10 Simple Rules of Etiquette for Concerts
It's concert season: Time to start paying ridiculous amounts of money so you can stand next to sweaty strangers and quietly fret over how stupid you probably look trying to dance without bumping into anyone. Quite frankly, CRACKED has had just about enough of the whole thing and so we're laying down the law for performers and concert-goers alike. Here are 10 things that need to stop happening at concerts immediately, or we can't be held responsible for the consequences.
THE PERFORMERS
Lead Singers
Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple-with-an-inner-ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s.
Bassists
Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game.
Drummers
We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks.
Also, Drummers
The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs?
An End to Witty Commentary
As a rock star, you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole laugh at a couple of his own nonsensical stories, I'd get drunk at my dad's place. At least there'd be a good fistfight involved.
Just remember, Mick, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to distract the drunk sorority girls from realizing they're having an orgy in a port-a-john with a septuagenarian.
So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place.
THE CONCERTGOERS
No Yelling Out Song Requests
Musicians have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.
No Band T-Shirts
Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Nerf Herder is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your Muff Diving class tomorrow morning.
Do Not Make Out at Concerts
We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers...
Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair
See that guy? That's James Taylor. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.
Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones
You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge.
We're going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids.
All of that is fine and good. We don't mind that your children will grow to hate you. If it weren't for parents like you, a lot of great angry rock music would never have existed. But once you start ruining the very concerts you helped create, we draw the line.
For someone who spends a lot of money on a concert ticket you sure do spend the entire experience gawping at everyone else.
ReplyThere is only one group of people who I truly despise at any gig and that is the group of people who spend the whole night screaming. Not just screaming when a good song starts, or at the end of said song. But literally, throughout the ENTIRE song, and after it, and into the next one. Just a shrill, never ending high pitched noise. Either sing along or shut the hell up!
Otherwise, these are just petty complaints. Getting annoyed by other people taking vids on their phone? Really? Pfft get a life and enjoy the gig.
Some good points.How about wearing an Alice Cooper shirt to a Tracy Byrd show?
ReplyK. I don't really care if this is a troll or not. For the most part, these are OK suggestions. But drummers dress as they do for a reason. They swing their arms like crazy and bash things constantly- it's their job. They can't be wearing sleeved shirts. The sleeves would tear and/or impede their playing, and then you would be in the crowd bitching about the drummer being incompetent and the people onstage would be trying to fix the drummer's torn shirt. And the gloves are also useful: Sweat, splinters, and any small wounds on the hand is going to f**k up the drumming.
ReplyThe last point is probably my favorite. I've been to concerts with people who do that, and it makes me angry. I sat next to a person for a five hour concert and she spent more than an hour of it- no break- filming the entire show with her s****y camera phone. I looked at the footage during the filming, and it was a blur of moving white and blue lights, and unintelligible screaming. The concert was not for a band that relied on blurs and screaming. I wanted to smack the camera out of her hand. The tickets were expensive and she literally watched a huge portion of it through a phone. We were directly across from the stage. We could see everything from our seats. The concert was fantastic. And she, sitting within arms' reach of me (who enjoyed the live show immensely), sat through a delightful set without looking at the real stage once. Not a single f*****g time.
Hmm...
Reply"Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place."
Guys I think he might be trolling...just saying.
im not a musician, in fact i dont even know how to play anything, but i think the reason why drummers always wears a pair of gloves is to prevent the chance of the drum sticks accidentally slipping, sice it causes a lot more friction with wood than human skin. as for their sleeveless atire maybe because they just feel more loose and less restricted in their movements which would be more comfortable.
ReplyI'm a drummer (not in a band or anything, mostly just for the enjoyment of it), and both are valid points: it you're REALLY going at it, a hell of a lot of sweat can build up on your hands, making your drumsticks a possible medium through which to lose the security deposit on your apartment, so gloves are great for extra grip. and, again, if you're REALLY going at it, you'd be surprised how restricting even short sleeves can get. plus, especially with short sleeves, it can get extremely uncomfortable when your sleeves ride up your arm and bunch up in your armpits....
