6 BS Stories That Went Viral: The KKK Loves Black People

Nope! Those are still alive and well. As the country begins to push and pull over this issue, you best believe sites like Seattle Times, CNN, and The Telegraph need to pace themselves over how many misleading "pot will kill you (maybe)" studies they choose to report. In this case, they're saying that if you're a frequent toker, you might end up looking like Geena Davis' waiting room companion in Beetlejuice.

However, by doing that new crazy thing called "reading," we found out that the study in question was unable to find any definite causality of the changes in chronic pot-smokers' brains, as they tested them only once. For all we know, the real discovery here is that people with smaller brain parts are more likely to abuse drugs ... a theory that is totally backed up by a 2012 study that found that people with a similar brain condition at the age of 12 were more likely to end up getting high on funny plant farts.

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This is your brain on drugs ... maybe ... probably not ... no.

So to say that the study even "suggests" that some wacky toke monster is shriveling brains is either outright scare-tactic bullshit or the result of these reporters skipping basic second-grade reading and comprehension skills.

You know, the same site that recently ran a spread judging female politicians on their outfits and aggressively ran 54 headlines in a year about women who falsely reported rapes. Surely that website would be completely objective about a pro-feminist shirt that was picking up steam for a women's equality and rights charity. A charity which, by the way, commissioned an outside investigation of the T-shirt factories and concluded that nothing remotely sweatshop-like was happening. But we don't even blame The Daily Mail, not any more than we would blame a dog for pooping on a rug. It's the people inexplicably rewarding that dog for its actions that deserve to have their faces stuck in shit.

Nope, that's not The Onion or a transcript of an old Chappelle's Show sketch -- according to Yahoo, IB Times, Metro, and Huffington Post, it looks like the Hispanic, African American, Jewish, and LGBT people of America who find white robes to be flattering are in luck. The KKK is now officially more accepting than some golf clubs, apparently.

But wait, aren't there literally hundreds of Ku Klux Klan factions in the U.S.? Who got them all to agree to this total rebrand? No one, because as only a few of the articles later point out, this sweeping change actually applies only to a single group up in Montana that was just recently created by a reformed KKK member. Someone who has been condemned by his former buddies.

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"It was 50 percent his non-racism, 50 percent his facial hair."

In other words, this is neither the KKK nor a "rebrand" of an existing faction, and all those headlines are complete poop. But hey, it's not like it's dangerous to announce that a potentially violent organization will now welcome you with open arms or anything like that.

Look, we get it. The big ornamental pillars, the stained glass pictures of Jesus -- churches are deeply erotic places. But on your wedding day? That's just tacky. So what, exactly, happened here? Did a big curtain fall down to reveal the TLC star and her groom hammering away over the baptismal pool? Please, Gawker, Latin Post, Cosmo, or Inquisitr, give us the sexy details of this jaw-dropping scand-

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The real scandal here is the name "Jinger."

Wait, so this whole thing comes from a semi-anonymous comment left on a (possibly satirical) blog by someone who claimed to be in the wedding and claimed she was told about the scandal by someone else ... who didn't see it first-hand either? We've lost count of how many layers of shakiness there are to this story, which didn't stop this from making it all the way to freaking Fox News. Alas, you can tell the DVR to skip the wedding episode, people: there's probably not gonna be any boobage there.

Bad news: it's just another bullshit story. Gizmodo, ABC News, USA Today, and CNET all reported on this news with cute introductory paragraphs saying stuff like, "The next time you lose your keys or bomb a test, try blaming it on a virus." In fact, the virus in question has absolutely no impact on intellect in people. If you happen to read the wording of the study itself, you'll find that the algae virus causes a "modest but statistically significant decrease" in "cognitive assessments of visual processing and motor speed" -- or rather that it fucks with your motor skills. If anything, the virus would make you physically clumsier, but it wouldn't make you forget the answer to two plus two or force you to suddenly start liking Carrot Top.

The researchers did see a negative effect on learning and memory formation ... in mice. Not humans.

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"Chairman of the Board is a masterpiece."

Huh, it's almost as if these studies are more complicated than any black-and-white conclusions and the media simply can't compute that possibility. But if you're trying to discover a stupidity virus, you know where to start looking, science.

To paraphrase Discover, Yahoo, Fox, The Daily Beast, Inquisitr, and CBS News: RUN TO SAFETY! Burn books to stay warm! Whatever you do ... don't go outside, lest you be blasted by the giant polar vortex that peaks its menacing head once a year like the specter lovechild of Mr. Freeze and Punxsutawney Phil. In fact, check it out, here they are on a map -- yes, there are two:

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Don't recognize those parts of the U.S.? That's because we haven't annexed Greenland and North Siberia (yet). Yep, that's where the actual polar vortices are right now, and they aren't moving. They are still up there, being all vortex-like in our upper atmosphere, which is where they always are. All the time. Doing vortex things. So they are not descending on us like Galactus.

At some point, all the news sites got together and decided to start using "polar vortex" as a phrase for saying that it's getting really cold ... you know, the way it tends to do around this time of year since the beginning of recorded history. The news likes to use it because it sounds neat and gets clicks -- only, as we just pointed out, a polar vortex is an actual, different thing happening in the world. Of course, this just means that if a polar vortex does come to this side of the world, the news is gonna have to come up with something even more dramatic. Thousand-year ice age, here we come!

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"ALSO BREAKING: HOLY SHIT, THIS GRAVITY THING!"

Hey turkeys, see any bullshit in the news? Tell Dave about it on his Twitter!

And while you're here, you might as well check out Cracked's previous installment of B.S. News Stories That Went Viral.