5 Crazy Ways Awful People Are Trying to Improve Their Image

5

Murderous Gangster on Trial Unleashes the Animal Cuddling Defense

James "Whitey" Bulger is an infamous mob boss indicted on charges of extortion, drug dealing, murder, and crimes so horrific that Johnny Depp almost starred in his biopic. Knowing that his claims of innocence would make his own mother laugh her ass off, Bulger's legal team switched to a more aggressive strategy: pictures of him cuddling with dogs, goats, and birds.

U.S. District Court- AP Photo

Reuters
Out of frame: his pet crocodile, Dillinger.

4

The KKK Is Putting Out Fliers for "Neighborhood Watch"

Every few years, the Ku Klux Klan crawls out from its racist hole to remind the world that it somehow still exists. And this time, they're giving back to the community, in the form of a well-intentioned and totally not terrifying neighborhood watch. People in Springfield, Missouri, woke up one morning to find fliers on their lawns that assured people that they "can sleep tonight knowing the Klan is awake!"

KY3
"We're like The A-Team! But, y'know, without the black guy."

3

Syria's Mass-Murdering Dictator Is Totally Killing It on Social Media

Syria's president, Bashar Assad, is the kind of guy whose idea of ruling a country begins and ends at using nerve gas against his own people. He's at the center of a bloody civil war with a death toll of over 100,000, and that sort of thing is just murder on your public image. So what better way to win the hearts of the world than to make like your 13-year-old niece and post bad photography online?

syrianpresidency
We'll spare you the selfies.

2

BP Is Trying to Make Itself the Victim

Let's get one thing out of the way: If you're not one of the people whose livelihood was destroyed by 4.9 million barrels of black death during the Deepwater Horizon oil spill and you're still trying to get some money out of BP, you're an asshole. Almost as big of an asshole as BP itself for putting out this ad:

BP
"BP: Our logo sure is green. Like the environment. Makes you think."

1

Al-Qaida Is Holding Ice Cream Eating Contests

As if things weren't fucked up enough in Syria, al-Qaida has also set up shop there, fighting in the civil war with the hopes of establishing a new, more oppressive regime. Naturally, the Syrian people aren't big fans of them either -- you know, on account of their tendency to blow up civilians. Well, apparently the terrorists saw President Assad's social media efforts and decided to prove they could be even more fun than he is by holding a family fair in Syria's largest city, Aleppo.

Al Qaeda via Washington Post
Canada Dry: The official soda of family fun and jihad.

The terrorist-organized fair included typical events like a tug-of-war competition between rebel groups, an ice cream eating contest for boys, and the always lively Quran readings for girls. Oh, and jihadist propaganda and such. Sadly, the YouTube videos documenting these activities have since been deleted, probably because you could hear Kelly Clarkson songs in the background.