Martha Stewart is one of an extremely limited number of convicted felons who can still have literally anything they want out of life. From jobs to money to friends and everything beyond, Martha Stewart, for all intents and purposes, should want for nothing. So why in the hell is this happening?
That's Martha Stewart's shiny new Match.com online dating profile. "The old huntress is looking for some silver foxtail," as nobody ever says.
It all started when beige Muppet Matt Lauer did what appeared to be an innocent "day in the life" segment for his good pal Martha Stewart, who was promoting her new book on the TODAY show.
Filmed on location at the kind of place where "Release the hounds!" still means something.
During said interview, they very casually turned the topic to the fact that Stewart is thinking about dating again, and even more casually turned it to the fact that she is thinking about starting a Match.com profile. How cute!
Oh, and look! The pre-recorded video then very casually fades to the studio, where Martha Stewart is sitting next to relationship author/pink shirt enthusiast Dan Slater and Match.com chief executive Sam Yagan.
A veritable dream team of people you don't care about.
And so begins the most awkward and creepy publicity arrangement you'll ever see. As the incredibly forced conversation heaves onward, Stewart announces her new Match.com account and gushes about how well the site has worked for her other Golden Girl friends. Heck, she's so confident that she even used her real name for her profile, because that's totally what you'd do if you were a famous billionaire looking for dates and not just trying to boost the sign-up rate for a website.
Hey, did we mention that Dan Slater has a new book specifically about online dating? Because they totally mention it a few times. Also he's Stewart's nephew through marriage, which clearly is just a happy coincidence.
"She picked out my shirt!"
Starting to see the synergy? We now know what Match.com guy wants, and clearly we know why the "I have a new book about online dating and my aunt is Martha Stewart" guy is there. But what of Stewart? She doesn't need the publicity or the money, and in fact seems to be winging it more than the others. That's probably why, when pressed for a reason as to why she started a Match.com profile, she came back with this:
"I'd like to have breakfast with somebody, and go to bed with somebody. Sleep with someone."
Yep. That's 71-year-old Martha Stewart telling TODAY she's just looking to fuck.
This could be you!
Now she's on daytime television sitting awkwardly next to her nephew as he pimps her off to get logged while she smiles like some kind of bad dream. Is there any way to make this weirder?
The answer is yes, as when Lauer -- apparently the only person in the room who finds any of it weird -- asks Stewart how long she's been feeling this way. Nephew Slater steps in and reassures the host that she's totally been hump crazy for a long time, saying it's something they've discussed since the first night he met her. We did mention that he's her nephew, right?
"This broad's crazy for it!"
Look, we're all for Stewart getting laid; she looks great, and if her craft skills are any indication, she must be a blast in the sack -- but this is just downright uncomfortable. Does she not know about prostitution? Sure, it costs more, but compared to the indignity of going on TODAY, she'll probably sleep much better at night ... after the sex, of course.