4 Video Games For Those With Really Specific Sexual Fetishes

Assuming your headset hasn't filed a restraining order against you after that, you can move on to the drink-sharing simulator for Oculus Rift, which is exactly what it sounds like -- you can sit down with a polygonal Japanese teenager and share a drink with her in real time.

Negipoyoshi
The soul-crushing loneliness unfolds in real time as well.

If things go well, you can take your anime girlfriend to the park and rest your head on her lap -- a program, we hasten to add, that comes with its own lap-shaped pillow for that extra bit of immersion.

Up Frontier
"Don't worry, the circuits are tear-proof."

"Haha, what's next?" you ask, "A program that simulates awkward above-clothes groping?" Yes.

Ryuto
Noooo.

Eventually you two begin kissing, with the proper kissing peripherals in place to robotically smash against your lips and keep reality from brutally intruding on your virtual experience.

alsione svx
Sparks may literally fly.

Finally, the two of you end up sleeping togetherin your bed, with an app so advanced that it can detect when you're restless and coo you back to sleep with sweet nothings.

Negipoyoshi
Do not use this if your dog regularly gets on your bed.

You know, to be honest, the whole thing actually seems kind of pathetically sweet and harmless -- oh wait, never mind.

tekken8810
You knew where this was going.

Be advised, however, that if you attempt to grab a real breast while connected to this machine, the resulting paradox will most likely unmake the universe.

Gifu University
Luckily, there's no chance of that ever happening to anyone in this lab.

In fairness, the stated purpose of this machine is to teach students how to check breasts for dangerous lumps, which is admirable. But come on -- once the technology is out there, there's nothing stopping an enterprising game developer from working it into an erotic role-playing adventure about werewolf-hunting cheerleaders who need your help solving the Riddle of the Heaving Mini Sweater before the next full moon.

In the project, called "The Machine to be Another," the researchers strapped cameras to the front of two Oculus Rift visors, because those neck-shredding head weights clearly weren't heavy enough already. Then, the two visors were placed on a man and a woman, with each camera transmitting a live video feed to the opposite Oculus Rift device. As the two users moved in congruence with each other, they got to see what it would be like to inhabit the body of a member of the opposite sex. Additionally, for this specific experiment, both participants were required to watch the other person strip down to their underpants to maximize the experience.

BeAnotherLab
"Wow, this guy's balls are weird-looking ... wait, that's me."

On one hand, there are legitimate uses for this technology, such as performing studies about gender identity or helping patients in need of cognitive rehabilitation. On the other hand, people in the very near future are going to be having virtual reality body-swapping sex, and it is going to be fucking crazy.

Thankfully, the "mixed reality" project at University College London allows users to combine the best of both worlds by tossing your virtual reality playmate into the real world, like a sexy poltergeist.

New Scientist
However, no amount of science or technology can make her eyes look any less dead.

The avatar of your virtual lady can even interact with you, holding your hand while presumably telling you that you look like a tragic idiot with that huge nerd helmet hanging off your face, and that, quite frankly, she's embarrassed to be seen with you. Much like the body-swapping experiment, mixed reality works by mounting a camera on the front of an Oculus Rift headset, although the creators are hoping to eventually replace that with a smaller, Google-Glass-type setup, so people will think you're merely a douche instead of a full-blown maniac.

"But Cracked," you say, "These goggles are useless! I can still tell she's not a real person!" Well the researchers thought of that, too: by placing a filter over the visor, you can effectively distort the real world images enough that they become indistinguishable from the virtual images beside you. Not in a way that makes your virtual friend look more real, mind you - it just makes everything look like a sad, desperate illusion.

New Scientist
It also makes your voice sound like Keanu Reeves eating peyote waffles.

Another application allows you to conjure a floating browser window and surf the Internet, like the least-impressive warlock in the history of the world.

New Scientist
We ceased to be wowed by the Internet long ago.

So get ready for a not-too-distant future in which a bunch of lonely men with visors can be seen walking happily down the street holding hands with phantoms, and spending romantic candlelit evenings violently thrusting their pelvises into the air around them.

The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

For more virtual reality nonsense, check out 4 Video Game Gimmicks Nobody Likes Anymore and 4 Ways Virtual Sex Will Be More Embarrassing Than Real Sex.