| Featured |
Raising Your Mentally Retarded Child
  Why us?
Your slow-witted, funny-looking child is seven years old and, despite the savage beatings you administer as punishment, he still drinks out of the toilet. The family doctor confirms your worst fears: you've got yourself a mongoloid. The first thing you ask yourself is, "What did we do to deserve this abomination?" Contrary to popular belief, making fun of retards as a child does not increase your chances of having a retarded kid yourself. If that were the case, everyone' children would look alike and be afraid of water. No-you did something far worse to deserve your fate. Is there anything we can do?
Legally speaking, no. The supreme court has made it clear that post-birth abortions are unconstitutional, even in cases of rape, incest, and awkwardness. Adoption is an option, but they tend to charge a lot more to take one of those cretins of your hands, especially if it already responds to a typical retard name, like Chaz or Roofus.  Loving the Beast
Obviously, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. However, you might one day come to accept your retarded child for what he or she is: a mildly amusing nuisance. While usually a hassle, mentals make wonderful entertainment at dinner parties and family gatherings. Ask them simple questions and laugh at their ridiculous answers or strip them naked and spray them with a hose. Just watch the drugs around them. They're absolutely terrifying when you're stoned.  
Feeding Them
Like goldfish, mongoloids don't stop eating if food is around. Thus, if you are going to Europe for a month, you can't simply leave a ten pound turkey in their food dish- they'll eat until they die. You can get in a lot of trouble for that, so just ship them a pizza once a week. Training Them
Most retards can be trained to achieve the obedience of a moderately well-behaved house pet. Using classical conditioning, develop a reinforcement schedule, punishing or rewarding your animal appropriately. For example, if it defecates in the washing machine, make it sleep outside in the rain. Or, if it finishes tilling the fields before sundown, leave a piece of cake in its cage.   Reading, Writing, and Not Hurting Yourself
Even mongloids need to attend school, if only to get them out of your hair for a few hours a day. There, they learn the important life lessons that you will be too depressed and frustrated to teach them, like not eating scissors or running with glue. Transportation
A small benefit of having a mentally challenged child is getting to see the short bus every day. While your son or daughter brings you nothing but heartache, watching the other spasmos lick the seatbelts and poke each other with lollipops never gets old. When the Tart Cart arrives to temporarily relieve you of your nauseating charge, with fifteen identical heads drooling out the window, having earned the right to laugh almost makes bearable the living hell that has become your life.  Sports
Athletics are an integral part of a tard' development. Eating bugs all day gives them an almost inhuman amount of energy, and unless you want them setting fire to family heirlooms and attacking the gawking disaster in the mirror with vintage bottles of wine, you better get them on a team. Youth soccer is the ideal sport for mongoloids because of the large, wide-open field and lack of sharp objects. Your child can go the entire season without ruining the fun for everyone else. If you sign your child up for a more nuanced sport like baseball, prepare to be extremely embarrassed when it forgets the infield fly rule or misses the signal for a hit-and-run or carries second base off into the woods. The Ivy League of Retardation
There are a number of special communities for super-retards, i.e. the ones who can brush their own teeth with minimal adult supervision. It is the goal of all parents to send their mutated offspring to one of these concentration camps, where they will spend the rest of their lives using their tiny fingers to make greeting cards and paper flowers. These communities are located on islands and fenced in corners of the wilderness, since the horror of stumbling upon such a village and being offered tootsie-rolls by two hundred groaning midgets would render any traveler as feeble and helpless as the very rejects haunting the woods. They say no man has ever returned from a retard village. We advise you buy your kid a bus ticket and say, "fare thee well." |
"..having a 19-year old son whose favorite color is "dog."
This is simply hilarious. I loved this s**t.
Sad........
that was the best.