I can't find the words to describe this article. It's beyond trite, it's beyond stupid, it's beyond trolling. It's like this man doesn't understand the basic rules of... music, I guess.
ReplyBut yes, it's already been pointed out why he's wrong on most of these points, so I'll explain another.
Phone recordings. Most people don't have really high-end cameras, phones are the best they can do. It's only them that's watching the phone recording, as long as it doesn't end up on YouTube I'm a happy man.
Unless it's a good quality phone video of a band which doesn't play near me often, then YouTube is fine. but 30 seconds of audio distortion and flashing lights should not be uploaded to any website, unless it's Cracked, on an article like this one, but written slightly better
Since this article has obviously been cut-and-pasted from one written on 20th June 2006, I thought I'd cut-and-paste my response from that one too:
ReplyNothing quite adds to the rock n roll experience quite like a bunch of arbitrary rules. Next time I go to a gig, it'll be in a Killdozer t-shirt, with a handlebar moustache, making out with my own hand, taking pictures and playing a snare drum with some gloves on.
See you at the next festival, buddy
Well, article sucked, you've obviously never played an instrument and don't enjoy concerts. Why were you there again?
ReplyGod! Bass players! What jerks for jumping around and enjoying the show. I wish the bass players for Rush, The Beatles, Motorhead, Slayer, Morbid Angel, Cop Shoot Cop, The Minutemen, Dos, Death From Above 1979 and GodHeadSilo would totally stand way to the back out of sight. And especially Thrones. That guy, how annoying that he would stand up front.
ReplyGee, Since the Bass player for Rush is actually the lead singer I guess it would be really f*****g retarded of him to get out of the way wouldn't it
Gotta love it when comments just explain the joke of the original post!
I've played a few concerts so let me say this.
Reply1. Don't bother yelling song requests, we can't hear you. We usually wear ear protection (at least you should) and even if you're not, the music is too loud.
2. Please, wear band t's. We think they're awesome, shows support.
3. Don't fight in the mosh pits. If someone gets injured (they always due) we're not held responsible, but some of us are kinda emotional. A death at a concert would be horrifying (haven't had it happen to me, thankfully).
As for the rest, we usually don't care. You paid good money to listen, so what you due during the show is your business.
The author of this article probably attends concerts wearing a tie. He's so offended by the sight of band tees that seeing one at the mall ruins his entire day and makes him cry when he gets home. He thinks that because everyone has a voice then singing doesn't count as contributing to the band. Also the bass doesn't count because you can't hear it. The fact that other people's pictures might be blurry is so distressing to him that seeing a camera phone will turn the concert into a torrent of misery. He's not only the biggest dork at the concert, he's the biggest dork at the symphony where he only goes ironically because "no one listens to classical music anymore." (Look, buddy, if *I'm* doing it, then a lot of people are.) He thinks a joke consists of saying, "You know when that thing happens? SO ANNOYING! Ha ha ha!" But if the singer in a band does it, then it isn't funny anymore because YOU PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SING! GAWD WHAT IS WRONG WITH CONCERTS!
ReplyLook, guys, if I wanna wear a band tee, I'm going to wear a goddamn band tee. Maybe I'm not going to put the one I just bought in the lobby on over the one I wore today because it looks more dorky than the author of this article at a concert in his suit, tie, and monocle (Yeah, he wears a monocle. But he can't pull it off) This is the kind of writing that Cracked usually makes fun of. This is the kind of writing that gets me a D- in Creative Writing and a very stern note in red pen at the top.
On the other hand, it really is fun to comment on the article. ^u^
You must be REALLY hot... Only smoking hot girls who dudes constantly lie to about how funny, smart and unique they are in order to bang are capable of writing that and thinking its funny.... Either that, or you learned comedy through watching "Friends".
That speech was funnier than the article!
meh.
