Cracked's Oscar Rundown (Part One)

It's never an easy choice to carefully analyze five performances and choose a winner. It's certainly not one made any easier if, like me, you didn't bother to actually see any of the films up for nomination.

I gave it my best shot to Netflix some of them, but a lot aren't out on video yet, and the ones that were out were... fucking boring. So I watched Batman Begins again instead.

Consequently, my strategy for picking for this year's projected Oscar winners was two-fold. First, the winners had to follow a stringently adhered-to elimination process: A) Did the film's poster look cool? B) Any tits? and B) Was Batman in it?*

Second, I got my girlfriend Karla to write all the actress categories, on the grounds that she'd be better at it, but really because a can of french onion soup could win Best Actress for all I care.

* Obviously extra points were awarded to films that showcased all three criteria: having posters showing Batman with tits on them. Or would have been awarded, had any film bothered to meet these criteria, the idiots.

Jay: Alright, that should get you up to speed. Without further delay, our picks for the 2006 Academy Awards.

Karla: And the nominees are...