Thankfully, Your Marriage Proposal Pal is right there on your phone to help you create the perfect proposal. All you have to do is enter in some basic details about your partner and the app will do the rest. And truly, there is no more personal way to express your undying love to your prospective mate than condensing their personality into a brief questionnaire for a soulless algorithm to categorically determine how to optimize their reaction. Otherwise you'd have to put some serious thought into it, and nobody wants to overthink a lifelong commitment.
"SIX questions!?! Fuck this, I'll just Jumbotron it."
Find an Emotionally Vulnerable New Hookup With a Rebound App
OK, so the proposal didn't work, or you got divorced or annulled or whatever (pick one). No need to sit around trying to figure out what went wrong, or what changes you may need to consider making as a person -- On the Rebound will ensure that you get right back up on that dating horse with a partner who is in a way more exploitable place than you are.
You just chum any one of your Facebook friends through the app, which will sort through their relationship history and emotional well-being based on the content of their posts and come back with a complete report on whether or not you should try to have sex with them.
That is a literal Stalk-O-Meter.
On the Rebound's creators have heroically shot down allegations of sexism by insisting that their app is equally derogatory to both genders, and we admire their progressive outlook, as everyone has the right to inflict terrible psychological harm on each other at the behest of an unfeeling piece of software. And hey, if all those innocent bystanders you call your friends are too well-adjusted for your wild-eyed bullshit, you can always start the cycle of Skynet-approved courtship anew with another Crazy Blind Date. Amour!