The Hobbit Got A Kid Suspended: 6 BS Stories That Went Viral

6

Please Stop Reporting "Measles Parties" (Before They Actually Start Happening)

Anti-vaxxers (the ironically futuristic-sounding name for people who oppose the basic science of vaccines) have such an astounding combination of gullibility and privilege that it's almost majestic to watch them speak. This aggressive ignorance is why, in the midst of a measles outbreak, it's important for the media to keep calm and avoid giving the Jenny McCarthys of the world more ammunition. Like, for example:

myfoxatlanta.com

wchstv.com

cbsnews.com
... or real.

5

A "Feminist" Didn't Abort Her Baby Because He's a Boy

As a gentle reminder, dear people of the Internet (especially you, dashing gentleman about to leave a comment), feminism is defined as "a doctrine advocating social, political, and economic rights for women equal to those of men." Well, shit, how could anyone argue against that? Easy: Find an example of someone horrible who says they believe in it and go from there. And if you can't find that person, just invent them:

elitedaily.com

huffingtonpost.co.uk

dailycaller.com

inquisitr.com
Extra garbage points to the sites that didn't put quotes around "feminist."

4

Don't Believe Any Headlines About Crazy Foreigners and Their Smartphones

Nothing makes us feel better about our own terrible habits than learning that, somewhere out there, there's a country full of wacky people doing it even worse. For example, did you know that in Japan, "high school girls put in seven to 15 hours a day on their phones"?

jezebel.com
Maybe they're just trying to get away from all the [mildly racist assumption].

3

Parents Complaining About Their Kids' Suspensions Are Terrible Sources

Being a teacher means dealing with hordes of loud-mouthed emotion-balls who are impervious to logic -- also known as "parents." On the other hand, it's them we have to thank for wonderful headlines like these:

syracuse.com

dailycaller.com
Inviting the other kids to see all 200 hours of The Hobbit could also be considered a terroristic threat.

2

Using Emojis Doesn't Improve Your Sex Life

Most people know emojis as those stupid-cute little visual blurbs that young people dig and your mother might awkwardly text to you once a day. Well, according to a study reported by Medical Daily, Complex, USA Today, Independent, and Mashable, it turns out that your sweet mother is a fully blown, Grade-A sex beast:

complex.com

independent.co.uk
With ... with adults? Please confirm.

Before you cut and paste that lady with her hand up a hundred times into your phone, though, you should know that the brave folks over at the Washington Post did the unthinkable by actually reading the study, only to find out that the Match.com survey's results don't in any way draw that conclusion. Instead, it's the classic case of correlation vs. causation that the Internet loves oh so much to ignore. In other words, it simply points out that the group of people who use emojis also happen to be getting their fuck on more often -- presumably because they are younger (and more sexually active) or a hussy (like your mother). You could just as easily do this with anything popular with the youngsters and get the exact same kind of correlation every time.

Larry Marano/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
So you don't have to memorize every Iggy Azalea lyric after all. You're welcome.

1

A Jewish Leader Wasn't "Locked Inside" Auschwitz Overnight

Back in January, Auschwitz celebrated 70 years of being prisoner-free, only to have that streak seemingly broken in the same ironic breath:

express.co.uk

theweek.co.uk

breitbart.com
But look on the upside: not a single "OUCH-WITZ" headline pun.

Fucking oof. Naturally, a prominent Jewish figure being imprisoned in the only place most likely to have a "this building has gone X days without committing a global atrocity" sign on the wall is a big, big story. That's probably why The Guardian, HuffPo, Telegraph, RT, Express, and Breitbart all reported on Italian Jewish leader Riccardo Pacifici's outraged tweets describing how, while attempting to leave the Auschwitz museum with a TV crew, they found themselves locked in overnight. They were then detained for attempting to escape, because holy shit it's Auschwitz.

twitter.com/riccardpacifici
And they were ... forced to watch Keanu Reeves movies?

Only problem? The security footage from that evening showed that Pacifici's crew actually wrapped up before they were supposed to and didn't wait for the guards that were coming to let them out, as CNN found out when they actually asked the museum for their side of the story. The crew then attempted to Steve McQueen out via the visitors center ... which housed all the cash registers and therefore gave the guards ample reason to detain someone breaking in. Apparently, just because you're a prominent religious figure doesn't mean you can't be Mr. Bean.

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