You may recognize Magnetic Poetry as the bullshit that crowds your refrigerator like the shredded cargo manifesto of a wealthy human trafficker but can't actually keep any Papa John's coupons from falling on the floor. Well, now you can buy the bacon-themed set and leave hilarious bacon haikus to delight your perpetually empty apartment! Also, with words like "dripping," "belly," "meat," "crave," "crisp," "satisfy," and "she," the "bacon-themed" set could be used to draft the most horrifying sentence in the history of the English language (see "perpetually empty apartment," above).
One of the worst things about soap is that it doesn't leave you feeling like you've spent the day rolling around in an offal gutter down at the local meat-packing plant. No longer, friends -- Bacon Soap gives you the refreshing zest of bathing in lunch while simultaneously defeating the entire purpose of cleaning yourself. We assume bulk orders come packaged with a can of lard for use as mustache wax and/or hair gel.
Baconlube, "a delicious massage oil and personal lubricant," is unfortunately exactly what it sounds like -- a bottle of pork-flavored sex gloop. If your response to this information is anything other than your genitals shriveling up in terrified confusion, you have stumbled across this article as the result of a completely unironic Google search and are probably listening to "Goodbye Horses" on your headphones to drown out the squeal of the bone saw in the next room.
... and for your victims, a bacon coffin!
The lube started off as an April Fools' joke on manufacturer J&D's website, but after sufficient demand (and an unofficial waiting list of over 3,000 eager customers), it became a real product. We hope that a significant portion of this demographic was comprised of people who wanted to buy Baconlube as a gag gift for friends or to keep on a shelf as a goof, but odds are there's at least one couple out there planning an evening around the cologne, rose, and lube trifecta. And they probably both have diabetes.
You can read more from Mark, including his proposal for bacon-flavored lettuce, at his personal website.