The problem with being the best is that people are always trying to jump on the bandwagon. As Lou Dobbs will sure tell you, both within and beyond our borders, there are those who desperately want the world to believe that they're as American as childhood obesity. And, despite their genetic and geographical handicap, some are pretty damned convincing. For the sake of protecting this great nation, and everything we hold dear, we present the top eight offenders.
#8. Hugh Laurie
At first glance, the star of TV' House might look like an average American. His accent is flawless, and he' got that whole "hopeless cynicism with a dash of smug superiority" attitude down, which is as American as a bald eagle flying out of an apple pie at a baseball game. But beneath that gruff, quintessentially American exterior, you'll find an English intellectual who was raised in Oxford and educated at Cambridge.
We can only assume he majored in "being a phony," because it seems like this guy' got everyone fooled. According to his IMDb page, the show' co-producer Bryan Singer said Laurie was exactly the sort of genuine American actor that the show needed. "See," Singer reportedly said after watching Laurie' audition, "This is what I want: an American guy." Well, they don't make American guys in England, Mr. Singer. All they make over there is tea, powdered wigs and mayonnaise salads—things a real American like Dr. House would no doubt hate. Then again, House basically hates everybody, so maybe that' not such a big deal.
#7. Jack Bauer
This might sound a little excessive, but it' our firm belief that Jack Bauer is the only thing standing between us and certain death at the hands of terrorists. The guy who plays Jack Bauer, on the other hand, was born in London and is, according to his passport, Canadian. Or, as real Americans tend to call them, "not American enough."
Sutherland' grandfather, Tommy Douglas, founded Canada'
New Democratic Party, which is so liberal that it' actually to
the left of their Liberal Party. Sutherland's grandfather is
the guy who gave Canadians universal health care, while Sutherland'
most well-known character is the guy whose idea of health care is stitching
up his own wounds using the bootlaces and jawbone of the terrorist he
just killed. If you need proof of Sutherland' Canadian roots, you
can find his name on the Canadian Walk of Fame. (You know who else is
on the Canadian Walk of Fame? Motherfucking Nickelback. Let that sink
in and then try to watch an entire episode of 24 without weeping.)
What would Jack Bauer think of the weak liberal Canadian actor who plays him? Whatever it is, it would probably be whispered through clenched teeth and involve a complaint about running out of time while running around with a gun drawn.
#6. Christian Bale
We here at Cracked like to start every day by watching Batman Begins seven or eight times (it' the new coffee), taking comfort in the knowledge that Gotham (and, it naturally follows, the rest of the world) is safe in the hands of the Dark Knight, played to perfection by the unquestionably badass and dream-hauntingly intense Christian Bale. Imagine our surprise, then, when we caught an interview with Bale discussing some movie unrelated to Batman (and therefore not worth mentioning). He spoke the entire time with some ridiculous, made-up-sounding accent, and it wasn't just a bad joke or a publicity stunt; it turns out Christian Bale was born in Wales and was raised mostly in England.
Batman is ... is from ... Wales? This can't be. In Rescue Dawn, he couldn't shut up about how much he loved flying planes for America. And we trusted him, dammit! Wait, wasn't Bale also the title character in American Psycho? Is there no decency in Hollywood?
Frankly, we just don't feel safe anymore, knowing Batman is secretly Welsh. What's next? An Australian Green Lantern? The Incredible Icelandic Hulk? Where does Batman's allegiance lie? With the fictional Gotham or Wales, wherever the hell that is?
#5. Every Popular Comedian from The Early '90s
The early '90s were a confusing time for young American comedy fans. First, we discovered Saturday Night Live sucked compared to this crazy underground show called Kids in the Hall. Then, we found out the Kids in question were Canadian, that those hot chicks from the sketches were probably Canadian, too, and consequently had to brainwash ourselves into thinking that Saturday Night Live was funny again. It was OK, because this fucking hilarious guy named Norm MacDonald was doing "Weekend Update," Mike Myers was brilliant as long as he wasn't doing "Coffee Talk," and you could always count on Phil Hartman, who was so talented he even managed to salvage a sketch called "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer." (By-the-by, Hartman' estate better be getting royalties for those Geico commercials.) Plus, even if it wasn't Saturday night, that white Jim Carrey dude from In Living Color was making some pretty funny movies, and this guy Tom Green was the first funny person on MTV.
Then our reality came crashing down around us. Mike Myers said the word "aboot" in one of the few sketches where he wasn't doing a Scottish or British accent, so we asked around and found out the sickening truth: Every funny person in the world was from Canada. From that day forward, we decided that we would swear off the art of comedy (which is why there' no joke in this paragraph) and focus all our energies on the one true American art form: rock and roll.
As you'll find out on the next page, though, this too was fraught with difficulties. (Nice segue, huh?)