Every so often, we here at Cracked like to remind you of all the viral stories that filled your Facebook feeds and dominated your Internet chatter, in an effort to show you the other side of the coin that the media "accidentally" forgot to let you see (aka the other side of the coin where Abe Lincoln's beard is made of bullshit).
Earlier this month, you might have come across this gut-wrenching headline that went viral: A high school girl had baked semen-filled cupcakes and fed them to her classmates at school.
Did she Danny Ocean a sperm bank?
According to esteemed publications including Gawker, the Mirror (which at this point we're declaring the Daily Mail's younger, more illiterate brother), and Medical Daily, the high school girl had been bullied so extensively by her peers that it drove her to the point of baking the cupcakes-that'll-make-you-fatter-than-any-other-cupcake-can-in-nine-months.
But that, of course, only applies if you read the headline and nothing else, because as is consistent with every single article reporting this story, a few paragraphs down you'll find that it was all a prank, and the only "semen" police found was actually mayonnaise. It's not that the teen girl hid the discovery of the semen and the pubic hair from the police -- it's that it was a fucking high school prank that for some reason made international headlines.
Having a baby girl soon? Thinking about adopting one and renaming it? Maybe in the mood to kidnap one from the hospital? Whatever you do, make sure you don't name her "Brooklyn," or else she'll wind up as one cog in the perpetual American Brooklyn machine. Why? Because according to various headlines, America has become obsessed with naming their girls "Brooklyn."
Considering we're on the 750th installment of this series, it's not the only epidemic going strong.
It might actually be an interesting phenomenon ... if the headlines weren't totally bullshit. See, all of this Brooklyn outrage spawned from a map constructed by Slate early this month:
"Maybe try reading our whole article next time?"
But as you can clearly see from the title of the chart if you're not a blogger desperately looking to fill your daily quota, the chart specifies that it's only listing "the most popular female baby names starting with B," which is almost the opposite of "EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS NAMING THEIR DAUGHTER BROOKLYN!" Because honestly -- what other options do you have when it comes to B? You name your daughter after the sock puppet that starred in Twilight, a shorter version of Brooklyn, or Brianna, which sounds too much like "banana" to be a good name. According to actual data, "Brooklyn" struggles to break the top 30 when it comes to names.
So no, your kid's kindergarten class won't be filled with 10 Brooklyns.
The news -- which sent three dozen archbishops into cardiac arrest after realizing they had wasted a lifetime of celibacy -- revolved around the fact that a purportedly ancient fragment of papyrus had been found containing the phrase "Jesus said to them, 'My wife ...'" (as if Jesus were some '80s action hero who died right before he could ask them to tell her how much he loved her and not to fuck anyone else). The papyrus, according to the media, had finally been proven to be real, indicating that Jesus had a wife. The report was broken to the news by Dr. Karen King, the resident historian at Harvard Divinity School, finally declaring the papyrus' legitimacy after years of critics condemning it as a fake.
Karen L. King/AP
"Doctor, King, and Harvard. That's like three levels of legitimacy."
Except it totally was fake. It turned out that King's insight had come from an anonymous source, and after further testing, scientists found that the entire fragment had been copied from a 1924 publication, and it wasn't even written in the right ancient dialect. But because King and the media were ecstatic to report that Jesus was actually a married man who just didn't take his wife with him anywhere, they ran with the anonymous source. Because, you know, shit.
Do you often get complaints that your load isn't, well, loaded enough, and might be a bit too diaphanous for your wild vixen's tastes? Other than sulking away in shame, just remind your significant other that at least you don't have GIANT sperm, which is totally a thing that scientists recently discovered, according to several major publications, including the 15 million strong I Fucking Love Science page:
"I'm mildly indifferent toward actual news."
That's right -- as reported by the Washington Post, CBC, the Los Angeles Times, the Verge, and several others, scientists have stumbled upon the insane discovery of 17 million-year-old giant sperm, emphasis on the word "giant."
"Scientific community declares bats to be totally down for butt stuff."
So how giant is this giant vat of sperm? Roughly 1.3 mm long. See, when they said "giant," they meant it on a technicality, because it was "giant" when compared to the tiny ancient shrimp that it came from. What they really discovered was a tiny ancient shrimp that had sperm so big that it would drown another shrimp in a mishmash of crustacean bukkake hentai. So no, there was nothing giant about this, unless the media think we're all the size of an ant.
A few days ago, you might have seen this map in your news feed:
And again 12 weeks from now when your aunt finds out about it.
Reblogged by various geek sites like Discovery, Chron, io9, and Uproxx (and of course the Daily Mail), with headlines calling the map "embarrassing" and "weird" and "surprising," the map shocked more than a few people, because if someone makes a map on the Internet with interesting data, it has to be true, right?
Right, except this isn't true in the way all the sites are trying to make you think it is. While the wildfire of this map spread in the tone of "Look at the crazy shit YOUR state is busy Googling!" the truth is that it's more along the lines of "Look at these funny search terms we thought of for each state." Because what Estately (the real estate website, not a map-making website) really did was go on Google Trends, think up several stupid search terms, and then find one for each state. Nothing in their data shows that the search terms listed on their map are actually popular searches in its state overall, simply that it's more popular there than every other state, meaning any state could be made to look like it was filled with weirdos. Type "clown sex" into Google Trends and you get Michigan; "goat porn" gets Illinois. But neither stat means that Michigan is filled with clown-fueled boners or that Illinois has a fetish for horned billies. It just means they have one more local clown-goat fetishist than everyone else, which isn't hard when there's only one person in the running.
John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"It's all I have left since they banned me from the circus' petting zoo."
For those who follow the various Hollywood gossip outlets, you might have heard one of the latest rumors surrounding the upcoming Interstellar movie: Lead Matthew McConaughey can't fucking stand his co-star Anne Hathaway, despite the way their last names both roll off the tongue the same way.
Paramount Pictures/Warner Bros.
He was already irritable due to a role calling for him to be fully clothed for upward of three hours at a time.
According to Showbiz Spy, Hollywood Take, and Uproxx, McConaughey reportedly grew sick of Hathaway's pseudo-form of method acting, where she would constantly ask director Christopher Nolan scientific questions regarding space travel and life on other planets to help give her the scientist feel of her character. McConaughey dubbed Anne the "nerd girl" and "Little Alien Annie" and tagged his body double in whenever necessary so that he could spend as little time as possible with one of the hottest women in Hollywood ...
... right. And the source for all this? A fuzzy picture of an uncited article that originally wound up on the Internet after being uploaded by a no-name Tumblr blog called Themorallycorruptfayeresnick:
What was that thing called "journalism" again?
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.