From: David J. Lesar, CEO, Halliburton Energy Services
It has come to my attention that profits are not as high as they used to be. A few years ago, we were making more money. Now, not as much. I resent this.
At MBA school, I learned that it is good when more money comes in than goes out, and bad when the opposite happens. We want the first and not the second (please see chart).
Therefore, I am instituting a new corporate policy. From now on, add a zero to the end of all revenue figures, and remove the first digit from all expenditures. This should work long enough to allow us to make the last payments on our palace in that little country with the 11-year-old hookers and no extradition treaty with the
To: Donald Trump, CEO, The Trump Organization
From: Human Resources
Subject: The Glass Ceiling
Mr. Trump, for the last time, "The Glass Ceiling" is a metaphor for our company's systematic discrimination against the upward progress of women. We do not have, nor plan to build, an actual ceiling made of glass. In addition to posing a slew of architectural problems, it would require relocating all women to a separate floor.
Besides, if the women were on a different floor, it would take longer to be brought coffee. And beyond of our constant watch, they might stage group readings of The Vagina Monologues and converge all their menstrual cycles.
We are, however, looking into the construction of a glass floor and mandatory skirt policy for dames.
To: Board of Directors
From: Jeffrey R. Immelt, CEO, General Electric
Subject: The "Environment"
Gentlemen: Despite the fact that we save millions each year by storing improperly mixed lead paint in the Ohio River as opposed to disposal through expensive containers, those tree-hugging milksops at the EPA have decided to sue us, claiming that "rivers are not supposed to be flammable" and a bunch of other pseudo-scientific hogwash.
In technical terms, the "toxins" we "dump" in the river have been causing "cancer" in the inhabitants of the narrow patch of land stretching from
Luckily, we can afford some really top-notch lawyers, thanks in part to the two percent Corporate Benevolence Legal Defense Tax we levied on all wage-earning employees. The lawyers tell me not to worry. We didn't dump any poison in any rivers, it was those blue-collars in the factories. They should pay to have it cleaned up. Sounds fair to me.
To: Human Resources
From: Rupert Murdoch, Chairman, News Corporation
The figures are in. If we let go of 30,000 employees, our stock price should rise four cents. That probably won't do much for the unsavory peons losing their jobs, but I'm sure they understand that the top executives, whose portfolios are heavily concentrated in company stock, must act in the best interest of the shareholders.
Nonetheless, this might come across as the "rich" getting "richer" at the expense of the "working class." I know, I know. This whole "class conflict in
Wait, hang on. I'm just reading an e-mail from ol’ Jeff Immelt over at GE. Yeah, not cancer. Something else.