6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

6

Jem and the Holograms Is a No-Budget Sausagefest

If you're not familiar with Jem and the Holograms, it's basically Hannah Montana, if Hannah Montana owned a supercomputer that could alter the laws of reality. As with 99 percent of the '80s, it was created by Hasbro as a Saturday morning cartoon.

Also as with 99 percent of the '80s, it was executive produced by cocaine.

5

Raging Bull II: Wait, It's Called Bronx Bull

Have you guys heard about the upcoming movies Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud's Revenge and Back With the Wind? No, of course not, because Citizen Kane and Gone With the Wind are cinematic masterpieces, and any crude, money-grubbing attempt to capitalize on them with an unplanned sequel would be an insult to all the hard work that went into making the originals so great. With that, we give you Raging Bull II, aka The Bronx Bull.

Sunset Pictures
You'll always be number two to us.

4

The New Point Break Lost Its Only Star ... a Month Before Shooting

Despite lacking the all-important throat-ripping-out scene, Point Break still manages to be classic Swayze while at the same time capturing the je ne sais quoi of Keanu Reeves' wood plank method of acting. And although Swayze has since shuffled off this mortal coil, someone at Warner Bros. is evidently convinced that the surfer heist movie genre is coming back in a big way and greenlit a Point Break remake to be released next summer.

Universal Studios
No, we'll get to that franchise later.

3

Paddington Bear Loses His Voice ... in Post-Production

When it came time to cast the voice of Paddington Bear, the cherished children's character who taught kids it's OK to approach bears if they're dressed like people, Warner Bros. landed on Colin Firth. Or at least they did until the film was actually finished, at which point it was decided that, despite Geoffrey Rush's best attempts to berate him, Firth's voice just wasn't right for Paddington.

Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"So I shat outdoors, ate all that marmalade, and went to all those gay bars in preparation for nothing?"

2

Fast and Furious 7 Sounds Like the Saddest Set Ever

Movies frequently have to overcome obstacles during production; in fact, some of the best movies ever made were plagued with problems from start to finish. But while we commend and lionize those directors who battle through adversity, it seems like "the death of your franchise's lead actor" is a perfectly legitimate reason to call it a day.

To wit, you'd think Paul Walker's untimely death would mean the end of the seventh Fast and Furious installment, but not so. Director James Wan has sallied forth, undeterred, finishing Walker's unfilmed scenes using body doubles, CGI, and even Walker's own brothers.

Jason Kempin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
They should have gone full meta and hired this fellow to fill in.

1

Jupiter Ascending Is Pushed From July to February

While the trailer for Jupiter Ascending is utterly incomprehensible, it does certainly seem to have some promising elements: pretty visuals, Channing Tatum in eyeliner, and at least a full minute of Sean Bean on screen, alive. Couple that with direction by the Wachowski siblings and a plump $175 million budget, and who doesn't think this movie is going to make a tidy sum?

Warner Bros.
"... Shit."

Warner Bros., that's who. Originally slated for release this month at the height of blockbuster season, they decided -- a month before the film's release -- to push it back to next February. The stated reason is that the special effects shots are incomplete, but there are also rumors that an early screening of the film didn't go well, prompting the Warners -- who saw nine people and a dog buy tickets to their similarly $175 million sci-fi flick Edge of Tomorrow -- to reschedule it for late next winter, when the stiffest competition they can expect are Valentine's Day ensemble romcoms and seasonal affective disorder.

When he isn't digitally inserting himself into Swayze movies, Chris writes for his website, tweets, and hosts a podcast that the FCC described as "unfortunately out of our jurisdiction."