The 4 Most Badass Ways Anyone Has Taken on a Deadly Animal

4

Grandmother Debates Throat-Punching a Wolf

Aishat Maksudova (which we're pretty sure translates to "She-Liam Femme-Neeson") shot to fame after she beat a wolf to death at the spry age of 56. Upon seeing 50 pounds of gaping maw try to turn her leg into the first stages of lupine poop, the Russian grandmother, in her own words, "was not even frightened." Think about that the next time you wig out after spotting a daddy longlegs in the bathtub.

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"You think you're hardcore, wolf? Try spending 50 years in goddamn Russia."

3

Man Bites Python

Back in 2009, Kenyan farmhand Ben Nyaumbe was attacked by a 13-foot-long phallic metaphor after he accidentally stepped on it. The snake, knowing that it was big enough to do whatever the fuck it wanted, dragged Nyaumbe into a tree and squeezed him -- for three hours.

Nyaumbe first removed his shirt and attempted to smother the serpent, but he abandoned this plan when he realized that the snake was so consumed with murder that it had transcended the mortal need for oxygen. At this critical juncture, Nyaumbe decided to bite the beast instead, because "an eye for an eye" is the only blood-scrawled amendment on the constitution of the animal kingdom.

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Violence is the only acceptable filibuster in python jurisprudence.

2

Chainsaw Versus Mountain Lion

In 2009, Dustin Britton was cutting wood in a Wyoming forest when an extremely hungry mountain lion began staring him down. Realizing that his wife and children were close by, Britton ran for a clearing, where things became extremely metal.

1

Man Wrestles Shark Out of the Surf

In 2001, 8-year-old Jessie Arbogast was attacked by a 7-foot-long bull shark that tore off his arm. This sucked -- for the shark. How come? Because Arbogast was visiting the Pensacola, Florida, shore with the very personification of man's contempt for nature, his uncle, Vance Flosenzier.

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Seen here in a rare moment of not punching something.

Noticing the commotion in the water, Flosenzier immediately set about grappling the shark out of the ocean, because A) the shark still held Arbogast's dismembered arm and B) the law of the wild dictates that when a shark attacks a child, it loses its legal right to fight on its home turf.

Gripping the shark's tail, Flosenzier laid it out on the shark-smothering beach so the fish could meditate on how its biological imperatives completely screwed the pooch this time. Also, Arbogast's arm was successfully reattached, as medical science knows better than to waste the time and efforts of a man who wrestles sharks.

Associated Press
"Anyone who needs a boat to fight sharks is a pussy."