As the new Michael-Bay-produced TMNT film wafts across the nation, aging nerds everywhere have already lit funeral pyres for their childhoods at the sight of an auburn-haired April O'Neil adventuring alongside wisecracking reptile fetuses. Clearly, this movie encroaches upon the sanctity of the 1980s series and its many cherished storylines, such as the time Raphael left his girlfriend for dead in the middle of the ocean, or that episode where the Turtles eye-banged the shit out of April and stalked her at a party.
Okay, maybe the '80s cartoon was a little touched. At least we still have the comic books to nostalgically contain our innocence, right?
"Uh, no one hand him any coins."
Oh, right. Those were fucking terrifying too. In fact, pretty much everything about Ninja Turtles should be enough to make a grown man weep softly -- which is no doubt why the biggest offenders have to be the fans themselves who, as it turns out, have spent the past 30+ years creating an absolutely terrifying expanded Turtle universe. Behold:
Upon watching the trailer for the new film, it becomes ludicrously evident why a story about a giant rat leading mutant reptiles on a blood feud doesn't translate well into ultra-real CGI live action. The harsh light of reality does not suit our turtle heroes very well, something that fans discovered a while ago ...
Christ on a bike, look at those demon mugs. Suddenly it makes sense why Splinter is less-than-pleased about sending these unholy brothers into the public eye. Then again, this is child's play when you realize what the other side of the coin looks like ...
If you truly wanted realism, you should have drawn Shredder selling Rocksteady to poachers to make penile medication.
Now if you're anything like us, your brain is currently hemorrhaging in a last ditch attempt to shut out any recognition of what it is being forced to process: that those four images are of each Ninja Turtle crippled in sadness at the loss of their fellow brothers. In case there's any confusion, artist Joao Pires titled each one "Goodbye ... My Brothers ..." so as to save you from any shred of hope left in your body.
Man, we feel like shit. Luckily, sex exists ...
(You've seen how horrifying the Ninja Turtles would be in real life. Now watch Cracked's new Antiheroes series to learn how awful reading minds would really be.)
While Rapoza and Pires may have locked down the "everyone you ever loved is going to die" angle for Ninja Turtles art, one deviantART regular managed to give us that same guttural dread through a series of lounging positions and implied turtle dicks.
Along with bulging tail action, this particular series dared to explore the yet-to-be societal norm that all mutant turtles should wear pants ... while totally giving the go-ahead for Bane bomber jackets instead.
"And what if I just forced you to wear pants?"
"It would be quite painful ... for me. You see what I'm packing?"
If you're wondering why anyone would find Donatello posing like a Calvin Klein model appealing, then congratulations on finally getting around to setting up your Internet connection! Now enjoy your threesome with Leonardo and Raphael.
"Vomiting. Is vomiting an option?"
We obviously could've filled this entire list with clickbaity yellow spandex fetish art of April O'Neil and called it a day. Instead, here's this, because we're in this life together:
There was a caption here, but she ate it.
Fat April here is inexplicably the work of at least seven different artists all sharing the same tubby fetish hive-mind fantasy of everyone's favorite intrepid reporter succumbing to constant pizza exposure, while the Turtles look on with shining glee for some reason.
"You're next, Irma."
Not to mention the near-constant detail that, in her tubby metamorphosis, April somehow managed to keep the same size outfit as if she's Violet suddenly swelling up to blueberry proportions.
Three people are killed when that belt snaps.
The Ninja Turtles have officially crossed over with both Ghostbusters and The X-Files in the past, so it's hard to imagine how the fanfiction world is going to top that. Actually, it's not hard at all! Here's Sally Acorn from Sonic The Hedgehog with Krang living inside of her, as well as Donatello getting his bone on with Jasmine from Aladdin:
"Best summer ever."
We're not exactly sure what's so funny to everyone in either of these panels, but we're guessing it has something to do with the Predator's ability to go wafer thin and weave his head through metal bars.
Alright, deep breath everyone. The good news is that we're almost done! And the bad news? We saved the incest Turtle makeout party for the grandstanding finale!
Remember how Leo and Raphael are constantly at each other throats in the series? Well, according to one Turtle art enthusiast, it's not just the throat area that they are exclusively looking to get all up on ...
Really go ahead and soak that in, every line and curve, because it's not like you're going to ever forget what it looks like anyway. The narrative goes so far as to give us the other brothers' reaction to this newfound affair ...
Before moving the party to the bedroom ...
And your childhood into the toilet.
But wait! Is that Donatello's headband resting on the bedknob with Leos? Well, no wonder Raphael is so grouchy. At least Krang and Shredder seem to know that raw passion isn't anything without tender commitment.
Anyway, we're sorry about that. About all of this. Honestly. But at least you can go into the theaters this weekend knowing that you're witnessing only the second-most-disturbing portrayal of the Ninja Turtles out there.
David is an editor at Cracked with his own desk and everything. Talk Ninja Turtle sex with him on Twitter.