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10 Simple Rules of Etiquette for Concerts
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It's concert season: Time to start paying ridiculous amounts of money so you can stand next to sweaty strangers and quietly fret over how stupid you probably look trying to dance without bumping into anyone. Quite frankly, CRACKED has had just about enough of the whole thing and so we're laying down the law for performers and concert-goers alike. Here are 10 things that need to stop happening at concerts immediately, or we can't be held responsible for the consequences. THE PERFORMERS
Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple-with-an-inner-ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s. Bassists Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game. We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks. Also, Drummers The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs? An End to Witty Commentary As a rock star, you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole laugh at a couple of his own nonsensical stories, I'd get drunk at my dad's place. At least there'd be a good fistfight involved. Just remember, Mick, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to distract the drunk sorority girls from realizing they're having an orgy in a port-a-john with a septuagenarian. So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place. THE CONCERTGOERS
Musicians have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it. No Band T-Shirts Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Nerf Herder is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your Muff Diving class tomorrow morning.
We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers... Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair See that guy? That's James Taylor. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.
You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge. We're going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids. All of that is fine and good. We don't mind that your children will grow to hate you. If it weren't for parents like you, a lot of great angry rock music would never have existed. But once you start ruining the very concerts you helped create, we draw the line. |
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No Yelling Out Song Requests
Do Not Make Out at 
Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones
A drummer wearing gloves is a lot better than a band member or some poor hapless techie getting impaled by a flying drumstick that goes flying out of a drummer's schweaty, schweaty hand.
a. the commenter below me is so right
-and-
b. whats so bad about playin with gloves if you get sweaty hends when you pley? (me)
whoever wrote this has obviously never sat behind a drumset trying to play a whole set for an hour, where its usually 10 or 15 degrees hotter then it is in the croud. sleeves? f**k you.
good job picking a retarded argument against noone in particular just to make yourself look like a jackass.
ps, besides what you are trying to seem like, you have no slimeballs.
f**k all the neo-nazi 30 something ex-cons that show up to every f*****g punk show. Don't they realize that everyone else there is united in a common hatred AGAINST people like them? These dudes are like 30 - 46 and show up, get drunk, and then pick fights with like, 15 year olds. But you can't do anything about it because they are all fresh out of the joint and are huge and built and we are all a bunch of kids. And they always roll in packs so there really ain't s**t you can do about it. f**k those guys.
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I can has drumz too?
I'd guess the sleevless t-s and gloves are to help performance. Playing set, I can't tell you how many times I got my sticks caught in my clothes, or how often my sweaty palms caused my sticks to fly across the room. It is embarassing to admit tho, so I'll just say it is a guess, and it has NEVER happened to me. >.> Can I insist instead that people not molest me at concerts? One accidental grope is believable, but once your hands are in my pants, I gotta say, I don't believe you anymore...
edgecrusher
haha i agree with nadine. I went to see Linkin Park when they came down to Adelaide and Chris Cornell was he opening act. I'm a fan of both Audioslave and Linkin Park, so I thought it was awesome, but most of the crowd didnt even no who the hell Cornell was and some s**t heads behind me kept telling him to piss off and crap like that -_-
angel36
Great I agree with it. I doubt that many people have read this article, because I saw a forum at pubsap.com especially for talking it.
Jim
I'd like to direct your attention to the "Anti-Pricks-at-gigs Foundation" on Facebook. I think you'll share our views
nadine
I love that 'to ever enjoy your kids' aaaw sweetness
ya know what i hate?
The dick heads who trash the opening bands or really like them and talk s**t about people who want the dude they've sold their lungs to see, i was at muse at wembley over the summer and biffy clyro (stupidestfuckingname)where one of the opening acts. all the hard core clyro fans seemed to be lined up right behind me, coul dsee me not enjoying their set(not making a show of it just not moshing or nodding along or owt) and where like screaming at the back of my head 'SOME people just dont UNDERSTAND the CLYRO' and i was like, its nothing to do with understanding them ass holes, im just not a fan.
i HATE people who s**t all over other peoples good time, i dont like the clyro but i wasnt booing but then MCR came on a band im not ashamed to love and im having a great time and the clyro lovers/mcr haters behind my are directing their every insult of THE BAND, at ME!like at least they where smart enough to know the band on stage couldnt hear em but why take it out on me. it was actually quite intimidating cos im five four and built small and here's like seven six foot tall guys in a ring around me hatin on me cos they dont like my band choices. we where ALL there to see Muse any way so its not like we have inconsolable differences!that should be a rule, if you dont like the opening bands shut up, stand still and wait for their set to be done, dont ruin the good time of people around you, its not f*****g fair dick smacks.
And the knobheads who try and shove to the front of an already packed pit, its not gonna happen tool, at that same muse gig my younger but much taller brother had to actually save me from a drunken, rowdy guy who took offence when i wouldnt let him shove past me.
thats another one thinkin on it, if you cant handle your drink, dont be drunk at a gig!!Its fine if you can handle your licker, or want to just get a nice buzz on but if you're a stumbling, slurring mess of a drunk dont turn up to a gig like that, you'll get the s**t kicked out of you for one, you'll end up puking which is nasty, and how can you possibly be enjoying the gig if you cant f*****g remember any of it you twit!!
God it makes me so f*****g mad!!!
jimmyjab
Oh and the flash on your cameras does jack s**t; especially when you are way up in the nosebleeds.....or anywhere that is more than six feet away from the stage. See those lights on the ceiling that are pointed at the stage? They are there for a reason. It makes me happy when the bouncers take your camera away...with all your emo myspace pictures on them.
lisa
"making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly"--this made me laugh. However, I appreciate a nice, full mustache. I would apply this phrase to the fashion mullets swung in my face by all the damned scensters. Yuck!
metalhead
I bet the dude that wrote this is a rapper.
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mbdecemberist
you must go to some really weird concerts. or maybe i just go to really awesome ones.