Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child
  Why us?
Your slow-witted, funny-looking child is seven years old and, despite the savage beatings you administer as punishment, he still drinks out of the toilet. The family doctor confirms your worst fears: you've got yourself a mongoloid. The first thing you ask yourself is, "What did we do to deserve this abomination?" Contrary to popular belief, making fun of retards as a child does not increase your chances of having a retarded kid yourself. If that were the case, everyone' children would look alike and be afraid of water. No-you did something far worse to deserve your fate. Is there anything we can do?
Legally speaking, no. The supreme court has made it clear that post-birth abortions are unconstitutional, even in cases of rape, incest, and awkwardness. Adoption is an option, but they tend to charge a lot more to take one of those cretins of your hands, especially if it already responds to a typical retard name, like Chaz or Roofus.  Loving the Beast
Obviously, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. However, you might one day come to accept your retarded child for what he or she is: a mildly amusing nuisance. While usually a hassle, mentals make wonderful entertainment at dinner parties and family gatherings. Ask them simple questions and laugh at their ridiculous answers or strip them naked and spray them with a hose. Just watch the drugs around them. They're absolutely terrifying when you're stoned.  
Feeding Them
Like goldfish, mongoloids don't stop eating if food is around. Thus, if you are going to Europe for a month, you can't simply leave a ten pound turkey in their food dish- they'll eat until they die. You can get in a lot of trouble for that, so just ship them a pizza once a week. Training Them
Most retards can be trained to achieve the obedience of a moderately well-behaved house pet. Using classical conditioning, develop a reinforcement schedule, punishing or rewarding your animal appropriately. For example, if it defecates in the washing machine, make it sleep outside in the rain. Or, if it finishes tilling the fields before sundown, leave a piece of cake in its cage.   Reading, Writing, and Not Hurting Yourself
Even mongloids need to attend school, if only to get them out of your hair for a few hours a day. There, they learn the important life lessons that you will be too depressed and frustrated to teach them, like not eating scissors or running with glue. Transportation
A small benefit of having a mentally challenged child is getting to see the short bus every day. While your son or daughter brings you nothing but heartache, watching the other spasmos lick the seatbelts and poke each other with lollipops never gets old. When the Tart Cart arrives to temporarily relieve you of your nauseating charge, with fifteen identical heads drooling out the window, having earned the right to laugh almost makes bearable the living hell that has become your life.  Sports
Athletics are an integral part of a tard' development. Eating bugs all day gives them an almost inhuman amount of energy, and unless you want them setting fire to family heirlooms and attacking the gawking disaster in the mirror with vintage bottles of wine, you better get them on a team. Youth soccer is the ideal sport for mongoloids because of the large, wide-open field and lack of sharp objects. Your child can go the entire season without ruining the fun for everyone else. If you sign your child up for a more nuanced sport like baseball, prepare to be extremely embarrassed when it forgets the infield fly rule or misses the signal for a hit-and-run or carries second base off into the woods. The Ivy League of Retardation
There are a number of special communities for super-retards, i.e. the ones who can brush their own teeth with minimal adult supervision. It is the goal of all parents to send their mutated offspring to one of these concentration camps, where they will spend the rest of their lives using their tiny fingers to make greeting cards and paper flowers. These communities are located on islands and fenced in corners of the wilderness, since the horror of stumbling upon such a village and being offered tootsie-rolls by two hundred groaning midgets would render any traveler as feeble and helpless as the very rejects haunting the woods. They say no man has ever returned from a retard village. We advise you buy your kid a bus ticket and say, "fare thee well." |
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omg. the "tart cart". I don't think I've ever screamed with laughter like this before
Ha ha...
Oh, I'm going to Hell...
"They just scream and run around like retards"
Was I the only one who caught this? That was one of the highlights for sure.
I gotta agree with stressbunny here. I have high-functioning autism, I know a whole bunch of people in the special needs community, and I found this hilarious. You have to learn to laugh at yourself :D
For f**k's sake, it's a joke!! When will people stop coating the world with a PC glaze? Special needs does not mean special child, and I know, both mine are autistic. If I hadn't developed a sense of humour a long time ago, I would've driven off a cliff, either with them or without them, depending on how much s**t I'd had to clean off the walls that day. Literal s**t, btw. Great diet tool, urrgh. "God only gives us a burden we can bear." Bullshit! That soi-disant god has a f*****g sense of humour along the same rails as engineering students. So lighten up, loosen up, and stop picking on people, after all there is a great truth in "Hire the handicapped, it's fun to watch 'em."
did they ever try not being retarded?
lol so angry... just chill is it any different when you make fun of celebrities or other people? no just because their different doesn't mean their exempt idiot. the but they can't help it! thing won't work either as fart and poo jokes have that alley blocked. so now how isn't this funny again?
you guys need to get a f****n life this was not funny at alll it was cruel f****n basterd go to hell!!
"..having a 19-year old son whose favorite color is "dog."
This is simply hilarious. I loved this s**t.
Sad........
that was the best.
wow. that... was amazing. f**k situps. I just got the ab workout of my life laughing at this. I
John DalyHey... my names jack. im 20 years of age and i need help eating and changing myself! will anyone help me
JackNot funny at all. Actually, what is disturbing is the fact that you don't seem to regard mentally handicapped people as human beings. Or maybe you just wanna offend people by posting this s**t - and if that's the case: get a f*****g life!
*BAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Best article EVER!
It just goes to show; it's almost impossible to be really f*****g funny without destroying something or shitting in someones mouth. You can't be uproariousy hilarious without being a complete a*****e.
Thanks Speedy.
Prize Jerkis having sex with a mature mongoloid wrong?
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Personally, I found this article a little offensive and I will explain why. This lacks the sophistication of something like Timmy in South Park, or even the way Borat ridicules Jews, where the humour is obvious because of the extremes involved, or the fact that the character is portrayed with depth. This article is misjudged because some things dont play so well in the written form. Borat was laughing at people's misconceptions of the Jewish (as Sascha Baron Cohen seems to do effectively in much of his work), whereas this is more laughing at the disabled simply for being disabled.
Humour involving the disabled is a tricky subject, and hard to get right. For those who fail to understand why this article fails to hit the right notes, just imagine it is an article about "How to raise your n****r child", using the same vernacular (with all the appropriate racial epithets), and see how your reaction changes. How much more or less acceptable is that? Again, humour playing on people's preconceptions (or the situation) works fine, but you see how vehement a response you get for poking fun at people simply because they are black.
I agree with some of the other posters that you do have to laugh at the situation, and have broad shoulders (after all, it is laugh or cry in many cases), but I just think this was badly judged. I applaud Cracked for attempting it, but I do think this example failed. Keep trying, by all means, but be a little more thoughtful of how it scans.
It is true that truly funny humour will always offend someone. After all, humour is closely linked to all our fears and prejudices, and a way of coping. I may be slightly offended by the nature of this article, but I take it with good grace. Some people seem to think that if you're offended by this, then you must be some slavering PC fanatic, but this is not necessarily the case. Indeed, I do despise the way our society has grown censorious because of it. You don't make society better by banning a word or phrase. You improve it by being sympathetic to the people.