Kathy Benjamin
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Usually when we worry about kids getting pushed into adulthood, we're talking about the obvious stuff like too much sex on TV and the fact that children are literally starting puberty earlier than ever holy shit you guys.
But in the following, recent tales of woe, it was dumbass adults themselves who inflicted the horrors of grownupdom on kids, thus proving yet again, for the millionth time, that adults are the worst.
If reruns of Law & Order have taught us anything, it's that you do not miss a court date. If you get a summons to appear before a judge, your ass better show up or Detective Stabler will be out looking to kick said ass within minutes.
And nowhere is this truer that the town of Post Falls, Idaho, population 30,000. It's unsurprising you have never heard of that town before, considering they apparently have no murders or rapes or robberies to deal with. The town's roaring population also explains why a 9-year-old child was arrested for stealing a pack of gum and, somehow, a warrant for his arrest was put out when he failed to appear in court.
Bjorn-Robert Schmechel/iStock/Getty Images
"I've got fruit stripes upon my shoulders."
Police officers, who obviously had nothing better to do, actually tracked down and arrested the boy again. Once locals started pointing out that this was maybe not the best use of police time and also absolutely insane, the county prosecutor issued a statement that the warrant was a "mistake" that he would try to "avoid" in the future and went back to indicting lawn gnomes for loitering or whatever the hell happens in towns of 30,000.
Kids love police. Like firefighters and soldiers, they wear cool outfits and their vehicles make noises and have flashing lights, so it must have been a dream come true for one little English girl when she won a coloring contest and got to meet members of her local police service. That is until an "accidental discharge" of a gun caused her to receive a "minor injury to her lip."
If you translate that from "British" to "Reality," what you get is a cop accidentally shot a 7-year-old-child in the face.
Katy McDonnell/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Suddenly, being really good at coloring doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Police Commissioner Paddy Tipping (no, seriously) said, though they first believed a ricocheting bullet caused the injury, it was more likely a spent cartridge that injured the girl as the gun fired. He also admitted that there shouldn't have been loaded weapons in the room with a bunch of kids, an opinion that would get him labeled a softy in half of the United States.
But the Welsh are not about to stand by and be outdone by their English cousins. While visiting a kindergarten class, police officers in Wales managed to mix up the fake pepper spray used for demonstration and the real pepper spray used on dangerous criminals, resulting in them macing eight 4-year-olds right in the eyes.
Andre Nantel/Hemera/Getty Images
"In our defense, it could have been worse."
Of course, parents were immediately informed, which had to be some of the most awkward conversations ever. A police spokesman also promised that they would stop doing the fake-pepper spray demonstrations because WHY WERE THEY DOING THEM ON KINDERGARTNERS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
The Mansfield and Ashfield Chad
This kind of crap wouldn't happen on Paddy Tipping's watch.
The Latin American celebration of the Day of the Kings occurs on Jan. 6 and honors the arrival of the Three Kings to Jesus' bitchin' manger. One of the traditions of the holiday in some countries is a sweet bread called rosca de reyes. What it does not normally involve is lacing said bread with narcotics and feeding it to unsuspecting children.
Cholula's Bakery and Restaurant
The photo is blurry because the person taking it is totally high.
But that is exactly what happened at Cholula's Bakery in California. Through means that are still not yet clear, a synthetic drug got mixed in to the batch and was eventually eaten by dozens of people, including a 4-year-old boy. In case you were wondering just how bad a trip caused by bread could be, people reported heart palpitations, dizziness, numbness, and, yes, even hallucinations.
Of course, considering 4-year-olds have imaginary friends and think the floor is made of lava, it probably wasn't that different from a normal day for him.
We're sure you have had a few awkward moments at Christmas. When all the family gets together, someone is going to say something racist or homophobic and other people are going to have to pretend to ignore it. But we're willing to bet you haven't had a holiday as embarrassing as the mother whose future mother-in-law asked her why her young daughter was walking around with a sex toy.
twitter.com/SaladinAhmed
Yup, that is a dildo.
It turns out, despite its obvious phallic appearance, the toy was not so much about sex and more to do with Play-Doh. That thing somehow made its way through who knows how many people in the company before being approved, and NO ONE SAID ANYTHING, but quite a few parents noticed its inappropriate shape immediately.
Hasbro has promised to replace it with a less obviously dong-shaped version in the near future. Although, to be fair, the penis syringe was supposed to be used only by children to eject "frosting" onto ... you know what? The more we talk about it, the worse it gets, so let's just stop there.
twitter.com/FlysonBeckford
Free toy inside every Happy Ending Meal.
Restaurants are frantic places. During peak hours, it can be hard for the waitstaff to get everything right all the time. But one thing you hope they would concentrate pretty hard on would be making sure that children 13 years below the drinking age aren't served drinks with three different types of alcohol in them.
And yet that is what happened to six children -- ages 2 to 8 -- at a Joe's Crab Shack in Colorado Springs. In the waiter's defense, the children's menu non-alcoholic version of the drink they ordered is called a Shark Nibble, while the all-the-alcohol-in-the-world adult drink is called a Shark Bite. If that isn't confusing enough, both of them come with a toy shark, because similar things entertain bored children and super drunk 20-somethings.
David McCabe, Susan's Disney Family
And after 10 or 12 rounds, both require sippy cups.
Once their waiter realized the mistake half an hour later and alerted the group, the damage had been done. The family was obviously concerned, especially since a 2-year-old girl (who we predict is going to be A LOT of fun in college) had finished her entire cocktail in less than 30 minutes.
Darko Danicic/iStock/Getty Images
"One more time! Dora Dora Dora the Explorer! Boots, that super cool exploradora!"
Paramedics were called, but everyone was fine. After firing the waiter responsible (getting babies drunk isn't exactly a "written warning" kind of mistake), Crab Shack management promised changes to make sure it never happened again. Here's a tip: take the toy sharks away from the adults and make them play with their phones like normal people.
Kathy wrote a very funny book, and you can buy it here and here. Or follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
While we're on the topic, also check out The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys and 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children.
Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.
