There used to be a time when celebrities had a human wall of assistants, publicists, and literal wall-fillers who had no other job than to buffer their clients from the world. But then Twitter happened, and now no publicist in the universe can stop a drunk, bored, attention-starved human from exorcising their dumbest thought-demons at the click of a button. Which is why we're seeing some great comedy coming from non-comedians on Twitter.

5
Football Player Can't Stop Being a Creep

Arizona Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett is not afraid to speak his mind on social media, such as the time he posted a racist tweet and then promised he wouldn't apologize for it.

twitter.com/ddockett

twitter.com/ddockett
"Man's got to have principles ... shitty ones, but still ..."

Reasoning that the only things that seem to get NFL players in trouble these days are doing drugs and beating their wives (in that order), Dockett even went so far as to re-whatever-the-Instagram-equivalent-of-retweeting-is a picture of Malia Obama's butt, adding a grammar correction and the thoughtful comment "Lmfaooo."

This naturally caused a kerfuffle, because Malia is only 16, but since Dockett did have the good sense to not be a congressional staffer when he made his idiotic comments, there wasn't much to be done.

[inject-module]

Even stranger, though, are the several hours that Dockett spent "live-tweeting" jury duty, even going so far as to post a picture of the proceedings. The only problem is that somebody decided to see how deep the rabbit hole of Dockett's mind is and discovered that Dockett was not scheduled for jury duty in the Arizona county where he lives. A reverse Google Image search of the photo he posted showed it came from an article about a trial in Washington state. Why fake jury duty? Because Dockett doesn't live by society's rules. The tweets themselves are worth a read, running the gamut of human experiences, from hungry:

twitter.com/ddockett
"Justice is supposed to be blind, not hungry, dicks."

To incriminating:

twitter.com/ddockett
"I also just littered while watching a bootleg DVD, and an illegal cockfighting tournament is going on in the backseat."

To existential:

twitter.com/ddockett
Somewhere, Henry Fonda sheds a single tear.

4
Former Red Sox Pitcher Goes Nuts Over Evolution

Despite our repeated reminders to celebrities that they are not renaissance men and women, they continue to wax philosophical on topics about which they clearly know nothing. Enter former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who decided to let everyone know that he's not descended from some damn, dirty ape (spoiler, he is):

twitter.com/gehrig38

twitter.com/gehrig38

twitter.com/gehrig38

twitter.com/gehrig38
"If I came from my parents, then why do brothers and sisters still exist?!"

ESPN baseball writer Keith Law stepped in and offered, in a rather respectful manner, to help dispel some of Schilling's misconceptions, such as Schilling's belief that there are no transitional fossils:

twitter.com/keithlaw

twitter.com/keithlaw
If Wikipedia isn't good enough for you either, here are 62,000 other links.

Despite his saint-like patience in the face of such crushing stupidity, Law was put into Twitter time-out, though ESPN claims it has nothing to do with Law's views. Law apparently feels differently, though, as he made clear when he was allowed back on Twitter:

twitter.com/keithlaw


Meanwhile ...

twitter.com/gehrig38


3
Rupert Murdoch Has Many White Egyptian Friends

Rupert Murdoch seems like he could be the lovable, curmudgeonly, casually racist neighbor from your childhood, if your neighbor was an alarmingly powerful billionaire. Murdoch took some time out from his busy schedule of illegally hacking people's phones and wondering when someone is going to make a Citizen Kane of him to share his thoughts about the whitewashed cast of the upcoming biblical movie Exodus:

twitter.com/rupertmurdoch
"And I know countless ones of them."

Demonstrating at long last that becoming a billionaire does not require you to be any smarter than a bowl of rocks, Murdoch then backpedaled by pointing out the Egyptians were totally racist too! Not that he's racist, mind you:

twitter.com/rupertmurdoch

twitter.com/rupertmurdoch
"So when you really think about it, it's you that should be apologizing to me."

Whew. For a second, we thought Murdoch was a racially insensitive prick; good thing he cleared that up for us.

2
Juliette Lewis Wants to Get to the Bottom of an Accidental Death

In October 2014, Native American actress Misty Upham was found dead after slipping and falling over the edge of a cliff. While there is some controversy over aspects of the response to her disappearance, everyone, including her family, agrees that the tragic death was an accident. Nonetheless, natural born killer Juliette Lewis has taken up the cause and is demanding further investigation into a matter that, again, absolutely nobody else disputes.

twitter.com/JulietteLewis

twitter.com/JulietteLewis

twitter.com/JulietteLewis
"Or facts, either."

It seems that Upham's advocacy for Native American issues and previous run-ins with the law were motivation enough for the authorities to straight-up assassinate her, at least according to Lewis. But, really, she is just asking questions ("JAQing") and isn't jumping to any conclusions; she just wants a more thorough investigation. Where have we heard that before?

1
Jose Canseco Has Interstellar Travel Figured Out

While astronomers and physicists dedicate their lives to advancing space exploration by doing things like getting PhDs and spending billions of dollars on research, Jose Canseco doesn't need degrees or studies to have that shit locked down:

twitter.com/JoseCanseco

twitter.com/JoseCanseco
If hitching rides on comets is good enough for Galactus, it's good enough for you.

Though he does admittedly seem a bit fuzzy on the details:

twitter.com/JoseCanseco
"If we could just science their astronomy, we could totally physics their power."

Faster than anything we can build, except for the spaceship that we built to catch up to and land on a comet, right? Like, the exact thing that was the impetus for this little foray into craziness and physics?

twitter.com/JoseCanseco

twitter.com/JoseCanseco
"Don't forget the astro fucking. I saw those space babes in that documentary."

It's good to know that even before we've landed on another planet, Canseco already has his eye on fulfilling our galactic manifest destiny. Using comets for travel is, of course, a terrible idea for several reasons, which is why we decided to build our own rockets rather than wait 70 years between buses.

On an unrelated matter, Canseco accidentally shot his finger off while cleaning his gun, had it surgically reattached, and then tweeted that it fell off during a poker tournament and that he would be auctioning the severed digit. He later said it didn't fall off, but he got the idea when he saw a severed finger in a Halloween store. Not much else to say about that one.


When he's not JAQing it, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

For more missives from the bonkers and famous, check out 3 Celebrities Who Are Slowly Losing Their Minds on Twitter and The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Celebrity Instagrams.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

673 Comments

Load Comments