Believe it or not, there was once a time when the media's prime directive was a search for truth, as opposed to devoting all manpower to coming up with the most click-worthy headlines possible, whether they happen to be true or not. As we've pointed out with our everlasting series about these various journalistic sack taps, the "not" camp seems to be winning right now.
And if you thought for even a second that the stories about giant sperm and Beyonce college courses were as ridiculous as the Woodward/Bernsteins of today could get, think again. This time, we've got plenty of word combinations we never thought we'd see in our lifetime, like ...
5 No, a Woman Didn't Confess to Having Sex With a Dolphin
"Dolphin fucker" is the kind of moniker that sticks with a person for most of their life, even if it was just one time during a boozy trip to SeaWorld ... not, uh, that we'd know anything about that. Moving on, this is exactly why sites like Jezebel, Cosmopolitan, the Daily News, the Telegraph, and Gawker no doubt took extra special care before unleashing this insanity of a headline:
"So long, and thanks for all the fish taco."
Pretty hot stuff. The source passed around is a BBC documentary about a dolphin trainer having an "extra special" relationship with one of the more dick-attentive aquatic mammals. Shockingly, and despite what every site covering it says, the documentary never implies that she had any kind of sex with this thing. Rather, she begrudgingly allowed the horny critter to have his way with her extremities. If this was newsworthy, every dog owner ever would be an Internet celebrity.
Seriously, we're sorry to disappoint the many dolphin erotica enthusiasts whose imaginations were sparked by this story, but the sexiest sentence in the original video is "He would rub himself on my knee, my foot, or my hand, and I allowed that" -- which, for Gawker, is the same as the lady giving out "dolphin hand jobs," so they went ahead and inserted that phrase into her quotes:
"His peter, more specifically."