9 Non-Political Issues That Divide American Voters

How else would they show off all that elaborate, pricey ink provided by tattoo artists who accept EBT cards? Keep in mind, these results may be slightly flawed, as our questionnaire did not specify that Fleshlights usually lack off/on switches.

To Call Soft Drinks "Soda" Instead of "Pop"

Most liberal East Coast gays grew up in red states with some meathead punching them in the gut until they squealed the word "pop." So it stands to reason that they would embrace a reactionary beverage term like "soda." However, if "soda" ever gains broader traction, expect them to reclaim "pop" in a classic Dr. Seuss "The Sneeches" switcharoo-reversey move.

Andre the Giant over Hulk Hogan

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Some hooligan vandalizes the streets with Andre the Giant posters and tells them to "Obey"? Sucker Dems fall right in line. But they shun the things that become popular American "manias" such as Hulk, Beanie Babies, McCarthyism and line dancing.

Thin-Crust Pizza over Deep Dish

A delicate crust supporting scant toppings allows liberals to crunchily shame fatties at the Pizza Hut without saying a word.

Mortal Kombat over Street Fighter

Oh, come on. Progressives only provided this answer because they've actually heard of Mortal Kombat. Milking the cow in Harvest Moon is the most hand-to-hand gaming action any of them have ever gotten.

Forget that multi-culti starship -- Star Wars' clear-cut tale of good vs. evil reflects Republicans' ideal outer space future. Even more importantly, the introduction of Jar Jar Binks made it acceptable for them to affect a Jamaican halfwit accent in mixed company.

Dogs over Cats

While progressives are known to let pretty much anyone come into their home and shit in a box, conservatives demand a certain amount of loyalty before handling another's feces.

Android over iPhone

Vacation time with the family is sacred to conservatives, and they don't waste it standing in line for some electronic geegaw. It is spent inside a tent in front of the new Chick-fil-A in hopes of scoring a year's worth of free meals.

Batman over Superman

While conservatives will claim that his vast wealth and system of vigilante justice make Batman a natural hero for their side, it's really the whole "housing a teenaged ward" thing that makes them confused and excited in the britches.