It's concert season: Time to start paying ridiculous amounts of money so you can stand next to sweaty strangers and quietly fret over how stupid you probably look trying to dance without bumping into anyone. Quite frankly, CRACKED has had just about enough of the whole thing and so we're laying down the law for performers and concert-goers alike. Here are 10 things that need to stop happening at concerts immediately, or we can't be held responsible for the consequences.
Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple-with-an-inner-ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s.
Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game.
We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks.
The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs?
An End to Witty Commentary
As a rock star, you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole laugh at a couple of his own nonsensical stories, I'd get drunk at my dad's place. At least there'd be a good fistfight involved.
Just remember, Mick, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to distract the drunk sorority girls from realizing they're having an orgy in a port-a-john with a septuagenarian.
So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place.
No Yelling Out Song Requests
Musicians have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.
No Band T-Shirts
Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Nerf Herder is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your Muff Diving class tomorrow morning.
Do Not Make Out at Concerts
We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers...
Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair
See that guy? That's James Taylor. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.
Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones
You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge.
We're going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids.
All of that is fine and good. We don't mind that your children will grow to hate you. If it weren't for parents like you, a lot of great angry rock music would never have existed. But once you start ruining the very concerts you helped create, we draw the line.