The Most Amazing Celebrity Meltdown No One's Talking About

4

Inexplicable Psychotic Outbursts

In October, Williams got into an argument with actor Faizon Love outside of a nightclub, possibly over who had appeared in the superior Friday movie. Williams went to his car to get a gun, which was promptly taken away from him by one of Love's crew. Upon discovering that Williams had actually forgotten to load the weapon, they gave it back to him and went inside the club, presumably after ruffling his hair and making him promise not to break any windows with his slingshot.

Noel Vasquez / Getty
"There's no way he'll ever figure out how to buy bullets."

Last weekend, Williams smacked a guy in the head with a microphone for filming part of his stand-up performance. Then he was arrested two days later for threatening a restaurant manager with a pool cue and throwing a rock at a car containing a couple with a young child, because he is clearly possessed by the kind of irrational toddler rage that forces you to abruptly strike people with whatever is currently in your hand. Williams' bail was posted by Suge Knight, a man perhaps best known for getting shot in a car with Tupac and dangling Vanilla Ice over a hotel balcony.

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Suge Knight, seen here at his part-time gig as a tower.

3

"Rich and Famous" Bravado

While brandishing the aforementioned pool cue at the restaurant manager, Williams complained that the man was unfairly trying to "protect the customers from the famous guy," because as we all know, if a minor celebrity wants to scream at people and break things, you are supposed to let them.

Later, while being arrested, he told the police that he had been arrested 30 times in the past couple months and that his millions of dollars would protect him from any serious consequences. He also vowed to get the arresting officer fired, which is the first phrase they teach you in Wealthy Dickhead school.

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The second phrase they teach you is "Do you carry that in Facefucking Crazy?"

2

Ridiculous Lawsuits

A few months ago, Williams allegedly punched his assistant hard enough to send her to the hospital with permanent injuries (yes, that sentence contained the words "punched" and "her" in reference to a man who, ostensibly, is a comedian). No charges were filed, but she's currently suing him for $5 million, which is roughly the amount he was paid for Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

Williams has still been doing shows throughout all this, although by all accounts the shows have sucked enough corpse penises to warrant legal action. One man was so enraged by the comedian's performance (which included Williams taking some of his clothes off and threatening to fight the audience) that he filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who will never get that quarter hour of their lives back.

Williams himself declared that he would be suing Seattle for $50 million for "crippling my reputation as a father and a black man and as a taxpaying citizen and as a person who is not a convicted felon." He also offered to pay Washington $300,000 if they let him and his family live on the state ferry in the same interview, because this is how crazy people speak.

Komo News
There's an inverse relationship between the mass of beads on your neck and your grip on reality.

1

Hilarious Getaway Vehicles

When Williams decided to take his three-wheeled motorcycle (typically ridden by children and called "a tricycle") out for a spin on the sidewalk in Sacramento, the police stopped him to point out that motor vehicles are meant to be driven in the street. Williams offered them the rejoinder that he didn't care and "sped" away, resulting in a sight gag of a pursuit. A week later, he slapped a Target employee in the face and hopped on a motorized shopping cart to make good his escape once the cashier called the cops (although Williams did stop to take french fries from a stranger in the food court, because nothing works up a hunger like being a goddamned lunatic).

Jemal Countess / Getty
This outfit alone burned off three value meals.