"If I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself."
"I can't wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner."
"I don't see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight's scheduled reality television show."
"You cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch."
"I was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would 'be right back.' I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return."
"I find this sitcom intellectually challenging."
"I am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate."
"Becker is not on TV enough."