5 Conspiracy Theories So Stupid They're Genius

You may have thought Apple Pay's ability to let you pay for your cappuccinos without cash was a simple convenience, but nope -- the fact that you have to scan your fingerprint to use it was predicted by the Bible verse about the mark of the beast -- a demonic sign that goes on your right hand (the same place where you'd wear a watch) or your forehead (the same place where you'd wear a watch if you got confused). According to the Book of Revelation, anyone who doesn't have this mark won't be able to buy or sell ... or continue being alive, but people seem more freaked out about the "no service" part. Also, the Apple Watch will apparently send your body data to the Illuminati, because there's nothing more fascinating to the secret rulers of the world than how often you go to the bathroom.

Godlike Productions
"He's peeing sitting down! Storm the building!"

Happily, we can confirm that the souls of iOS account holders everywhere are safe; this conspiracy has a habit of surfacing once every several years, with the arrival of the Antichrist so far being heralded by barcodes, microchips, WiFi, and -- of course -- Obamacare. At this rate, they'll probably have to resort to suggesting that, we don't know, Danny DeVito is the Antichrist, just to have new material to work with.

And if you're somehow still not convinced after all that: at one point, we see DeVito and one of the One Direction kids with a monkey, who specifically represents Darwinism, Satan, and possibly even Ebola, all at the same time.

William "Third Eagle of the Apocalypse and the Co-Prophet of These End Times" Tapley

Man, this is the most offensive episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ever.

If you have the time, we heartily recommend checking out this more in-depth list; however, if you can't bear to waste any more minutes of your life on this lunatic conspiracy, just remember that a) the Illuminati apparently signpost their crimes like an all-seeing, all-powerful version of The Riddler, and b) Justin Bieber never had to deal with any of this bullshit.

According to these asteroidiots (a nickname we just made up right now, believe it or not), their analysis of the comet's surface using Microsoft Paint yielded the discovery of a massive radio dish. Or a UFO. Or, like, a really weirdly shaped alien base. Whatever it is, it must have been capable of sending out the radio waves that NASA and the European Space Agency supposedly detected 20 years ago, which was the real reason behind this billion-dollar road trip. We know this thanks to an "anonymous ESA employee" who sent an email to various conspiracy theory sites explaining as much, also attaching these extremely revealing pre-Men-in-Black-censorship photos of the comet:

Secure Team
Hold up, is that the Dharma Initiative logo there?

To be fair, we totally understand why NASA and ESA would avoid telling us about their mission to explore Spacehenge -- if we were in charge, we'd keep it quiet too, lest the Internet start making up ridiculous bullshit and eliciting a retaliatory laser strike from the aliens.

According to DBL, over 21,000 cases of Ebola have been traced back to a shipment of iPhone 6 units made in Sierra Leone, a number that still isn't as depressing as the near-700,000 people who have shared this stupid bullshit. The article even provides tips for consumers on disinfecting their painful-death-causing phones -- because, you know, it's not like they want to create mass panic or anything. They also claim that "many of the iPhone's [sic] have been contaminated with bodily fluids of infected individuals who assembled the phones," which raises another scary prospect: are Sierra Leonean workers assembling our phones with their dicks?

Perhaps the most astonishing part, though, is that of the hundreds of thousands of people who shared this article, no one recognized that this whole story was ripped from an episode of The Simpsons.

Lester Mason
Thank you for being the voice of reason, "It was ISIS" guy.

Frankly, it seems ridiculous to debunk DickBait Live's article, because we can just point to the disclaimer declaring their website a truth-free zone. But just to be on the safe side, we'd still advise our readers to avoid using phones covered in someone else's bodily fluids.

In a video currently sitting at damn near 8 million views, this concerned lady points out that if you hunt down a can of Monster Energy Drink and a Hebrew dictionary, you can clearly observe how the claw marks kinda-sorta resemble the old Jewish symbol for the number 6. There are three of those marks on the front of each can, so this means that people everywhere are staying up all night by drinking what might very well be Lucifer's piss. Another implication of this theory is that Satan went through the trouble of disguising the 666 on his product to fool Christians, but when it came time to pick a name, he just said, "Fuck it, go with Monster."

Skeptic Society
"You're Going to Hell for Drinking This Energy Drink" was already trademarked by Red Bull.

As further proof of the demonic conspiracy to enslave the population into Danny DeVitoism, she also points out that the company's slogan "Unleash the Beast" could only be a reference to the Book of Revelation, before asking any remaining viewers if they know what a MILF is. Out of fear that we'd stumbled onto the most confusing porn film ever, we closed the browser; however, if anyone knows how this video ends, feel free to not tell us in the comments section.

For more from Adam, check out 5 Reasons Conspiracy Theories Are Destroying the World and 5 Conspiracy Theories That Are So Dumb They're Brilliant. He'd also like to thank the members of /r/conspiratard for their help and dedication to vanquishing the forces of stupidity.