6 Upcoming Movies That Deserve Way More Hype

6

Big Game: Die Hard Meets Goonies Meets Air Force One

Close your eyes. Now picture the entire first act of the movie Air Force One (this shouldn't be difficult). Fast-forward to the scene where President Marshall is stuffed in the ejection pod, only to Houdini his way into the aerial murder spree that becomes the rest of the film. Remember that? Now picture a universe where he actually takes the pod to safety, only to find himself in a Finnish forest surrounded by rocket-wielding terrorists, and his only means of escape is with the help of a plucky youngster armed with a bow and arrow.

Now imagine that the president is played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Altitude Film Entertainment
Seriously, how is this the first time he's played the president? Or been the president?

5

The Wolfpack: A Documentary About Teenagers Whose Knowledge of the Outside World Comes Only From Movies

Judging from the box office numbers, there is a large and understandable portion of the world who couldn't give a ghost fart about documentaries. After all, reality is the bitter gorge that movies help us claw out of in the first place, so why would we watch something reminding us of the lucid horrors from which there is no escape? Ironically, The Wolfpack is a documentary that follows a group of siblings with the opposite problem -- having spent their whole lives locked away in a Manhattan housing project, their only window to the world being the various films they're allowed to watch.

Verisimilitude
For example, they think Manhattan is wholly contained in Toronto.

4

The Lobster: Chubby Colin Farrell in a World Where You're Forced to Mate or Be Turned Into an Animal

Much like the majestic ocean, Colin Farrell is capable of endless splendor as well as unspeakable cruelty. He's not picky about his roles, but he tends to give them his all, even if that means suffering the indignity of shaving his head or working with LL Cool J. The one constant we can pin down is that the weirder the premise he chooses, the more likely the film will be a lot of fun. So, with that in mind, we present to you a dystopian future where single people are arrested, brought to a weird hotel, and forced to find a mate, lest they be literally transformed into an animal of their choosing.

Entertainment.ie, Sony
Such as a warthog or a John C. Reilly

3

Accidental Love: An Unreleased David O. Russell Film Written by Al Gore's Daughter

David O. Russell is the director behind the recent acclaimed films American Hustle, The Fighter, and Silver Linings Playbook. Before that, he was best known for trashing a set while screaming at Lily Tomlin and fucking head-butting George Clooney like a Vinnie Jones character. He has the directing style of a carnival ride operator caked in angel dust, so it should come as little surprise that back before Russell was getting Oscar nominations, James Caan stormed off the set of his then upcoming film Accidental Love -- a comedy about a woman who gets shot in the head with a nail gun and lacks the insurance to remove it, causing her to suffer spontaneous sexual and violent urges. From there she begins to rally the country for affordable healthcare, only to end up boning a greasy politician played by Jake Gyllenhaal instead. Also, the movie was originally called Nailed, because for some reason Russell felt that the previous sentence would be too subtle for most people.

Millennium Entertainment
Thanks, Obaamaa.

2

It Follows: Like The Ring, but With Fucking

From the follies of consumerism to eating disorders, the horror genre tends to have a surprising amount of subtle allegories. Or sometimes not so subtle, as is the case with It Follows, a horror film about a terrifying curse that is passed on through sex-making.

RADiUS-TWC
aka Rosemary's Scabies

It works like this -- Teenager 1 is infected by a deadly specter and can get rid of it only by dick-passing it to Teenager 2. The catch is that if Teenager 2 dies, the evil being will go back and start trying to kill Teenager 1 until Teenager 1 sexifies another hapless victim and passes the ghost along. It's like Pay It Forward, only with a relentless murder banshee. While the concept of a phantom boning spree sounds a lot like it could be a Ring porn parody, the film's trailer reveals the super unsexy detail that the malicious shroud in question works by taking the form of friends and abstract fears as it slowly and steadily advances on its victim, never stopping until it mangles their helpless body.

RADiUS-TWC
If you fear fuzzy geriatrics, you're royally fucked.

1

Absolutely Anything: Robin Williams' Last Movie Is Also an Unofficial Monty Python Reunion About Aliens

Since Robin Williams' death we've seen the inevitable trickle of his final comedic roles pass by like the world's funniest funeral procession. Absolutely Anything marks the caboose: Williams' final film stars Simon Pegg as a man who, through the help of aliens, gets the power to control the universe -- the inevitable consequence being that he gives his dog the power to speak. Any guesses as to who voices the pooch?

Lionsgate UK
Hint: It's not Samuel L. Jackson.

If you're wondering exactly what brand of awesome a scene between Pegg and a dog version of Williams looks like, check out this hilarious clip on YouTube. Immediately, this film vomits charm -- but that's not even half of it, as Absolutely Anything is co-written and directed by this guy:

Lionsgate UK
No, not Big-Ears. The other guy.

For any sons of a silly person that have no idea who that it, you're looking at Terry Jones -- co-director of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a member of Monty Python, which is currently down to five surviving members ... all of which appear in this new film. Yep, along with being the final film for Williams, by Jones' own estimation this is also the final film reunion for the members of Monty Python before they collectively fuck right off of the land of the living. Why people aren't lining up around the block already for this film's summer release is beyond us, considering that it definitively marks the end of one comedy era while passing on the torch to the next. So, while the idea might be kind of a bummer, at least there's a bright side to it.

Dave is on the Twitter if you want to say hello.