6 B.S. Viral Stories: 'Frozen' Isn't Causing Divorces

6

That "Man Fights Shark" GoPro Video Is So Fake

Sharks are nature's reminder that while mankind may have spawned from the ocean, that's pretty much the extent of the courtesy, lest we are torn limb from limb by giant mouth bullets. Similarly, these swimming sarlacc pits are as good a reason as any not to go anywhere near Australia, as highlighted by a recent viral video reported by Mashable, Huffington Post, Epoch Times, MSN, NY Post, and Time:

huffingtonpost.co.uk

nypost.com
"How long since we fell for a shark-related hoax? A week? OK, go for it."

5

Steve Martin Isn't Doing a Gay-Themed Father of the Bride 3

Movie rumor sites are the faith healing of entertainment news: Either they're right and everyone praises them, or they completely fuck the dog and everyone just shrugs it off as a consequence of the trade. For example, take this shining moment from a few weeks ago:

theguardian.com

firstshowing.net

thestir.cafemom.com
It's official: Kieran Culkin got typecast.

4

A Naked Sunbather Did Not Cause a Traffic Pileup

There are three types of story no newsroom can resist: the ones about senseless destruction, the ones about foreigners being wacky, and the ones about public nudity. Smash these things together and it's easy to see how this little baby caught fire so damn fast:

ibtimes.co.uk
It took an impressive amount of restraint not to name this "BUTT FLASHING LEADS TO REAR ENDING."

3

No, People Aren't Getting Divorced Over the Movie Frozen

While China might be the current house tap for crazy foreign news, Japan is never too far behind. Case in point:

nypost.com
But hey, at least the headline isn't-

theguardian.com
... never mind.

That would be a Japanese husband who got thrown on the D-train to Lonelyville all because of his distaste for a certain popular Disney film. The story spread faster than a "Let It Go" cover, as CBS, NY Post, Uproxx, and even the Guardian cashed in on the absurdity -- all of which was originated by, and we quote, "one anonymous 31-year-old man" on a goddamn marriage advice forum. Even in the unlikely case that the "31-year-old" wasn't a bored teenager making shit up just for kicks, who says he's telling the truth? We're no marriage experts, but we have seen What About Bob? enough times to know that thinking your wife left you because of a trivial difference is way more of a red flag than the trivial difference itself.

Touchstone Pictures
Now that's a movie worth ending your marriage over.

2

Sorry, Bumblebees Don't Heroically Save Other Bumblebees

Thanks to Pixar's secret agenda to sentimentalize every goddamn lump with a mouth and eyes, we can't help but turn the natural plight of all creatures big and small into an opera of good and evil. For instance, check out the fleeting viral video of the week:

time.com

news.ninemsn.com.au
DreamWorks is already working on the ripoff version starring houseflies.

Amazing. Apparently we not only are able to detect the narrative and motivation of these fuzzy insects, but also can tell that they're related. In case you're lazy, the video shows one little bee being slowly and terrifyingly approached by its eight-legged captor before a second bumblebee comes barreling to the rescue like a Leeroy Jenkins/John McClane lovechild, supposedly stinging the spider before making a clean break.

news.ninemsn.com.au
The downside is that the spider now has the powers and proportional strength of a bumblebee.

1

A Woman in China Isn't Living With 100,000 Cockroaches

Just because we featured a story from Japan this time, don't think we're neglecting good ol' China. Here's what's on today's menu, courtesy of Metro, Perez Hilton, NY Daily News, the Independent, *deep comical breath* News.au, and Shanghaiist:

perezhilton.com

news.com.au
"Reports that she looks like Jerry O'Connell unconfirmed."

Gross! What could possibly drive a person to adopt cockroaches, of all things, as her family? Why not caterpillars, or something at least remotely cute? Unless you're farming them for money or something, there's no reasonable excuse for living with-

cbsnews.com

Oh. That's actually a thing. In fact, cockroaches are used for all sorts of fun and lucrative products over there, ranging from pharmaceutical to culinary, meaning that owning 100,000 of them isn't so crazy of an endeavor ... but does this lady have to share a home with them? Nope, and she actually doesn't. The above articles are technically correct, in that the cockroaches live in "her house" because she owns the place, but they left out the part from the original story clarifying that she doesn't actually live there. She eats, sleeps, and presumably washes her hands extensively in some other non-cockroach-infested place.

That's it. So basically the entire story of a crazy Chinese woman living with cockroaches boils down to a woman referring to her livestock as "babies" in an off-the-cuff comment during an interview (otherwise known as more than enough for the media to lose its collective shit).