4 Signs Apple Has Completely Given Up on Being Cool

More than two-thirds of teens don't wear watches, and only 19 percent of Americans bought a watch in 2011. Right now, more than half of people who buy smartwatches wind up ditching them because the novelty wears off. Literally the only reason some folks think the young might adopt watches now is that Apple made one.

But old people? Old people love the shit out of wearing their technology.

FastCap
1) Stupidly
2) Embarrassingly

If you know any elderly people who've leapt into the future and bought themselves an iPhone, the odds are good you also know folks who keep their phones on a cord around their neck. Wearing your gadget makes it harder to lose or forget, and most old people are already still wearing watches out of habit. It's a match made in heaven! Or at least in the Paradise Valley Retirement Home.

See, your regular smartphone buzzes when you take a wrong turn using the navigation app, and if you're listening to your headphones at the time it'll just read you the new, re-routed directions. But what if you've got a hearing aid that won't work with any Bluetooth headsets? Well then, you need the Apple Watch.

One of the features Apple bragged about most was their watch's ability to hassle you about your health. It monitors your heart rate and the number of steps you travel per day so it can warn you when your sedentary lifestyle threatens to turn you into one gigantic hardened artery. By turning walking from a chore to a colored bar that moves throughout the day, Apple's finally found a way to make low-impact exercise fun.

Apple
It instantly loads '80s montage music to your iTunes.

Hey, does anyone else remember what happened the last time a formerly hip tech company did that exact thing?

Stephen Pond/The Telegraph
"I gotta get in shape for the retirement home's 'Anaconda' video parody."

And the Apple Watch can dial 911 when your heart stops from too much living. Convenient!

One day we'll all pay for everything electronically, either through our phones or subdermal microchips that make it easier for the Antichrist to control us. In the meantime, Apple's watch is like pinning a $5 bill to your ailing grandma's jacket before she totters out to Walgreens for some flavorless candy and a jar of that special colon-massaging yogurt.

Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Or colon-massacring burgers?

Bam! No words, no :D -- just an endless stream of disembodied visages cutting through the cataracts with total clarity. There's even an app to make the grandkids feel guilty that they haven't called today:

Apple
We can't wait for a hilariously poorly conceived "Tap That" ad campaign.

If you're still not convinced Apple is now the company of high-wader khakis and nostalgia for Barry Goldwater, check your iPhone's music. Apple surreptitiously just gave you a new U2 album most of the population never wanted. It's basically Apple's version of a birthday present you never asked for, only they got confused and snuck it in the drywall of your house.

Robert Evans is an editorial manager at Cracked, and runs the personal experience article team. He worked as a tech journalist for several years until he learned how to write.

For more lamentable innovations, check out 5 Wearable Tech Items Designed for Assholes and 4 Ways Virtual Sex Will Be More Embarrassing Than Real Sex.