Get Ready for a Bunch of Gritty Biblical Origin Stories
As far as biblical movies go, there are really only two options: Life of Brian or Ten Commandments. You either piss off religious groups or embrace them, but the one thing you don't do is completely rewrite a conviction that millions have spilled blood over the details of, right?
"Jesus Christ ..."
Or, you know, whatever. Turns out that along with comic books, video games, novels, and board games, the Bible isn't all that sacred either. Mary promises to be a "high action drama" co-written by the producer of Cabin Fever 2 that follows Jesus' mother as she fights under the reign of Herod the Great, who is going to be played by Ben Kingsley. The movie is already getting shit for hiring a nearly all British cast for a Middle Eastern setting, and it should be pissing you off sometime in 2015 on account that it's also a prequel for The Passion of the Christ.
And for anyone who wants to keep going after that, Jesus himself is getting an origin TV show written by David Franzoni that follows the "lost years" of his life from 13 to 30, effectively handing over the canon of the savior of millions to the dude who wrote Jumpin' Jack Flash.
What's next, a Pontius Pilate origin story starring Brad Pitt?
Actually, yes. That's exactly what's next.
The script, described as a "biblical era Twilight Zone episode," has already been written by up-and-coming romantic comedy writer Vera Blasi and follows Jesus' crucifixion from the perspective of a young Roman politician who gets in a little too far over his head when he ... *record scratch*
... murders God's only son!
While the entire thing sounds like Satan's Mad Lib, it's probably not as big of an affront to God as the aforementioned Smurfs movie.