John Daly
wow. that... was amazing. f**k situps. I just got the ab workout of my life laughing at this. I
Jack
Hey... my names jack. im 20 years of age and i need help eating and changing myself! will anyone help me
*
Not funny at all. Actually, what is disturbing is the fact that you don't seem to regard mentally handicapped people as human beings. Or maybe you just wanna offend people by posting this s**t - and if that's the case: get a f*****g life!
BAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Best article EVER!
Prize Jerk
It just goes to show; it's almost impossible to be really f*****g funny without destroying something or shitting in someones mouth. You can't be uproariousy hilarious without being a complete a*****e.
Thanks Speedy.
Mongolove
is having sex with a mature mongoloid wrong?
Icalasari
That was f*****g awesome. I am going to hell for finding this funny, but hey! I will be going to the same place as the creators of Cracked and the creators of South Park, so it is all good X3
Krok
"Does anyone know why they are retarded? Its cause they are gifted, and being blinded from all the evil, and temptations in this world, which means they go straight to heaven when they die. Where do you think your going?"
I'll be dead... So i won't care. My body will probably be 6 feet under though. Don't threaten people with religion... That stopped working in the middle ages.
unknown
Does anyone know why they are retarded? Its cause they are gifted, and being blinded from all the evil, and temptations in this world, which means they go straight to heaven when they die. Where do you think your going?
Meanrock Destructotron
HAHAH
I am completely ignorant of 'tards and what their parents go through but this is still really funny.
miss linda
I'm retaded
whatever
this s**t was hilarious, and it's ok for me to say that because i have a 15 year old sister who is retarded and i laugh at her everyday, but she laughs with me even tho she has no idea what i'm laughing about, she's amazing in every way a normal person could be and i think if ther was some way to make her not retarded anymore but she still knew she once was retarded, that she could also read this and still laugh her ass off...
ivana
i feel guilty for finding this funny o.O (yes,i do find it funny)
unknown
to those who were offended by this article over their mentally retarded children, clients or are themselves "supposedly" retarded (i doubt the ones that actually claimed they are retarded on this site actually are after working with the retarded for 2 years now) did you even LOOK at this site? the other articles? if you read this expecting to get "enlightenment" or a politically correct version on ANYTHING.."retarded" is a big step up from you being a complete idiot
Krok
That was the funniest thing i have ever read in a long time.
By the way, the ones that are complaining about this article... Shut up and face reality. When someone have down syndrome it means that there is something wrong with them. Like a pair of pants with 3 legs instead of 2.
Rod
Merciful. What gives you the right to tell any one what they have the right to laugh at? stfu
More Funny Stuff
-
The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For
Lobster rights? Good one!
-
The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Old School PSAs
Pot makes you a bloodthirsty homosexual pervert.
-
If Every (Famous) Person Got What They Deserved
Take that, James Blunt!
-
The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
Even worse than humans! Almost!
Popular stuff
-
6 Sex Myths as Explained by Science
Apparently, science likes sex as much as Cracked.
-
The 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex
We know because people tried.
-
5 Ways to Stop Trolls From Killing the Internet
Can't wait to see the comments on this one.
-
The Worst Day Ever (As Seen Through An Email Inbox)
Posted: 11/18/2008 9:45:11 AM
Post Subject: How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding
If you're like most Cracked readers, you have a deep and fierce loathing of everyone around you, and constantly simmer in a stew of sweat and rage at your inability to shape the world to your ...
CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end)Well, six people won the HBN Contest, and they each get a scanned version of a Patrick Semple or ...
On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be CoolI cannot stress how important these next four years are going to be. Ladies and Gentl ...
- Home
- Submissions
- Contact Us
- Newsletter
- Cracked Store
- Advertise
- Terms & Conditions
- Link to Cracked
- Privacy Policy
- Site Map
Copyright © 2005 - 2007 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, names and places used in CRACKED fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used in CRACKED fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of parody and identification. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists or should be implied.
![](”http://vs.dmtracker.com/images/zig.gif?Log=1")
agirl33
you guys need to get a f****n life this was not funny at alll it was cruel f****n basterd go to hell!!