James Buchanan
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People have gotten creative about how they get around while drinking, because careful moderation and/or calling a taxi are simply too ridiculous to discuss. However, as drunk drivers continue to pilot increasingly wackier vehicles, the laws have expanded to the point where you can now probably get a DUI on roller skates.
Raymond Kulma heroically earned his seventh DUI after fighting with a man in front of a senior citizen community and boosting his motorized wheelchair. Presumably looking to evade the police in the quickest and most clandestine way possible, Kulma fled the scene at walking speed down the middle of the street, as shown in a video that should be given an Academy Award for unintentional comedy.
James Gray was pulled over after drinking almost an entire case of beer and driving a riding lawn mower nearly 3 miles on the wrong side of the road. Presumably he was too drunk to realize that he was riding on pavement and, believing that he'd just mowed the shit out of the entire county, asked the officer to pay him the lemonade and comic books he felt he was owed.
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A bunch of peewee hockey players and their parents watched for 20 minutes as Joel Keith Bruss slowly bounced his Zamboni off the walls of the rink like Billy Joel on Ice before their coach called the cops. Bruss was arrested for DWI, presumably to a chorus of boos from parents furious over having to watch their children be terrible at hockey for an extra half-hour.
Charles Cowart spent five hours drunkenly galloping on horseback through a small town in North Florida, as detailed by a news report that reads like a book of Mad Libs found in the haunted bedroom of a dead schizophrenic man. Cowart rode shirtless through several major intersections, blocking traffic and even a train before his own father tackled him off of the horse and declared, "He's no tireder than a cowboy would be after he got off a day's ride in the cow woods," which is the single most baffling sentence ever printed in the history of journalism.
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An off-duty officer in Paradise, Pennsylvania, stopped a horse and buggy trotting aimlessly down the center line like Nick Nolte on Veterans Day to find an Amish man in the driver's seat, passed out and soaked in alcohol. Presumably the man was either an undercover detective hunting Danny Glover or a refugee from an impromptu Fall Out Boy concert (although the fact that he was living in Amish Paradise cannot be ignored).
An Australian man was arrested after cruising through a beachside resort town on a plastic cooler outfitted with a 50cc engine, which must be the most inevitable DUI stop on record, considering that the vehicle in question was 80 percent beer cans. This is sort of like putting a saddle on Spuds MacKenzie and riding down the street wearing a cape reading "I've been drinking."
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In what could only be described as the thinnest interpretation of the phrase "operating a watercraft," an Alaska man was arrested for drunkenly slouching in an inflatable raft as it floated down a river. Troopers dragged him ashore and gave him a breathalyzer that registered more than four times the legal limit, suggesting that he'd probably forgotten what rivers were and likely believed that his sobriety test was the overture to an alien abduction.
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David Allen Rodgers blazed through a few red lights and hopped a set of railroad tracks at 60 mph while dragging a Christmas float full of dancing kids (presumably he felt that upping the stakes with vehicular manslaughter and airborne pinwheeling children would make the parade more entertaining). Ultimately, no one was hurt, and Rodgers earned 18 counts of kidnapping and some assault charges to go along handsomely with his DUI.
