5 Video Game News Stories Nobody Noticed Were BS

5

A Woman Didn't Kill Three People for the New Xbox

Break.com, one of the leading paragons of investigative journalism, used its official Twitter account to spread a sensational story about a woman stabbing three people to death with a screwdriver to secure the last Xbox One in a Chicago Walmart:

Twitter
"And her name was Sarah Connor. For reals."

4

The Fallout 4 Teaser Site Was Registered at GoDaddy (and Was Totally Fake)

In November, fans of the post-apocalyptic game series Fallout began squeeing with delight over a website supposedly teasing the latest entry in the series, imaginatively titled Fallout 4: Survivor 2299. The website contained a bunch of cryptographic messages and bits of Morse code, which were all deciphered as vague references to Fallout 3 by people with a haunting abundance of time and enthusiasm. There was also a timer on the front page, counting down to the date of Spike's annual "bored celebrities talk about video games" awards show, so many assumed a new trailer or some other type of official announcement would debut on the program.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"Do kids still play Pac-Man? Never mind, I don't give a damn about any of this. Thank you."

3

Xbox Isn't Banning People for Swearing on Skype

Among the list of ancillary features the Xbox One offers that your current computer already does perfectly well is the ability to use Skype, because we have to use that fucking camera for something or else people will begin to wonder why they're being forced to pay for it. And according to recent news reports, Microsoft is banning Xbox One users for swearing in their Skype conversations, because apparently they only want people to use the Xbox for swearing if they are playing Call of Duty.

Activision
"They came for the teenage racists, and I didn't speak up ..."

2

Disgruntled Factory Employees Did Not Sabotage the PS4

Speaking of the PS4, a recent viral news story claimed that the thousands of faulty new systems were the work of disgruntled employees who had deliberately sabotaged as many units as they could to protest the harsh working conditions of the manufacturing facilities. The "blue light of death" is no mere manufacturing defect, but a calculated plan by bitter madmen.

Michael Buckner/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"We also took out 50% of the Wii U's out there. Dozens were at our mercy."

1

The New Xbox Can't See You Naked

Reports are swirling around the Internet that claim the camera on the new Xbox is so sensitive that it can actually see through your clothing. Naturally, after the initial harrowing discovery was made, the news that people may have paid $500 for a voyeuristic robot spread like wildfire, because no one wants to think they accidentally purchased Billy Baldwin's character from Sliver in tiny plastic-boxed form.

John M. Heller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"Honestly, for $500 you could just buy the real me."

The problem is actually twofold -- first, every single source claimed that video was created by a guy named Mark Wilson, who noticed that he was swinging some serious pole when he went to upload the video later. Well, here's the original video, which is an official tech demo made by Microsoft that, as you may notice, contains not a single human being named Mark Wilson. Second, as you watch the video, it becomes immediately clear that the "dong" in question is just a fold in the guy's jeans. But the rumor spread so quickly that Microsoft actually had to step in and tell everyone what incredible jackasses they were being. Because, let's be honest, if Microsoft really wanted to see your dick, all they have to do is make an Xbox with a built-in camera that is constantly running.

Evan V. Symon is a moderator at the Cracked Workshop. He can be found on Facebook, and be sure to bookshelf and vote for his new book The End of the Line.