The 6 Stupidest Things You Can Pay People to Do for You

6

Be Your Wingman

Getty

Having trouble landing a woman at the bar? Tired of going home alone after a long night of "Hey bartender, send a few drinks to the table over there, on me," just to get strange looks? Worry no longer, because services are popping up that allow you to hire women to act as your wingman; that is, if you're willing to spend $72 an hour.

In Boston, you can hire sexy women from Hire A Boston WingWoman to go out with you to the bars to help you pick up other sexy women. Because if there's one thing we all know to be true, it's that the best relationships are built on a foundation of lies.

5

Pick Up Your Dog's Poop (On a Schedule)

Getty

The worst part of having dogs is that they require intervention on your part if they're expected to not just use the bathroom all over everything you own. Thankfully, DoodyCalls is here to save you from this particularly shitty (hah!) aspect of being a dog owner.

For only $15 a week per dog, uniformed men will come over to your house at any time you want to pick up your dog's crap. With branches all over America, you're just missing out on an opportunity to make your neighbors think you're high class.

But if you're a cat owner instead, you can also hire a woman in New York to come over and pick your cat up whenever it's being bad. No, we're not joking. She'll come over and chase your cat. Far be it from us to call that ridiculous, though, so she doesn't get her own entry on this list.

4

Kidnap You

For those of you who look at kidnappings on the news and think, "Damn, why does that never happen to me?" you can fly over to eastern France and hire a company called Ultime Realite to do exactly that.

For a measly �£1,000, they will stalk you for a few days and, when you least expect it (probably when you're masturbating), they'll jump out, throw you into a van, tie you up for half a day and make you wish you were never born. French-style.

3

Advertise Your Company ... on a Human Face

BuyMyFace.com

It can be hard to launch your business -- not because it might be a niche thing, like hamster funerals or toe therapy, but because you haven't advertised. Which is why two college students in the U.K. will advertise your company on their faces. How much? A mere $600 a pop -- and yes, people actually pay for this.

In less than a year, the two paid off the entirety of their student debt, just for painting company names on their faces and putting pictures of it online. There's been talk that the company is considering expanding to other areas. We sincerely hope that just means they want to hire more people.

2

Cook Your Home-Cooked Meal

Cooking for people is awful, whether you're good at it or not. So what do you do when you have company coming over but no desire to entertain or feed them in any way? Easy -- for the entertainment, strippers. For the food, you order from Housebites. At first it seems like a regular delivery service, until you read their special offer: For a small fee, they'll give you the dirty pots and pans with the meal.

So for those of you too ashamed to admit that you can't cook, you can order their food and dishes before your guests arrive, sprinkle some cooking oil on the kitchen floor and maybe break a few eggs on the counter, just for authenticity. Just like that, people think you have some value to the world. What a bunch of suckers!

1

Send Your Stuffed Toy on Vacation

barcelonatoytravel.com

We'd all love to travel, but seeing the world is expensive as shit. Which is why there's a service for the next best thing: Have your stuffed toys do the traveling for you. For packages as low as �£60, you can send your toys to a company called Barcelona Toy Travel, who will create a Facebook page for your toy and upload pics of it going around to famous locations. It's something you could accomplish just as easily with Photoshop, but who can afford that shit?

They offer more expensive packages, too, which include tasting local dishes, going to amusement parks or having a picnic on the beach.

Unsurprisingly, the bulk of their clientele hail from Japan and China.

You can find XJ twittering twits on his Twitter, and read his writing blog here.