5 Reasons No One Will Use Google Glass (Explained By Google)

See, the beauty of Glass is that instead of having to pull out your cellphone while performing heart surgery so you can text your brother what a ribcage looks like, now you don't have to use your hands -- because that's totally safer. What's interesting is how many moments they show us where the person's life is literally on the line and he or she is recording video or sending a message -- it's kind of like they want us all to die.

Comes with a charger, an instruction pamphlet, and a vial of anaconda hormones.

How fun is that? The best part is, since it's all controlled by voice command, people will have to do this shit for everything! See, there's a reason that most iPhone customers use Siri only for texting and making calls: It's really annoying for anything else. But thanks to Google Glass, we'll now get to buy produce with some newsie-hat motherfucker blocking the baby carrots while screaming "Gogol Bordello tickets!" over and over at the top of his lungs while staring at nothing in particular.

This doesn't actually seem lost on the makers of Glass, whose video features a man eating Thai food in the middle of a boat asking between noodley smacks of his fat tongue how to speak in another language. What they don't show you is his girlfriend sitting behind him rehearsing her breakup speech.

"How do I say 'My retarded space glasses cost more than your whole boat'?"

This is the picture feature, shown only once in the video. A little girl blows a bubble, and her kidnapper says, "OK, Glass, take a picture." A moment later, the picture is taken right before the bubble pops. The entire ordeal takes five seconds, which is about 4.5 seconds longer than it takes to just press a damn button. What if she accidentally coughed or the girl ran off in that time? The bubble literally pops right after the picture is snapped, almost intentionally showing us the brief window of time we'll have to shout commands at our own face.

Aside from that, the video shows us that we'll probably still be late to the airport and still need directions, two things that a smartphone can help us with just fine -- even if we're on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Yes, please God, sharp turn right.

Is that the Golden Gate Bridge? We're assuming so, despite the fact that the voice in the video calls it "this bridge" and all the focus is on the graphic and not the scenery. That actually brings us to the most noticeable part of this video ...

These quiet moments juxtaposed over the product remind us of how intrusive it is when they do show it, like while playing with your kid or at Nana's birthday party.

"Without video, I'd have no memory of these events whatsoever."

Or perhaps enjoying the amazing human achievement that is skydiving.

But instead you'd rather watch someone else watch you skydive, which totally doesn't make you insane at all. Finally, the entire video comes to its closing argument as a lady watches a horde of hot air balloons fill the sky -- something she'll no doubt never see again in her lifetime.

It would be a lot better if you weren't in my fucking face.

Yeah ... looks like someone wants to be like their big bro. Look, Google -- we know you want to seem hip and innovative, but doing that actually requires you to be innovative. Putting small black text on giant white things doesn't make you a leader in smartphone design any more than making everything dark blue makes your superhero movie gritty and successful. There's more to it than that. But if you want to play this game, go right ahead. Let's see your Web page.

Google Glass

Google Glass

Yeah, we thought so. Are you trying to confuse Apple geeks into buying this, or did your marketing guys seriously hit this out of the park for you?

Anyway, thanks for the heads up, Google. Once again, no one is saying that this is going to flop except for you ... but if it does end up like Virtual Boy, we totally called it.