5 Changes That Would Make the Game Monopoly More Accurate

The diamond ring similarly doesn't jibe with us. We always assumed that Monopoly players were tacitly supposed to be scheming vagabonds, mugging vacationers for their Chance cards using irons and thimbles and old boots in a contest to become the God of Slumlords.

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At least you can throw the cat at people.

The truth is that Monopoly pieces represent absolutely bupkis, as they originated as charm bracelet trinkets. But what if Hasbro instead proposed five tokens that actually epitomized the Monopoly-playing experience, what with its ups and downs and glaring lack of due process? We think they'd look a little something like this.

The rope symbolizes the human inability to maintain a full Monopoly set at any given time. If you're anything like us, hotels and property cards somehow disappear from the box for reasons that can only be chalked up to poltergeists. This leads to some truly regrettable stopgap solutions. We will never forget the time that Battleship peg erected a magnificent Cheeto at Marvin Gardens.

The Flip-Flap Railway was an Atlantic City boardwalk attraction in the early 1900s and an antecedent of the modern roller coaster. A piece representing the Flip-Flap Railway would imbue Monopoly with further historical flavor and -- as this loop-de-loop gave its riders whiplash -- warn novice players that Monopoly is fun in theory but godawful in practice.

In every game of Monopoly, there's inevitably the poor bastard who lands on either Water Works or Luxury Tax for three hours straight. The wise player considers this eventuality and picks this token, a tiny scale recreation of a real old-timey naturist periodical. Let those other jerks trade cuss words and dark secrets for Park Place and B&O Railroad. You're staying cool, ogling naked dames and dudes shucking oysters (or doing whatever was sexy during the Hoover administration).