7 Weather Patterns That Prove Winter Is F#@%ing With Us

7

Lake Michigan Is Spewing Ice Balls

Glen Arbor Artisans
At least we hope that's ice.

6

Snow Rollers Look Like Ghosts Playing in the Snow

"Snow rollers" are snowballs made under very specific circumstances -- without the help of human hands. First, a layer of ice has to form on packed snow so the surface of the ground is slick. Then the weather has to get warm enough so that the next batch of snow is wet and loose, like an orifice in a porno.

Finally, if the wind is just right, it can push that top layer of snow around until dozens of hollow snowballs dot the landscape. (We'd continue the porn metaphor here, but it just gets sad when you talk about people getting pushed around until they're empty on the inside.)

UpNorthLive
We'd also like to apologize to those of you who mistakenly clicked this article after Googling "porn snowballs."

5

Frost Is Blooming Like Flowers

Imagine looking upon a dead, frost-covered landscape and longing for the warm kiss of spring air and the promise of blooming ground. (Look at you, getting all poetic and shit!) Suddenly, from a distance, you see what appears to be a beautiful blooming white flower. You bend down to pick it up and it crumbles, much like your dreams, into a frigid dust. Congratulations, you just touched a "frost flower."

Kristy Hibberts
"Frost cotton candy" was already taken.

4

Winter Tornadoes

Unfortunately for anyone who loves watching shit fly by at high velocities, the winter months tend to have little to no tornado activity in the United States. Luckily for those maniacs, the Great Lakes region, as we've established, is clearly a place where time and logic do not hold dominion over the cold.

jdeters79
They're laws of nature, not suggestions, asshole.

3

A North Dakota River Created a Perfect Ice Circle

George Loegering

2

Frost Quakes Are the Wintry Version of Earthquakes

Frost quakes, aka cryoseisms, are when water drained into the ground freezes and then explodes as it expands. Not only can you hear the boom, which sounds like thunder, but you can feel the explosion under your feet. So one minute there's not a cloud in the sky and you're out enjoying the arctic chill, the next minute KABLOOM, but underground. And, like some kind of apocalyptic ghost, this earthly thunder shows no seismographic fingerprints because of its proximity to the surface.

University of Wisconsin-Madison
"Did the seismometer catch the frost quake?"
"No, but it looks like everybody in the tri-county area evacuated their bowels in fear."

1

The Grand Canyon Gets Stoned as Shit

Every listed example so far has clearly been a triumphant display of Mother Nature's ever-formidable cruelty toward mankind, but she does throw us a bone every once and again. Just look at this phenomenon, which happens once a decade on average:

Erin Whittaker/National Parks Service

Yes, Grand Canyon National Park recently became the background setting for one of James Cameron's undoubtedly shitty upcoming Avatar sequels when the whole damn thing filled itself with clouds thanks to a "temperature inversion."

This is the result of extra snow and rain in the canyon getting trapped by a sudden high pressure system. The air on top is clear and warmer, while the air closer to the ground is still trying to figure out what to do with all that extra water. So it made fog. Lots and lots of it.

accuweather.com
"You're breathing my farts. Enjoy."

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