5 Awesomely Bad Christmas Gifts
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1. Lost Series 1 – Hurley Action Figure
Ages: 2-18 Kids will be thrilled at the sight of the Hurley action figure from the hit TV drama, Lost. Here’s a list of things Hurley can do:
Runner-up: Lost Series 1 – Shannon Action Figure
 Seen here tastefully sun-bathing amongst the backdrop of plane wreckage. To be fair, only some of the passengers were brutally ripped apart upon crash landing, and that beach looks very inviting. 2. Dirt Devil Junior Play Upright Vacuum Cleaner
Manufacturer recommended age: 3-7My recommended age: 1-99  What you are looking at may be the single most brilliant invention in the history of the universe: a vacuum cleaner toy! This cleverly disguised appliance will help condition your children to run around the house with a vacuum, so when they grow older, they’ll jump at the opportunity to handle the real thing with reflexes that would give Pavlov a wet dream. There are varying facades to help mask these devices for what they really are: tools of indoctrination. Do your part in helping make our future a bleak Orwellian nightmare in which people get punished for asking questions like: should we trust state-sponsored news, is a society under surveillance truly free, and why the fuck was I given a vacuum cleaner to play with as a child? Runner-up: Just Like Home Cookware Set
 Why stop at cleaning? Get those ungrateful little monsters to start earning their keep sooner with the “Just Like Home” cookware set. Have a holly jolly Christmas ham. Or three. Remember: forced labor harbors contempt. Coerced labor harbors a complacent work force. 3. Alphabet Magnets
Age: 3-9 These refrigerator alphabet magnets will remind you of your childhood, when times were more innocent and the worst thing that could happen to you was a nuclear holocaust. In this day and age where you can open an envelope that causes bleeding under your skin and lesions to appear in your mouth, there’s something comforting about the simplicity of alphabet magnets. Your child will have minutes of fun arranging words. What more, it’s a fun way to leave messages on the fridge for your child before he goes to school every day.  Runner-up: Guitar Accessory Pack
The only thing worse than getting a guitar for Christmas, is getting a guitar accessory pack instead. If you’re feeling generous, you could even splurge and buy the kid an actual guitar to go with it some day. 4. Shark Party Kit
Age: 3 – whenever the kid gets tired of the beatings. We learn some of the most valuable lessons in life at the business end of a fist. As much as you might want to beat the hell out of your kids sometimes, it’s looked down upon in our modern society. But the shark party kit is the next best thing. When you want to stomp your fifth-grader’s hole, sending him to school wearing this bullshit will guarantee him a sound thrashing. This isn’t even a gift for your children so much as a gift for you. You work hard to put food on the table every week, and the last thing you need is some ungracious little prick mouthing off instead of thanking you for knocking up his mom and not aborting him. Runner-up: Rocky Basic Action Figure – Adriane
 I’m pretty sure Adriane wasn’t wearing a burlap sack in Rocky, but I don’t remember so it’s entirely possible that the same person who thought it would be good idea to make this action figure in the first place would have made it in spite of that fact. 4. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – Jack Sparrow with Black Pearl Cannon
Age: 18+ There’s more to this toy than meets the eye. What may seem like a crass attempt to commercialize an already commercial film, turns out to be much more sinister. Pictured below are two versions of the figure: one holding the cannon in normal lighting, and the other, a silhouette. If you look closely at the silhouette, it reveals a hidden message that you may already be aware of: I’m incredibly immature.  Runner-up: Sesame Street Woodboard Puzzle: Elmo with Musical Instruments
 This is one of the few gifts you can give to someone used, and they wouldn’t know the difference. It’s perfect for sending overseas because the cover looks about as crappy as you could possibly make it, and Europeans can’t tell the difference.  The man behind the website The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox recently published his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness, in June 2006. If you don't like his website, his book or anything else about him, you can eat him. |
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Maddox! FTW!
The only thing worse than getting a guitar for Christmas? Almost everything.
"Remember: forced labor harbors contempt. Coerced labor harbors a complacent work force."
To 'Coerce' means to force someone to do something against their will. So forced and coerced labor is the same thing.
Haha, I want the shark party! I think I might be going through that shark infatuation phase, especially considering how many beatings I receive
What about the alphabet of manliness? I don't think many people would want it as a gift,and would rather buy it.
Pretty funny not the best but I laughed a couple times. That jack sparrow joke was the BEST XD
Mommy told me not to tellReally, this isn't funny.Your stuff usually rocks, but this is uninspired. And, noone even wants to comment!
NotAverageJoeconsidering this is Maddox, it's pretty unfunny...
mewhere can i find this jack sparrow with cannon action figure? it's for my, um, friend. yeah, that's it...
I see I was not the first. I am a jackass.
Anyone notice that the last two items are both labeled number 4?
I got a Fender electric guitar this year and it's awesome. I have an acoustic, but you gotta have the electric for rock.
SomeguyGetting a guitar set sucks...not getting a guitar. i.e. you get the guitar set sans guitar and never get the guitar. It's like getting someone buying you video games but not the machine to play it on.
AliciaWhat the f**k is wrong with getting a guitar? Are you saying this because you are too lazy to learn how to play it? I got a guitar last year, and it's the greatest gift ever.
meThat's 10 Toys! You lied to me!!
Number 5 is posted as number 4
His site is http://maddox.xmission.com/ or, easier to remember: www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com
CheaterWhat's this writers website? Because
there's no link in the word Maddox
(as there usually is)
NachoPhey maddox, this article f*****g rules- know wondering you havent been updating your website, you have been making articles for cracked magazine, f*****g kick-ass :)
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What are you talking about?! I would be eternally grateful if I get a new guitar for my birthday, let alone a Holiday (I'm not Christian or American though...)!