5 Grimm Fairy Tales You Should Only Read to Kids You Hate

5

"Bluebeard"

All of Bluebeard's previous wives have died under sparsely detailed circumstances shrouded in mystery, although he has never been asked to produce either a body or an explanation, because police work at that time typically required crimes to be committed within a constable's field of vision. Somehow, Bluebeard convinces another woman to marry him and takes her back to his castle before immediately announcing that he has to go away for a while, presumably holding a shopping list reading "lotion, catgut, lipstick, 'Goodbye Horses.'"

Bluebeard, the first and least creepy pickup artist.

As he leaves, Bluebeard stresses that she can go anywhere in the castle except the cellar. He then gives her the key to the cellar.

Of course she opens it, and inside she finds all of Bluebeard's missing wives hanging on hooks from the ceiling. Bluebeard returns instantly (he was probably waiting outside with his ear pressed to the door), declaring his intention to stabmurder her, but she is rescued at the last moment by her two brothers, who stabmurder Bluebeard instead.

Then they all move into his house. Because murder wasn't enough of a middle finger.

4

"The Jew Among the Thorns"

A boy buys a magic fiddle that makes everyone who hears it powerless to resist dancing (this fiddle is now owned by Charlie Daniels). The boy wastes no time finding a Jewish man (named "the Jew") and uses the fiddle to force him to dance in a thorn bush, because this story was written in Germany. He orders the Jew to hand over his money and then skips away.

Project Gutenburg
It was a different time.

The Jew goes to the police, and the boy is sentenced to hang. But while standing in the gallows, the boy plays his trusty magic fiddle, reducing the proceedings around him to the clock tower dedication ceremony from Back to the Future III. He refuses to stop playing until the Jew admits that he stole the gold, and the judge hangs the Jew instead, since he was the true thief. Hutton Gibson was usually able to put the book away at this point, because little Mel was fast asleep.

3

"The Robber Bridegroom"

A girl pays a surprise visit to her fiance by following a trail of ashes out to his creaky thatched-roof terror cabin in the middle of the Forest of Wailing (ah, young love). But he isn't home, and an old woman suddenly appears and tells her that her fiance is actually a murderous cannibal who feasts on young women, because evidently no one has explained to him that a sock full of ether is much less time consuming than a marriage license.

John B. Gruelle via SurLaLune Fairy Tales
Nothing says "trustworthy" like whatever the screaming hell is going on here.

The old woman hides the girl as her fiance returns with a different terrified girl, whom he butchers and eats. The first girl escapes and invites him to her father's house for dinner (because nothing tastes better than irony), where she has him arrested.

2

"The Juniper Tree"

A boy accepts an apple from his wicked stepmother, which in Fairy Tale World is roughly the same as climbing into a panel van labeled "free candy." As he reaches into a chest to get it (because sane human beings keep all of their fruit in chests), she slams the lid shut, cutting his head off.

Maurice Sendak via PBS.org

The stepmother then cooks his body and feeds it to his father. However, the boy gets reincarnated as a bird and brains her with an airdropped millstone.

This story is called "The Juniper Tree."

1

"The Poor Boy in the Grave"

An orphan is sent to a rich couple who beat and starve him (and no, an owl from Hogwarts never arrives). He decides to kill himself, but confuses wine and honey for poison, because his cruel foster parents never sent him to school. Drunk and full, he lies down in a grave, wallowing in misery.

And then he dies. The end. Shut up and go to sleep.

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We're starting to understand why the Germans are such a joyous, lighthearted people.