Thoughts of the Average American (As Imagined By Network Executives)
Thoughts of the Average American Television Viewer
(As Imagined By Network Executives)
(As Imagined By Network Executives)
"If I cannot see sports scores, stock reports, and weather forecasts scrolling across the bottom of the screen at all times, I will kill myself."
"I can't wait to see this overweight middle aged comic and his disproportionately attractive wife deal with their adolescent children in a humorously unorthodox, though ultimately conservative manner."
"I don't see enough petty, selfish individuals in my daily life. Therefore, I will tune in to tonight's scheduled reality television show."
"You cannot make a television show too stupid for me to watch."
"I was going to change the channel until the network reminded me, halfway through the first commercial break, that the program would 'be right back.' I had previously been under the impression that the program was lost and would never return."
"I find this sitcom intellectually challenging."
"I am completely unaware of the fact that the corporation being investigated by the FBI in this news segment owns this news station. Even if I were aware of this fact, I would put great faith in the objectivity and journalistic integrity of this enormous media conglomerate."
"Becker is not on TV enough."
"You know what I hate about British shows? All the British people in them."
Reply"Don`t go away, we`ll be right back!" LOL.
Reply""The rich do enough for this country. They should not have to pay higher taxes than the rest of us."
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh, come ON, Cracked! Are you SERIOUSLY supporting socialism? Aaaagh! You're too smart for that, man!
So we shouldn't help others? That's cold, man.
They are supporting a progressive income tax, something we (and many other countries that are not socialist) already have. Calm yourself.
What's wrong with socialism? Scandinavian nations have been socialist for decades and they're doing quite well.
Hahahaha this is good. lol's were had.
Replyyou can do this with anything that is useful to us as well:
Reply"I think I will create a ceramic that people can defecate into."
"I think I will have bread smeared with a peanut paste and smashed fruit."
"I think I will drink cow breast juice."
"I think I will try to build something that will hold thousands of people at once and not collapse."
"I think I will invent a rolling object that weighs 2 tons, can go over 150 mph, and will surely kill at least 50,000 people a year. Also, it runs on an explosive chemical (which btw, needs to explode over and over in the object to be able to provide energy for it to move)".
even with things that are useful, nobody thinks like that, because nobody thinks in words. When you put those thoughts into words, of course they're going to sound ridiculous.
Most of these statements in the list are the opposite of what people actually think.. you're just making elaborate descriptions of ideas that might have sounded crazy when they were first conceived.
Can't go any further without responding to this:
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies"If we give free health care to poor people by taxing the super-rich, the economy, and quite possibly the universe, will collapse."
In this context, free is used incorrectly. What it should say is: "If we don't charge poor people for health care by charging the super-rich for poor people's health care".
But I guess that's a more awkward phrasing...
Nothing is really free, but we need a word to distinguish between the roads without toll booths and the ones you have to pay for again right before you use them.
Actually, when you put it that way, it's that much more biting: "We should force an American citizen to give up his rights as an individual by having him pay for poor people's health care against his will."
Just like those taxes you pay, against your will. Completely un-American!
Taxes are not a punishment, and no one has the right to not pay them. You live in a f*****g society, so you have to play by its rules.
Good article. Quite perceptive.
Replyi find it both enlightening and highly entertaining that you used the third page to spout personal political views as opposed to legitimate comedy! Great stuff, sir!
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesThat's right friend. All comedy should be approved by the appropriate licensing board in case it offends idiots. Furthermore, by using personal political opinions instead of those held by robots the legitimacy of the whole website is brought into question.
WOW I WONDER IF THE WRITER HATES WHITE OR SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE. IS HE FAR-LEFT? I CAN'T TELL.
It is typically bad form, if you are not writing for Fox or The Huffington Post or whatever, to start making jokes that attack closely-held beliefs of your readers.
it is typically bad form to hold any of the opinions that were bashed in this
Oh for eff's sake Swaimfan...it's an opinion, not a directive. Get over yourself.
OK, what do you call the stuff on the other three pages if not "personal opinions"? In fact, most of that was political too. You just happened to agree with it, or consider it uncontroversial.
Matt,
ReplyDid they really say:
'you cant do this im an American citizen'?
Sounds like just the type of asshole who can afford to travel
and did they say it super slow so the person could understand? :D .... i'm so embarrassed to be an american [see, i didnt even capitalize it] :D
:D spot on, on just about everything actually. I especially liked the 4th page
ReplySpot on with the American life worth thing. :P
Replyall true
Replyfunny though
Replynotice how matt didn't have any problems with the other ones.
ReplyPretty damn funny.
Reply