5 Grimm Fairy Tales You Should Only Read to Kids You Hate

5

"Bluebeard"

All of Bluebeard's previous wives have died under sparsely detailed circumstances shrouded in mystery, although he has never been asked to produce either a body or an explanation, because police work at that time typically required crimes to be committed within a constable's field of vision. Somehow, Bluebeard convinces another woman to marry him and takes her back to his castle before immediately announcing that he has to go away for a while, presumably holding a shopping list reading "lotion, catgut, lipstick, 'Goodbye Horses.'"

Bluebeard, the first and least creepy pickup artist.

4

"The Jew Among the Thorns"

A boy buys a magic fiddle that makes everyone who hears it powerless to resist dancing (this fiddle is now owned by Charlie Daniels). The boy wastes no time finding a Jewish man (named "the Jew") and uses the fiddle to force him to dance in a thorn bush, because this story was written in Germany. He orders the Jew to hand over his money and then skips away.

Project Gutenburg
It was a different time.

3

"The Robber Bridegroom"

A girl pays a surprise visit to her fiance by following a trail of ashes out to his creaky thatched-roof terror cabin in the middle of the Forest of Wailing (ah, young love). But he isn't home, and an old woman suddenly appears and tells her that her fiance is actually a murderous cannibal who feasts on young women, because evidently no one has explained to him that a sock full of ether is much less time consuming than a marriage license.

John B. Gruelle via SurLaLune Fairy Tales
Nothing says "trustworthy" like whatever the screaming hell is going on here.

2

"The Juniper Tree"

A boy accepts an apple from his wicked stepmother, which in Fairy Tale World is roughly the same as climbing into a panel van labeled "free candy." As he reaches into a chest to get it (because sane human beings keep all of their fruit in chests), she slams the lid shut, cutting his head off.

Maurice Sendak via PBS.org

1

"The Poor Boy in the Grave"

An orphan is sent to a rich couple who beat and starve him (and no, an owl from Hogwarts never arrives). He decides to kill himself, but confuses wine and honey for poison, because his cruel foster parents never sent him to school. Drunk and full, he lies down in a grave, wallowing in misery.

And then he dies. The end. Shut up and go to sleep.

Getty
We're starting to understand why the Germans are such a joyous, lighthearted people.