Replycould've come up with better ones..
for singers, please sing. do not allow the drunken crowd of assholes that paid to see you sing do your entire job for you. time to time, once in a song is okay, but please not entire parts of songs, song after song.
also, don't insult the audience or the city. we paid money to see you, remember?
audience..men, don't take the crowded conditions as an excuse to grope any woman in your proximity. women, don't take the cries of drunken horny men to mean its okay to show your saggy breasts, cellulite, muffin tops, or whatever other part of your body you've deluded yourself into thinking is attractive..moshers, a mosh pit is not a fist fight in a circle.
I said this already, but I'll say it again: drumsticks f*****g hurt.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf you hold them right, they bounce back into your hand after they hit the drum. When you do a really fast beat, it's like having someone repeatedly hit your palms with a ruler at the speed of light. By the time you're done your hands are numb/bleeding, and if a stick breaks god help you because you can't even imagine the BLISTERS.
Obviously you've never played a guitar.
guitar? wow, you're so cool
@Darkstar33860: I play guitar and that was an extremely retarded comment.
Holy sh*t this is the worst article on Cracked. So as I understand it, band members should stand perfectly still and try not to speak and concert goers should also stand perfectly still and stare at the ground. What. the. f*uck..?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh, suck it up, cupcake. It's unbelievably obnoxious to read the comments and note that the top one on the list is somebody b***hing about having read the preceding article. It's not like anybody forced you to read it. Nor do they owe you s**t. Get over yourself already.
Why don't you take your own advice and not read the comments? It's not like anyone's forcing you to read them.
Oh, and the article sucked.
Actually the Blues Brothers article is the worst.
Actually... the force of the drumsticks can cause some major discomfort when they hit and reverberate all the way back to your hands. Think holding a baseball bat with it bouncing in your hands. Kinda like that, only it keeps going (and going, and going... ala energizer bunny).
ReplyIn the name of providing hopefully helpful feedback I have this to say;
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNothing here is a legitimate point. I understand this site is about comedy and hyperbole, but it also produces some intelligent writing while it's being funny and it makes legit points about various subjects.
This article has no legitimate points. For example, the only way I can see anyone having a problem with others wearing band shirts is if they themselves are self conscious, and afraid of looking like some kind of geek fan by wearing a bands shirt at that bands gig. This is just jealous, self conscious projection.
You've set the bar pretty high, Cracked. We know you can do better.
True, but I did lol when I saw a Metallica tee-shirt at a Megadeth concert.
I lol when I see Metallica t-shirts. They are too obvious at this point, and give you no metal cred. I'd go for a Flotsam and Jetsam, Coroner, Sadus or Deathrow tee. Yeah.
LOL! "METAL CRED"!! hipster.
weakest article I've read all week....
ReplyI don't get the band t-shirt rule, I went to see a good few bands and just about everyone was wearing a band t-shirt, I kinda consider it bad etiquette to NOT wear one.
ReplyAgreed. With hard rock/metal shows you are pretty much SUPPOSED to wear band shirts. Even chicks, unless you have the bod for jumping around in something skimpy.
No moshing etiquette?
ReplyThe writer is way too much of a wuss to ever attend a concert where that might happen.
Is this article even complete? I like wearing band t-shirts and performing on stage is quite the workout, so you need to be properly preparated.
Has the writer ever been to a proper, non-hipster concert? A band can do whatever the f**k they want on stage (except insult the audience), and being a bass player myself I jump as much up and down as I like, thank you very much.
You know what happens to your hands after drumming for 2 and a half hours without gloves? How f**king retarded is the stupid son of a b***h that wrote this ? I hope he loses his job tomorrow.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAgreed. Even years of callouses won't keep the horrible, bleeding blisters away.
I took drumming lessons from the music teacher before school a couple of years ago and I could barely hold a pencil for the rest of the day. The article writer had obviously never played the drums before.
or any other instrument. Also he seems to find things to hate about everyone around him.