5 Ways Terrible Human Beings Are Profiting From Ebola

Nope, that's not a joke -- you can buy a mask featuring a classy image of Cam'ron in what appears to be the bunny suit from A Christmas Story right now, for just $19.99. Wear it the next time someone with Ebola comes to visit and you'll ... be exactly as protected from the virus as you'd be without the mask, since (once again) Ebola isn't airborne. And just in case you still think this could be an elaborate prank, here's how the wordsmith himself explained it:

twitter.com/Mr_Camron
"Free to anyone who bought Crime Pays. Sorry."

Maybe the logic here is that wearing a mask with Cam'ron on it makes you immediately repulsive to all living things, healthy or sick. In that case, this genius invention actually makes you impervious to all diseases. Shit, we can see now why, according to him, he sold 3,000 of these masks in four days. Nothing depressing about that, nope.

That's just one of the many ways Internet scammers are actively trying to screw anyone who wants to donate to the cause of kicking Ebola's butt. If you were wondering where your Nigerian prince pen pal has gone lately, don't worry: he didn't disappear, he just switched jobs to "head of a fake charity organization" -- like the Ebola Global Aid Centre, which asks you to send money to "safe this affected West Africa countries from extinct" because "Ebola phobia is the beginning of wisdom in West Africa." Yeah, we have no idea how these people have been spending all the money they've conned out of people over the years, but it probably isn't on English lessons.

Other scammers aim even higher and claim to be the World Health Organization itself, personally begging you to save a dodgy file on your computer in order to find out how to avoid catching a virus. Unless the file is actually a text document saying "Don't save dodgy files on your computer," that's probably not true.

huffingtonpost.com
This is clearly fake, everyone knows the WHO's email-signature picture is a unicorn with a Jesus quote.

The article starts off by admitting that making money from Ebola sounds like "vulture mentality," and then goes ahead and tells you how to do it anyway, because the "I'm not racist, but ..." strategy never failed anyone. Of the five companies the article names, the hazmat suits one did quadruple the price of its shares after Texas had its first confirmed Ebola case, with 247WallSt.com promising investors: "As fears of Ebola continue to ramp up, hazmat suits will continue to be in demand."

But those stocks quickly fell again as the full-on apocalypse failed to unleash itself. Aww. There's always global warming, you guys.

The medicaments included: fake Ebola testing kits, out-of-date hand sanitizer, and a plant called Ewedu, which sounds like what we say when we puke in the middle of a sit-up.

And while some were making up Ebola cures for money, others were apparently doing it just for kicks: the World Health Organization reported that at least two people in Nigeria died from drinking salt water, because they heard it prevented the virus. These rumors can spread through social media, and the WHO has had to take to Twitter to fight them:

twitter.com/WHO
"No, eating Dustin Hoffman to gain his power doesn't help."

Even when the "cures" aren't dangerous by themselves, they carry the additional problem of making people feel invincible in areas where they sure as hell aren't. So, yeah, that's how desperate folks are to make money from Ebola: they won't just steal money from others, they'll also actively risk people's lives. If there's any consolation to all this, it's that at least we're not at the point where people are trafficking and shooting-up survivors' blood ...

As you probably know, with most viral infections, if you survive your blood will contain antibodies to fight that particular strain of the virus. Now, take that knowledge, strain it through a fine mesh of poop-coated evil, and what do you get? Survivors' blood is being sold on the black market in West Africa.

Timothey Kosachev/iStock/Getty Images
And you thought getting the straw in a Capri Sun was a pain in the ass.

Yep, the same channel that supplies your cocaine supplements and your ivory back-scratchers is peddling some poor folks' blood as a cure to an increasingly panicky people. Aside from the horrible implications of where they're getting it, antibody treatment is a helluva lot more complicated than just shooting-up blood like some sort of hobo-vampire. As well as not being a miracle cure, it also comes with the problem of potentially dishing out diseases like HIV and hepatitis to the ignorant buyers. It's like someone trying to cure your acne by rubbing your face with a handful of black mambas.

Instagram
Or worse.

John can be found on Twitter. You can read more from him at Absrd Comedy.

Again, please read 5 Reasons America Can Calm the F#@% Down About Ebola. And for further cockamamie-ness, see our infinity-part series on B.S. News Stories That Went Viral.