5 Upcoming Celebrity Biopics That Look Completely Insane

5

Michael Bay Is Doing a Movie About Benghazi

Quick recap: on Sept. 11, 2012, a group of Islamic militants attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, killing four Americans stationed there. Since then, there has been controversy surrounding the government's handling of the aftermath, whether or not the Obama administration could have done more to prevent it, and, naturally, a whole slew of nuttier-than-squirrel-shit conspiracy theories.

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"Benghazi ... Ben ... Uncle Ben ... the White House controls us with rice!"

In spite of whatever Reddit threads or your drunk uncle say about secret backdoor gun dealing, there are legitimate discussions to be had about the incident, and it may be years before we know what did and should have happened. Or you could just watch Michael Bay's next movie.

4

An AC/DC Cover Band Is Making an AC/DC Biopic (Despite AC/DC Begging Them to Stop)

AC/DC's storied history is a mixed bag of terrible hardship and remarkable luck. In 1980, tragedy struck the band when lead singer Bon Scott died after a night of partying. That same year, the band was blessed with finding replacement singer Brian Johnson. What are the odds of two people on Earth being able to sing like that while rocking your mom's '80s perm?

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Back in Fab

3

Nick Cannon Is Making a Richard Pryor Movie Out of Spite

Richard Pryor is best known for being one of the greatest and most influential stand-up comics of all time; Nick Cannon is best known for marrying Mariah Carey and as the guy who introduces magicians and dog acts on America's Got Talent. With such striking similarities between them, Cannon naturally thinks he should play Pryor in an upcoming movie.

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Yeah, we made the same face.

There are those who disagree, however, such as the upcoming film's director, Lee Daniels, and producer-demigoddess, Oprah Winfrey, who instead went with comedian Mike Epps (who is not to be confused with Omar Epps, who is not to be confused with Mike Tomlin). Mike Epps' filmography is not much more impressive, sporting a pair of Friday sequels and the role of Black Doug in a couple Hangover movies, but the filmmakers have spoken.

2

O.J. Simpson Is Being Played by Cuba Gooding Jr.

O.J. Simpson was a hall-of-fame football player, a successful film actor, and even had a TV pilot in the works starring him as a Navy SEAL, and he could have kept it all if only he would have kicked his habit of murdering people. That is, if he did it, of course. But now we're left with one of the most bizarre court cases in history, replete with a cast of wacky characters and memorable quotes about glove sizes.

Actual court footage.

1

Someone's Making a Romantic Drama About the Obamas

It seems only natural that the first black president of the United States would have a movie made about him. It's a little less obvious that that movie would be released before Obama actually left office. It's downright bizarre that the movie would not be about Obama's life, rise through politics, or election to the presidency but, rather, about his first date with his wife.

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"OBAMAS GO ON DATE MERE TWO DECADES BEFORE BENGHAZI" -Fox News

If you didn't know, because why the hell would you, here's the story: the Obamas met while working together at a law firm in Chicago, and their first date that someone has decided to stretch into a whole goddamn movie consisted of visiting the Art Institute of Chicago (which hopefully involved them gawking at paintings at an ever-increasing scale), taking a long walk, seeing Do the Right Thing, getting ice cream, and then kissing on a street corner. All in all, a cute first date that might take up five or six minutes in a normal movie (or two minutes if you're Ted Mosby) -- so is it really worth making a whole feature film about?

Evidently, though, the filmmakers aren't the only ones with the weirdo, borderline fanfic obsession with the Obamas' personal life; a nearby shopping mall actually commissioned a 1.5 ton granite monument commemorating their first kiss, because that's not off-putting and kind of creepy at all.

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Rumors that a nearby Hilton is bronzing the sheets the Obamas first had sex on have been neither confirmed nor denied.

When he's not writing Benghazi-Obama erotica, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

Be sure to also check out 12 People of Today as Remembered in Future Biopics.