5 Apps That Were Clearly Designed By Total Creeps

5

Social Media Apps That Replicate Your (Annoying) Friends After They Die

We all have that super annoying friend who has to Instagram every single meal they eat, as well as tweet all the random thoughts that go through their head in real time. Did you ever wonder what that friend might theoretically be eating six months after they died? No? Tough shit, because there's a new breed of programs that will allow any sufficiently self-obsessed acquaintance or relative of yours to continue clogging your feed -- and even have conversations with you -- from beyond the grave.

Eterni.me
"Remember when you slept with my wife after I died, Mike? I saw you. I saw you, Mike."

4

An App That Scans the License Plates of Cars to Text the Driver

If you live in China, congratulations. General Motors has developed an app that allows random strangers to text you just by entering your license plate into the car's "infotainment" center. We're not sure which is more concerning: the fact that this is a social network made specifically for people to use while driving, or that our spellcheck accepts "infotainment" as a word.

So what possible uses could someone give to this app? Well, if you're a huge fucking creep, you can use it to harass the stranger in front of you and ask her or him out on a date. We're not kidding. That's actually what the demonstration video shows -- and of course she accepts:

General Motors
"Great! Do you mind if I stop at the hardware store for a shovel and some rope?"

3

Facebook Is Already Using Your Phone to Listen to You

Mark Zuckerberg is supposed to have bragged shortly after he started Facebook that people were "dumb fucks" who just handed him information about themselves. OK, you got us there, Mark, you rascal. We are idiots for doing that. But now Facebook is so used to us giving them access to our lives that they're starting to take more and more of it any way they can. Despite how much we complained the last 10 times the privacy policy changed, we're still too busy playing Bubble Witch to read the fine print. And now Facebook is literally bugging us using our own phones.

2

There Are Now Social Networks for Small Children

Actively encouraging those under 13 to join social networks is a line even Facebook wouldn't cross, since protecting children online is very difficult. Well, good news, pedophiles and unscrupulous advertisers: That hasn't stopped a variety of other companies from trying to lure preteens in what one entrepreneur called the "biggest opportunity out there at the moment."

IgorIgorevich/iStock/Getty Images
We can only assume this is what he looked like while saying that.

Social networks for children are popping up everywhere, usually attached to a product, like Disney's Club Penguin or PopJam, a junior version of Instagram backed by the popular toy line Moshi Monsters. Now, instead of hanging their pictures on the refrigerator, children can post them online. Instead of limiting bullying to the halls of middle schools, it can move online as well. But don't worry: Kids aren't allowed to post real pictures of themselves ... unless "features are obscured with virtual stickers, such as sunglasses," because then they are completely unrecognizable.

PopJam
"The beard is fake. The eyes are a medical condition."

1

SocialRadar Lets You Know Just How Many Feet You Are From a Person (You're Stalking)

Have you ever walked into a room and thought, "I wish everyone in here could know everything about me without me having to say a word"? If so, learn how to participate in small talk, introvert. Or, get this unbelievably creepy new app.

jakubzak/iStock/Getty Images
"This is the greatest party I've ever been to."

The goal behind SocialRadar (stalking) is to better facilitate networking (and stalking), as well as remind you of significant events in people's lives when you meet them (also, so much stalking). The concept of the app is to alert you to the things you have in common with strangers within a certain area, as well as the information of people you already know. No more forgetting names or birthdays or where your ex-girlfriend moved after she filed that restraining order!

SocialRadar
Browse your date's Stormfront posts as you wait for the entrees!

Note that the picture above specifically points out that users can be anonymous while still using the program, which means your Reddit nemesis could sneak up on you at a restaurant and try to rekindle that Goku vs. Superman debate while you attempt to explain to your in-laws that you don't know this man. On the upside, once everyone's profiles are hovering in the air next to their real faces, it's gonna be a lot harder to Catfish people, so we'd start picking a less misleading profile photo right now, everyone.

Kathy wrote a very funny book, and you can buy it here and here.