The selfie -- a picture taken of oneself staring directly into the camera, utterly oblivious to the world around you -- perfectly encapsulates our social-media-drunk society. Unsurprisingly, a trend based entirely on varying degrees of narcissism is occasionally taken way too far, with the results ranging from personally disastrous to just plain old sad.
Two Australian teenage girls were cuffed and placed in the back of a police van after getting caught with a stolen car. The dastardly duo quickly pulled out a phone and commemorated the moment with an obligatory selfie, because they evidently have yet to encounter the phrases "permanent public record" and "job interview."
Proudly showing off their new friendship bracelet.
The girls posted the photo on Facebook with the captions "Hahahaha In The Back Of The Police Van. Beat You" and "Getting Chased On Foot," at which point we assume police drove to their respective houses and tased them both, because there is no statute of limitations on duckface.
Over the summer, a building in the jam-packed city of Manila in the Philippines burst into flames, sending waves of lung-blackening smoke into the sky while firefighters desperately fought to control the blaze. While citizens in the vicinity scrambled about for safety, one woman thought it was the perfect time to pose for a picture. We've all been there before -- how often does shit get totally consumed by fire and we just can't seem to find a camera to save our lives?
"This one is for my unborn grandchildren."
A pregnant Florida high school teacher suddenly began having contractions in the middle of her class. One of her students bravely sprang into action, posing in front of her to take a picture with his cellphone.
That's her on the phone, possibly giving birth.
She was rushed to the hospital and did not actually wind up going into labor, although when she does, we assume the student will pop cartoonishly out of some nearby bush or trash can to grab another selfie.
One noble Vine contributor heroically tried to make a video of himself jumping over a speeding car, which is another way of saying he videotaped himself getting hit by a car. As he rode to the hospital, he made the EMTs stand by so he could finish his Vine, bringing this six-second cautionary tale full circle.
"It's OK, we'll wait."
In the small town of Halmstad, Sweden, two teenage girls robbed a local restaurant with a pair of kitchen knives. Luckily, they posed for a quick selfie in their bandit gear before the heist, which was of immense help to investigators when they looked at the girls' phones after police dogs traced the robbers back to their apartment.
A good rule of thumb for crime is "try to avoid creating incriminating evidence for absolutely no reason."
In another case, CCTV footage captured a robber wearing a gray hoodie and blue elephant pajama pants. Police found a photo of one of the suspects wearing the exact same outfit in a set of selfies on his cellphone, because apparently those are the only pair of pants he owns.
In which case we can understand why he needs the money so badly.
Most recently, a mugger in San Antonio stole a man's wallet and iPhone after tricking the man into thinking he was going to sell him a new one. When the victim bought a new iPhone and downloaded all his old photos from Apple's cloud service, he discovered a series of selfies that the mugger had taken with the stolen phone, which police were able to use to arrest the shit out of him. Evidently his "robbin' gear" was a difficult outfit to pull together and he wanted some photos to reference for future lawbreaking escapades.
San Antonio Police Department
Maybe try pulling the hat down next time.
During the final game of the College World Series, three young women dared Twitter to raise $1,500 to pay for a fine that had yet to be earned, because when the money was raised, the trio jumped over the barriers and created a Vine of themselves as they sprinted across the field like maniacs.
twitter.com/gonedownHILL via New York Daily News
The one on the left looks terrified, as if she is conscious but has no control of her actions.
Security tackled them and they were escorted to jail, but the girls clung mightily to their selfie commitment, producing the single greatest defining image of the current generation:
She's like a crazy automaton, powered by Twitter likes and YouTube illiteracy.
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