The X-Files ruined an entire generation: they made us think conspiracy theorists are sexy, tormented truth crusaders, as opposed to bored message board dwellers with cartoon pony avatars. Fortunately, every once in a while they'll come up with a theory so perfectly stupid that we just have to drop whatever we're doing and tell you about it. Here are five recent paranoid fantasies that would make Fox Mulder laugh his ass off while slowly backing away from whoever spouted them.
5"Apple Pay Is the Mark of the Beast!"
Over the last decade, Apple has acquired a legion of new followers, a success that many place on their clever marketing, innovative products, and not being Microsoft. Others argue that it's only because Lucifer has bewitched our minds and rendered us unable to buy anything not available on iTunes. The evidence of this satanic pact? The fact that the Apple Watch and Apple Pay were totally predicted by the Bible.
And then Christ did say, "Not another freaking iOS update, I just did one last week." (Giuseppe 17:6)