Jack Reacher sounds like a 5-year-old trying too hard to name his hamster something cool and accidentally coming up with a dominating porn alias (Bludge Hammercock and Pistonflex WombEraser were presumably also considered). We get that he's named Jack Reacher because he reaches beyond the law, but that's a little on the nose, isn't it? You might as well call him Jack Beyondthelawington and give him a belt buckle that plays the theme song from Renegade. The trailer looks like every thriller from the '90s having boring, confused sex with each other while John Grisham reads one of his books to Wesley Snipes.
Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away
James Cameron decided that we needed more swirling blue bullshit this holiday season and is bringing us Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away, which looks like Moulin Rouge met How the Grinch Stole Christmas for drinks at the Throbbing Stallion with a lunchbox full of LSD. It's what Andrew Lloyd Webber sees when he strains too hard while masturbating. For some reason Hollywood decided to recontextualize it to try to tell an actual story, which is baffling when you consider that Cirque du Soleil is so free of context that it barely exists in the physical realm, sort of like a haiku about walnuts written by the ghost of Corey Haim. If you buy a ticket to this film, the theater will actually deduct money from the Will Rogers Institute.
Tom is secretly going to buy a ticket to The Hobbit and sneak into Les Miserables. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter.