Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child

BANNED FROM THE STANDS: Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child

When past 'Banned from the Stands' pieces were deemed "too edgy" for the magazine by the powers that be, the editorial staff would usually threaten to carpet bomb those stodgy bastards back to the Stone Ages so they could be with their outdated morality. In the case of "Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child," pretty much everyone agreed right off the bat that we didn't want anything to do with the piece. It is mean spirited, nearly psychotic and it doesn't exactly take on the most deserving target in the world. That being said, we couldn't deny that the piece was, well, funny.

After a brief argument about whether the term "too awful for the internet" constituted an oxymoron, it was decided that we would let our readers share in the guilt we felt after laughing at this piece. So, um, enjoy!


Why us?
Your slow-witted, funny-looking child is seven years old and, despite the savage beatings you administer as punishment, he still drinks out of the toilet. The family doctor confirms your worst fears: you've got yourself a mongoloid. The first thing you ask yourself is, "What did we do to deserve this abomination?" Contrary to popular belief, making fun of retards as a child does not increase your chances of having a retarded kid yourself. If that were the case, everyone' children would look alike and be afraid of water. No-you did something far worse to deserve your fate.

Is there anything we can do?
Legally speaking, no. The supreme court has made it clear that post-birth abortions are unconstitutional, even in cases of rape, incest, and awkwardness. Adoption is an option, but they tend to charge a lot more to take one of those cretins of your hands, especially if it already responds to a typical retard name, like Chaz or Roofus.

Loving the Beast
Obviously, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. However, you might one day come to accept your retarded child for what he or she is: a mildly amusing nuisance. While usually a hassle, mentals make wonderful entertainment at dinner parties and family gatherings. Ask them simple questions and laugh at their ridiculous answers or strip them naked and spray them with a hose. Just watch the drugs around them. They're absolutely terrifying when you're stoned.

Feeding Them
Like goldfish, mongoloids don't stop eating if food is around. Thus, if you are going to Europe for a month, you can't simply leave a ten pound turkey in their food dish- they'll eat until they die. You can get in a lot of trouble for that, so just ship them a pizza once a week.

Training Them
Most retards can be trained to achieve the obedience of a moderately well-behaved house pet. Using classical conditioning, develop a reinforcement schedule, punishing or rewarding your animal appropriately. For example, if it defecates in the washing machine, make it sleep outside in the rain. Or, if it finishes tilling the fields before sundown, leave a piece of cake in its cage.

Reading, Writing, and Not Hurting Yourself
Even mongloids need to attend school, if only to get them out of your hair for a few hours a day. There, they learn the important life lessons that you will be too depressed and frustrated to teach them, like not eating scissors or running with glue.

A small benefit of having a mentally challenged child is getting to see the short bus every day. While your son or daughter brings you nothing but heartache, watching the other spasmos lick the seatbelts and poke each other with lollipops never gets old. When the Tart Cart arrives to temporarily relieve you of your nauseating charge, with fifteen identical heads drooling out the window, having earned the right to laugh almost makes bearable the living hell that has become your life.

Athletics are an integral part of a tard' development. Eating bugs all day gives them an almost inhuman amount of energy, and unless you want them setting fire to family heirlooms and attacking the gawking disaster in the mirror with vintage bottles of wine, you better get them on a team.

Youth soccer is the ideal sport for mongoloids because of the large, wide-open field and lack of sharp objects. Your child can go the entire season without ruining the fun for everyone else. If you sign your child up for a more nuanced sport like baseball, prepare to be extremely embarrassed when it forgets the infield fly rule or misses the signal for a hit-and-run or carries second base off into the woods.

The Ivy League of Retardation
There are a number of special communities for super-retards, i.e. the ones who can brush their own teeth with minimal adult supervision. It is the goal of all parents to send their mutated offspring to one of these concentration camps, where they will spend the rest of their lives using their tiny fingers to make greeting cards and paper flowers. These communities are located on islands and fenced in corners of the wilderness, since the horror of stumbling upon such a village and being offered tootsie-rolls by two hundred groaning midgets would render any traveler as feeble and helpless as the very rejects haunting the woods. They say no man has ever returned from a retard village. We advise you buy your kid a bus ticket and say, "fare thee well."

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