Red Bull's Class Action Lawsuit and 6 Other Internet Lies

7

Science Didn't Just Create a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak

A couple times a year, news sites will start dusting off their best Harry Potter references to announce that, finally, science has discovered the key to total invisibility. Of course, it's always bull- HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT! THEY REALLY DID IT THIS TIME!

syracuse.com

theguardian.com
"Eat shit, magic!" -Science

An invisible Harry Potter cloak that, according to The Guardian, Fox, and Time costs only, like, a hundred bucks? That's it: prepare to start showering with your clothes on, ladies. With that kind of power, our economy and societal structure as we know it is surely about to collapse! Unless, of course, they're speaking in a ridiculously hyperbolic manner about some minor scientific achievement? You know, like the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that, and so on?

6

There's Zero Proof That a Mom Brought Vagina Cookies to School

The Internet loves stories about those crazy feminists and their wacky ideas, like extra-flammable bras or equal respect and opportunity for all people regardless of gender (LOL!). Take this headline for example, passed along by BuzzFeed, HuffPost, SF Gate, Elite Daily, and our friends over at The Daily Mail:

buzzfeed.com

huffingtonpost.com

elitedaily.com
"No one complained when I brought corn dogs. Hypocrites."

5

Kim Jong Un Didn't Break His Ankles Because He's Too Fat

The media is apparently obsessed with painting Kim Jong Un as both bloodthirsty evil and cartoonishly dunce-like. Three guesses which one this falls under:

telegraph.co.uk

dailycaller.com

express.co.uk
"Sources say a slide whistle accompanied the fall, and he farted for a full minute after."

Oh, it's one of these. For Express, Daily Caller, NY Daily News, and Telegraph it's the headline equivalent of "fatty fatty two-by-four" for the leader of North Korea, whose addiction to fine dairy and flashy footwear reportedly caused him to gain so much weight that his lower body just shattered under the pressure. The evidence? Why, a totally objective source from South Korea (the Bugs Bunny to the North's Elmer Fudd), whose quote begins with the phrase "I heard that ..." In other words, a more accurate way to phrase all those headlines would have been "Random Person Thinks Kim Jong Un Is a Teetering Flab Sandwich, Probably."

4

Beer Is Good for Your Brain ... as Long as You're a Lab Mouse

All right, everyone line them up. Ready? Set? ... Waterfall!

huffingtonpost.com

wrrv.com
"We're very excited about these results," said the head of the study, "and you're my best friend and I love you."

Hooray! Science says that beer you're funnel-chugging into your anus right now is actually good for you! The bros have it! Alcoholism is fixed! Right? Otherwise Metro, Elite Daily, HuffPost, and freaking CNN would be wildly irresponsible to imply that something that kills 75,000 people per year is a wonder-drink for the sake of getting a few clicks. Man ... we know this is an article about bullshit news stories and all, but is it too much to ask that this one is real?

seattle.cbslocal.com
FUCK.

3

There Isn't a Tinder-Related Security Problem at Buckingham Palace

Looks like the queen's casa has officially become Fuckingham Palace now that Tinder turned the stronghold into the extended scenes from Caligula:

mtv.co.uk

metro.co.uk
Palace guards keep all types of kinky shit under those hats.

2

That 1912 Brothel Menu Is Quite Obviously Fake

Speaking of people fucking on velvet couches, we're guessing that at least half of you have gotten this next one posted in your Facebook feed by a college friend or terrifying uncle:

uproxx.com

buzzfeed.com
Mainly, "Who's dumb enough to fall for this shit?"

1

Red Bull Isn't Getting Sued for Claiming to Give You Wings

America's main export isn't machinery or electronics: it's hilarious "frivolous lawsuit" stories that the rest of the world can laugh at while hunting dogs to eat or something. Here's the latest and greatest one:

mpora.com

blogs.miaminewtimes.com

telegraph.co.uk
It turns out it isn't even made from bull blood.

You're looking at NBC News, Telegraph, ABC News, HuffPost, New Zealand Herald, and USA Today all having a good laugh/facepalm over a man who sued Red Bull because it doesn't actually give people wings ... and won! How could that be? Is the judicial system made up entirely of Forrest Gumps and Drax the Destroyers? We could investigate this further, but instead we'll just quit here and make this a meme for the next 20 years, like that McDonald's coffee lawsuit lady (who actually did get seriously hurt).

Tim Boyle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
We just Googled pictures of her wounds, and now we want to sue McDonald's for the emotional distress, too.

Just kidding. It turns out the actual Red Bull lawsuit has nothing to do with growing physical wings out of your body -- it claims that the slogan is a part of a larger false marketing campaign where the energy drink promises a higher physical performance, as opposed to just being another caffeinated beverage. So, where did that other stuff come from? When Snopes traced it back, they found the reason everyone is attributing the lawsuit solely to the power of flight is because most news organizations simply chose to ignore the real story to make the news more interesting. And isn't that what journalism is all about?

No, seriously, we're asking. At this point, we don't even know.

Do the American thing! Report B.S. News to Dave on his Twitter!

For more B.S. news you probably believed, check out 6 B.S. News Stories That Went Viral: The Girl With Three Boobs and 5 B.S. Stories That Went Viral: Anti-Roofie Nail Polish.