4 Ways Dennis Rodman Proved Reality Is a 1990s Sports Movie

The Bad News Bears (which was 1976, but whatever) gave us Walter Matthau playing a soused pool cleaner who once made it to the minor leagues. And finally, there's Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, a drunken ex-Cubs player turned G.O.A.T. cinematic urinator.

Columbia
It's meant to be symbolic of the Cubs as a whole.

Sadly, Rodman fits this template -- just last year, he was reported as broke, battling alcohol addiction, and owing almost $800,000 in outstanding child support. But like the movies, fate stepped in in an unsuspected way ...

The underdog protagonist is often guided toward his destiny by some sort of benefactor or authority figure. In The Mighty Ducks, court-mandated community service forces Emilio to coach hockey. In The Bad News Bears, Matthau's recruited by a city councilman, and in A League of Their Own, it's the owner of the Chicago Cubs.

Never will the hero willingly improve his lot -- there has to be a catalyst in the mix who offers either freedom or money. In Rodman's case, hipster magazine-turned-Rupert Murdoch's golden goose Vice unexpectedly tapped him to visit the hermit kingdom a few months back.

KNCA
"Eh, it's not so bad here; I played for Detroit."

Even though he was Vice's second choice after Michael Jordan declined -- presumably because of North Korea's secret alliance with the aliens from Space Jam -- the whole situation ended up being way crazier than anything a coked-up Tinseltown screenwriter could babble forth.

Columbia
Ah yes, Jean-Claude Van Damme vs. Dennis Rodman vs. Mickey Rourke vs. A Tiger: The Movie.

And perhaps it was the sight of his home team being shamed to the tune of "Sweet Georgia Brown," but in any case, last week Rodman announced he'd help the North Korea basketball team train for the 2016 Summer Olympics. (For maybe a week, but who can really say?)

Just don't ask him to help negotiate the release of American missionary Kenneth Bae, who's currently stewing in North Korean labor camps. (Quoth the Worm, "Ask Obama about that. Ask Hillary Clinton. Ask those assholes.")

That's Mike Krzyzewski, the Duke University basketball coach who's also taking the helm of the men's Olympic team for 2016. In addition to winning the U.S. Olympic gold medals in 2008 and 2012, Coach K also enjoys scowling and swearing a lot.

He's the perfect foil for Rodman, as he's arrogant and acclaimed. So, according to Hollywood sports movie mythology, Krzyzewski's totally fucked.

Sure, the North Korea men's basketball team has never ever appeared in the Summer Olympics before, and if they did qualify and lose, they might be sent to a labor camp. But given how weird this story's been so far, the only way this tale could sensibly end is by Dennis Rodman summoning a heavenly host of archangels and seraphim to rig the shit out of all the games.

Walt Disney
Featuring the ghost of Christopher Lloyd's character and his career.