5 Reasons Nicolas Cage's New Film Will Be Crazier Than Usual

5

The Writers Are the Equivalent of Pat Robertson on Steroids

Before we even get into the madness of the Left Behind series, let's start with the engine that got it going, Reverend Tim LaHaye. This guy isn't just some hack fantasy writer coming out of nowhere; he's a CRAZY hack fantasy writer coming out of CRAZYTOWN. In the 1970s, the reverend and his wife wrote a whole book about how sex works, complete with worksheets to track your Kegel exercises.

Zondervan Books
Unfortunately, reading this book is the third leading cause of vaginismus.

4

The Writers Don't Understand How Humans Deal With Tragedy

The Left Behind series starts with the Rapture, an event where God steals all the good Christians and snatches them up to heaven while everyone else is left to deal with the Apocalypse. It might be worth pointing out here that the Rapture isn't mentioned in the Bible and didn't exist as a theological concept until the 16th century. But whatever, dudes.

3

The Characters and Plot Lines Are Like Something Out of a Superhero Story

When you have characters named things like Rayford Steele and Buck Williams, you're making one of two kinds of film: a porno or a superhero flick. Apparently Left Behind was aiming for the latter. You see, after the Rapture, that's when the action starts. Rayford (Nicolas Cage) and Buck (Chad Michael Murray) get all the Christians they can muster and form the Tribulation Force (which even gets its own superhero headquarters), essentially a terrorist group that's meant to fight against the Antichrist and his Global Community army. Yes, the biggest threat to the world is a bunch of different countries getting along for the first time in history.

Let's talk about that Antichrist, too. Nicolae Carpathia, the former Romanian president, takes over the U.N. and organizes a worldwide army that combines all the religions into one universal faith and then does dastardly evil stuff solely because the devil himself lives inside of him. So basically Big Brother meets Diablo. Otherwise, he's apparently a relatively normal guy.

Tyndale House Publishers
But he is foreign and badly proportioned, in fairness.

2

It's Violent as All Hell

Look, man -- all that peace and pacifism stuff that Jesus talked about? That shit goes out the window at the end of days. It's Mad Max time, man, and that means indiscriminate killing of, uh, pretty much everyone, believer or non. The books have about as many main character deaths as Game of Thrones, and they certainly don't mind killing the Antichrist's lackeys.

Tyndale House Publishers
"Dammit, Marty! I warned you what could happen if you let old Biff give young Biff a future Bible."

The Antichrist himself nukes dozens of cities, the main characters are pretty much unconcerned about innocent bystanders (besides, if they're really innocent, they're going to heaven, right?), and Jesus ... well, Jesus apparently don't give a fuck. He's able to rend the Antichrist's armies asunder with his voice, indiscriminately killing millions of people.

1

There Are 16 of These Books, and They Only Get Sillier

Yeah, Left Behind is just the first book. There are 12 sequels and three prequels, and that's not even including the Left Behind: The Kids books. And, as a bonus, they get even weirder and more obtuse as the series goes on. Take Apollyon, for example, where the climactic battle is against an army of tiny insect/horse/humanoid locusts who continuously shout "Apollyon!" Any army that can be destroyed with a can of Raid isn't much of a threat.

Tyndale House Publishers
"Upon opening the 35th seal did they appear, to bring ruin to humanity's picnics and ice cream socials."

But perhaps the strangest part is the end of the series, where the big guy himself, ol' J.C., finally makes an appearance. So how do you characterize Jesus? If you're Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, you make him a one-dimensional Bible verse quote machine (who blows things up with his voice, as we already pointed out). In Glorious Appearing and Kingdom Come, Jesus speaks in quotes he's already said in the Bible, making him some sort of weird amnesiac. He's like a Terminator that has only a few preprogrammed sayings built in.

Touchstone Pictures
Now this is who you should have saved Cage for.

For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and his first book, The Book of Word Records, available everywhere from Adams Media!