10 Simple Rules of Etiquette for Concerts
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It's concert season: Time to start paying ridiculous amounts of money so you can stand next to sweaty strangers and quietly fret over how stupid you probably look trying to dance without bumping into anyone. Quite frankly, CRACKED has had just about enough of the whole thing and so we're laying down the law for performers and concert-goers alike. Here are 10 things that need to stop happening at concerts immediately, or we can't be held responsible for the consequences. THE PERFORMERS
Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple-with-an-inner-ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s. Bassists Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game. We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks. Also, Drummers The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs? An End to Witty Commentary As a rock star, you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole laugh at a couple of his own nonsensical stories, I'd get drunk at my dad's place. At least there'd be a good fistfight involved. Just remember, Mick, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to distract the drunk sorority girls from realizing they're having an orgy in a port-a-john with a septuagenarian. So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place. THE CONCERTGOERS
Musicians have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it. No Band T-Shirts Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Nerf Herder is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your Muff Diving class tomorrow morning.
We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers... Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair See that guy? That's James Taylor. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.
You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge. We're going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids. All of that is fine and good. We don't mind that your children will grow to hate you. If it weren't for parents like you, a lot of great angry rock music would never have existed. But once you start ruining the very concerts you helped create, we draw the line. |
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No Yelling Out Song Requests
Do Not Make Out at 
Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones
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Wow... we've got some really harsh comments down here. Dudes, Michael O'Brien has a right to his opinion... even if I think that he's being ridiculous about it. Why?
The best concert I ever went to, everyone wore the band's shirt, shouted out requests (all of which the band actually played--that's the nice part about going to smaller gigs where the bands can't have a lot going on with their set list: it's flexible), and one band member danced around wildly, doing handstands on his moog.
So why can't we wear the band's shirt to the band's concert?? That's the same thing as not being able to wear a Dolphins jersey to the Dolphins game.
Pitiful article and I'm glad a lot of people agree. According to this, concert crowds should stand in one spot and stare at thier shoes...bands should wear plain button down shirts and draw as little attention as possible.
This was a pretty good article. I actually agree with most of this.
This was a pretty good article. I actually agree with most of this.
worst. article. ever.
wow. that was plain awful. im not even going to waste my time explaining why. goodbye.
Wow, its as if Michael O'Brien doesn't want to be entertained by the band!
HURD DURF BASS GUY STAND IN TEH BACK YR OBVIOUSLY BORING AND NOT WORKING AS HRD AMIRITE?
Of course the singer will look wild and crazy, he's the frontman for a f*****g rock band. I bet you're the kind of guy who listens exclusively to post-rock and 'doesn't believe in stage presence',
Also, I'm a drummer, and I wear gloves while gigging because otherwise you'll get really bad blisters and it'll hurt to play the next day.
My advice: Do some research and get a sense of humour before writing again.
Some people are getting way too offended here. It's a funny article. Maybe not the best, but still funny. Cracked writers are critical people that over-analyze things. And it's funny. They over-exaggerate things that may be mildly annoying because it's comical. I highly doubt anyone actually gets pissed off because of some of these things - least of all Cracked writers. Get over yourselves and quit bitching. They aren't trying to offend you.
did anyone else read this article and get really pissed off? I don't understand the not wearing band t-shirts to concerts. Most of my closet is band tees, and I believe 95% of people where band shirts to concerts. And I don't understand what the problem with facial hair is. I get it, mustaches are for homosexuals and policemen, but dammit I love my mustache, I'm not shaving it for a concert. This article fails at doing what it's meant to do, making us laugh.
This article is stupid and not thought out.
Great article.
What about the asshats that finds it necessary to sing along as loud as possible? I didn't pay hard cash to hear their sorry karaoke. Shut up and listen, you’re not in the band. .
Okay, this was the lamest article I've read on cracked.
Simply because your arguments are f*****g lame. Why the hell would you give a f**k if the lead singer is wearing s**t on his hands and wrists? And why would you get pissed when he makes a f*****g retarded face while trying to squeeze noises out of his throat for hours? And why is it terrible for him to close his eyes and hold the microphone with two f*****g hands if he feels like it? Do these things really need to stop or are you maybe just retarded at enjoying things?
Yeah you clearly aren't a rock star, so why the hell would you order drummers to wear sleeves in the first place? For one a few other guys here made a good point on that already, but also why would you even give a s**t? Or gloves for that matter? Wouldn't you maybe trust they know what they are doing a lot better than you do?
And why would you order the bassist to go stand in a corner? Who gives a f**k if hes twirling his s**t around on stage with that massive guitar in his hands. Its his job to preform and normally people enjoy it. But your a freak that gets pissed off at moustaches and band shirts at gigs, so I guess I shouldn't expect much.
What about bringing your 11 year old brother to a metal concert and then letting him wander around the mosh pit?
As a drummer and professional musician, I'd love to see Michael O'Brien go six hours or more repeatedly coating his hands in Gorilla Snot instead of wearing gloves. Or dealing with hand cramps at playing that hard that long without getting so disgustingly sweaty while wearing full sleeves.
This would be a painfully boring U2 concert. Who goes to U2 concerts anyway?
The two handed mic-stand grabbing doesn't make sense unless they do something like try to pick it up and pretend to play air guitar on it. And wearing gloves while drumming is probably extremely necessary considering that I've seen a video wear a drummer shows his hand after doing a show and his index finger is disgusting. If your curious about this check out the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQXWwXSfgSw. The part is about 2 minutes in.
@snakepit72
Cracked articles are serious business.
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@paulxl7: Because you just can't. It's not the same as a sporting event. Don't be that guy, that guy who wears the band's shirt to that band's show, that guy looks like an idiot fan-boy douche bag who needs to get a life. Seriously we need to put an end to it once and for all.