Tom Reimann
Here are four movies being released this March that you should avoid even wandering drunkenly into on St. Patrick's Day, because they won't simply kill your buzz -- they will burn your buzz's house down with its family trapped inside.
InAPPropriate Comedy stars Rob Schneider and Lindsay Lohan, because apparently the film's producers thought that combining two of the biggest box office singularities in recent history would result in a polarity-reversing explosion showering them in millions of cocaine-dusted dollars soaked in strippers' tears. Schneider is wearing his best David Cross and/or Paul Giamatti disguise to try and trick people into buying a ticket, and the marketing executives made sure to put as much distance between his name and Lohan's to prevent the audience from fleeing the theater during the opening credits. We almost asked what in the howling blue thunderfuck Adrian Brody was doing in this movie, until we remembered The Village, King Kong, and that Diet Coke commercial, and realized the question was rhetorical. It's billed as a "no holds barred sketch film," historically the most quality-driven genre of movie making populated by such legendary examples as The Groove Tube and the recent blazing success of Movie 43.
The first four words of that tagline are spot-on.
Phantom is about a rogue Soviet nuclear submarine, because apparently the statute of limitations has expired on K-19: The Widowmaker and Hollywood decided it was time for another dose of fake Russians. Ed Harris stars as a dusty old crypt fart in a staring contest with David Duchovny, presumably over which one of them became irrelevant the fastest. As evidenced by the trailer, the cast attempts to avoid the pitfalls of past submarine thrillers by making absolutely no attempt to appear Russian in any way, a bold character choice sure to delight the 17 people that mistakenly buy a ticket thinking it's a screening of the 1996 Billy Zane classic.
White T is the story of two American Diabetes Association spokesmen who purchase the titular white T shirt only to discover that it has a golden tag entitling them to one onstage performance with the most popular rapper in the world (the real-life story of O-Town's career is no less stupid). The poster appears to have been Photoshopped by a 6th grade art class, with the puzzling inclusion of two shadows that look like the Little Caesar's mascot if he were one of the chittering poltergeists that drag Tony Goldwyn to the snarling depths of hell at the end of Ghost. The supporting cast includes Eric Roberts and Deion Sanders, which is probably the only time in history that photographic evidence will be created of those two men doing anything together, and the only time Deion Sanders' brief but hilarious rap career will be treated as anything other than the worst professional advice he ever received (if for no other reason than that honor now clearly belongs to his role in White T).
If we believe, do we have to watch?
We realize there probably are people eagerly anticipating the release of Stephenie Meyer's latest "two mopey dudes compete over who gets to control a girl's life" epic. However, we are not anticipating another half-decade of terrible movies based on terrible books that one third of the Internet will insist are amazing, one third will make hackneyed jokes about, and one third will proudly announce without provocation or pretext that they have never seen, as if this makes them eligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor or the Trailblazing Individuality Award (we made one of those up). Also, Andrew Niccol's previous efforts include In Time, wherein he tried to convince the world that Justin Timberlake was an action star and the world politely disagreed, and S1m0ne, which is like watching the Zapruder film if Al Pacino's career had been sitting in the backseat of the presidential limousine. Adding supernatural melodrama to that rancid cake batter can only result in one of the worst experiences you could ever trade money for in a public setting.
Tom is wondering when J.K. Rowling is going to write Harry Potter and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter.
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