Normally, when a scary movie claims to be "based on a true story," they're using that term fairly loosely -- which is weird, because the opening minutes of horror flicks are unfolding in real life, all around the world, and with hilarious frequency.
So as part of our never-ending campaign to shatter your delusions of security and leave you a quaking shell of a human being, it's our job to inform you that ...
7 A Fish Orgy Likely Terrorized a Small English Town
Earlier this autumn, the unsuspecting citizens of Hampshire, England, were the victims of a nocturnal, pulsing hum that proved so annoying that residents escaped their homes to find some decent shut-eye. Scientists fingered a curious culprit -- tons of horny midshipman fish, whose courtship rituals require the males to boldly out-hum their sexual competitors.
"You have your 'hummers,' we have ours."
But to the bleary-eyed citizens of Hampshire, they might as well have been a gangbang of Lovecraftian deep spawn, rutting phantasmagorically on hundreds of rickety and soiled undersea mattresses.
6 We Found a 1,700-Year-Old Curse in Jerusalem
In horror movies, long-dead evils are usually brought screaming back to life when some poor schmuck without an internal monologue decides to read an old-ass incantation out loud. Well, reality's done cinema one better and slapped a thousand-year-old Roman curse tablet all over the damn Internet.
Robert Walter Daniel
"The Facebook tweaks, me! The Google+ing of YouTube, me! It's all me!"