5 New Movies That Are Getting Remade as Straight-to-DVD Crap

We'd describe the plot, but -- just like the actors and production staff -- you probably don't give two sun-baked fury shits. Judging solely by the amazing artwork on the poster, Furious Road is about a man with a robot hand driving into the center of a tornado to do battle with what appears to be Batman.

The movie's hideous trailer doesn't do much to clear things up, as it is just 58 seconds of clips from the same two unspeakably lame fight sequences that look like they were choreographed by a sleepwalking bus driver. It's like a bunch of kids got lost on their way to paintball and decided they might as well film a movie while they wait for their parents to come pick them up.

Tom Cat Films
But the trailer wisely devotes six seconds to top-quality Word Art.

There's tense barnyard firefights ...

The Asylum
Don't laugh. There are lambs in that barn.

... dough-faced Nazis ...

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One has a pocket watch, so you know he's evil.

... high-octane dogfights between hilariously cartoonish airplanes ...

The Asylum
Lovingly captured from the in-house PlayStation 2.

... and so many explosions that we assume they just set up an infrared camera and videotaped Michael Bay masturbating in a broom closet for two hours:

The Asylum
... aka Bay's "boom boom room."

Also, just in case you think fighting Nazis isn't hardcore enough, they're also tasked with rescuing an orphanage, because the writers were apparently just playing a game of "Villainous Plot Bingo" when they settled on the obstacles their heroes would face. Presumably, an earlier draft had them rescuing orphans from a well ruled by Dinosaur Satan, before being told to scale back the stakes just a bit to maintain a believable level of excitement.

The events of the film kick off after Rumpelstiltskin -- this film's version of Loki, identified by the fact that they both have weirdly angular faces -- escapes into the real world, accidentally bringing Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Rapunzel along for the ride. For reasons that cannot be explained, everyone has super powers and must now wage a battle against Rumpelstiltskin, who, as you may recall, is traditionally a shriveled-up goblin man with the ability to weave thread into gold. Also, Lou Ferrigno is in it, which makes us genuinely concerned for Lou Ferrigno. Unless it was filmed at his house or something.

For all the obvious ridiculousness and shameless brand co-opting, the movie does have one positive, in that it is the first modern-day superhero film with an all-female cast. We just wish it hadn't come from the guys behind Snakes on a Train and War of the Worlds 2, and that tricking people who didn't read the DVD cover as carefully as they should have wasn't such a huge part of its marketing plan.

Furthermore, if you answered yes, you're in luck -- Jurassic City, a pulse-pounding thrill ride about the unforeseeable dangers of releasing bloodthirsty dinosaurs into a major population center for absolutely no reason, will soon be appearing in ironic Netflix queues and drugstore bargain bins everywhere.

Velvet Hammer Films
Featuring a tagline that's an insult to both science and grammar.

Featuring the aforementioned Bennett and one of Clarence Boddicker from RoboCop's henchmen, Jurassic City sees thousands of Velociraptors unleashed on the city of Los Angeles, and they proceed to wreak a predicable amount of havoc. According to the film's overly excited official plot description, Jurassic City also features "smoking hot sorority girls, sinister scientists, muscle-bound military, and doomed death-row inmates," because this movie was made by a bunch of fucking lunatics.

Bound stars the aforementioned Charisma Carpenter and Daniel goddamned Baldwin, who has spent the past 10 years competing with his brother Alec for the title of "fattest Baldwin." Although, sadly, Daniel Baldwin isn't the one having hate sex, though we are sure he is somewhere having hate sex at this very moment. If that star-studded lineup doesn't sound like the gateway to an evening of unparalleled eroticism, you need to get your head examined, because you don't know what you're missing. Bound has all the hardcore BDSM action your never-experienced-actual-BDSM-in-your-entire-life self is craving.

Blindfolds? Check.

The Asylum
Though it's less "kinky" and more "trying to sleep on an airplane."

Smutty pleasure dungeons with convenient mini-fridges? Check.

The Asylum
"No Coke, just Pepsi? You sadist!

Daniel Baldwin? Check fucking plus.

The Asylum
The amount of Daniel Baldwin in this film cannot be overstated.

Wow! No need to shell out 15 bucks to watch Don Johnson's daughter get trapped in a cycle of terrifying abuse!

While you're here, also check out 4 Signs 'Jurassic World' Is Supposed to Be a Comedy and 4 Signs 'Mad Max 4' Is Probably the Craziest Movie Ever Made.