January is traditionally the worst month of the year for theatrical releases. It's like a Dickensian orphanage where Hollywood banishes all of its cleft-lipped failures to try and work off their debts until they're sold on street corners four months later. Here are the four you should never watch for any reason:
4Battle of the Year: The Dream Team
In Battle of the Year: The Dream Team, Chris Brown disguises himself as Sisqo and joins a break-dancing team coached by Sawyer from Lost, who apparently decided to trade a plane crash for a train wreck. The first 30 seconds of the trailer feature Chris Brown being loaded onto a bus and driven to prison, which is the only aspect of the movie that suggests the filmmakers are aware of current events and didn't come from space.[inject-module]
Chris Brown's "acting" consists of sneering and constantly lifting up his T-shirt like he was given the word "bellybutton" in a spelling contest but doesn't quite understand the rules. The best moment is when he says, "Let's bring back that trophy for America," because apparently the hopes and dreams of a nation depend on him defeating a dozen Koreans in a back-flipping contest. The film also promises to play up the aggressive misogyny of Chris Brown's character for maximum chuckles, which, in light of certain facts, is the creepiest thing imaginable. This would be like casting O.J. Simpson as Ralph Kramden in The Honeymooners, but instead of threatening his wife with "BANG-ZOOM! Straight to the moon!" he says, "STIB-STAB! Straight to the slab!"
"Abs are the same thing as acting, right?"