There are a few reasons why you might love Heidi Klum. If you're a guy, obviously it's because she was once married to Seal and he's your favorite musician, which is an awfully strange choice, we'd like to add, but who are we to judge? For women, you likely admire/despise the fact that she's cranked out (science term) four children in less than a decade, all while holding down a full-time job hosting the hit TV show Project Runway and a part-time job getting paid to look like this:
Mike Windle/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Note: We settled on this image because those fries look delightful.
Again, there's a lot to like about Heidi Klum, but something happened recently that puts her in an entirely different category of existence. To put it bluntly, it appears that Heidi Klum may be some sort of superhero. And much like the Batmans and Spider-Mans of the world, while doing the work of a hero, Heidi Klum reminds us that, for the most part, people are a bunch of selfish dicks.
The events transpired while Klum was on vacation with her kids in Hawaii. While frolicking at the beach, a riptide swept two nannies and Klum's 7-year-old son, Henry, out to sea. Faced with the prospect of losing one of her kids and the people who help her take care of the rest of them forever, Klum swung into action to save the day.
It's likely that you've already heard about that, and if so, you've also heard that she's since dismissed her actions as being not that big of a deal. Before you go taking that to mean that we're overstating the "superhero" aspect of the title, keep a few things in mind. First, that's what every hero says. Remember when that Sully guy safely landed a plane in the Hudson River? He even refused to call himself a hero, and putting just about anything in the Hudson River without killing it is pretty heroic. Besides, this is not a picture of someone just doing what anyone would do:
Here she is recreating the magic with her son:
Now look at this picture:
That's boyfriend/bodyguard Martin Kirsten living up to his womanly last name by teetering on the brink of death after (and we're giving the benefit of the doubt here) saving maybe one person. See, according to the story that we're basing all of this on, three people were swept out with the riptide -- two nannies and the son. What we've seen in the photographic evidence so far reveals that Heidi Klum pulled two of those people out of the ocean. Given that none of the stories about the incident state that he was in danger of drowning, it's safe to assume that his state of exhaustion can be attributed to the fact that Martin Kirsten just pulled the second nanny mentioned in the story to safety. With that in mind, check out this shot:
There are two nearly drowned nannies in that scene, which means at the very least that Heidi Klum and Martin Kirsten have just done the exact same amount of lifesaving work. While this work has left the man she pays to protect her from danger (and loneliness) a worthless shell of his former action hero self, Heidi Klum is still sprinting around the place like a goddamn gazelle.
And why does all of this reveal something terrible about the rest of us? Because these pictures exist in the first place. All of this had to unfold over the course of at least a minute or two; how does a person just stand around and keep snapping pictures when people are fucking drowning? Why is George Lucas in the jam shorts there not even looking at the two waterlogged caretakers writhing in exhaustion on the ground? The answer to that question, of course, is because throughout most of this heroic act, Heidi Klum's nipple was showing.
Or, as another classy headline put it:
Notice how the nip slip is given top billing over "saving her son from drowning" as being the part of the story that involved suffering? Right, that's because we're terrible, terrible people. All of us. Except Heidi Klum. And as if her current run of publicity didn't already reveal her to be an unexpected badass of the highest order, have a look at this vacation photo from just a few short days after her near-tragic encounter with the ocean:
That's Heidi Klum and family collectively saying, "Fuck you, water, we still have fun on you." Just like the family of a superhero would.
Oh, and Heidi Klum ...
... is great ...
... at wearing ...
... a disguise:
She's a superhero. We rest our case.