4 Ridiculous Monsters Who Are Getting Their Own Horror Films

Unfortunately, Hollywood, on a streak of giving us movie versions of board games that absolutely no one wants to see, has teamed up with Hasbro to bring us Ouija, a movie about a bunch of teenagers getting murdered by their novelty fortune-telling device:

Somehow, none of these kids have any idea what a Ouija board is, despite the fact that they have permeated all levels of popular culture for the past several decades. Beyond that, this movie is quite possibly the strangest marketing tie-in of all time, because it is presenting us a world wherein your Ouija board may suddenly infest your house with violent poltergeists. Hasbro isn't exactly going to win a ton of new Ouija customers with this approach.

Paramount Pictures
Although, admittedly, it's a better approach than "our toys may sexually assault you."

It's a supernatural revenge tale wherein the ghost of a girl who was cyberbullied into committing suicide haunts a group of dumbass teenagers that the world will never miss, but instead of coming after them the old-fashioned way, she attacks them through their computers, sort of like that movie Ghost in the Machine that absolutely none of you have seen. It kills them one after another by forcing them to commit suicide live on Skype. Prepare to be dazzled as the characters pull up the Wikipedia page for demonic possession and get murdered in front of webcams set up in just such a way that the action is centrally framed and well-lit.

Bazelevs Production
Assholes can't figure out vertical video. You expect us to buy this camera work?

And, frankly, the mold can't be too evil if he's trying to convince Jack to get his priorities in order and move out of that should-be-condemned apartment. Motivational Growth may wind up being more uplifting than God's Not Dead.

Imagos Films
At least the festering shit-pile in this is meant to be there.

Instead of a seashell-bikini-clad teenager hanging out with a Jamaican crab and a senile seagull, Nymph's mermaid looks more like those horror-mouthed demon fish P.T. Barnum stitched together to sell sideshow tickets. So when this group of plucky teenagers creeps out to an old castle for some naked drug use, they discover that it is improbably patrolled by a bloodthirsty ocean witch.

Epic Pictures
"Don't worry; we included a sexy-naked mode. Because, come on, who the fuck are we kidding?"

We understand that mermaids weren't always cute and cuddly creatures singing songs about forks and bedazzling Lisa Frank folders, but that corner was clearly turned long ago. Trying to make mermaids creepy again is like trying to make a horror movie about a sentient tire that kills people.

Epic Pictures
A tire was also what was bartered for the effects.

For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and The Book of Word Records.

For more monstrous absurdities, check out 4 Ways the New Godzilla Movie Ripped Off the Crappy '98 Flop and 4 Times News Channels Totally Ran Out of Shit to Talk About (for that one time a New Mexico news station mistook a 31-year-old horror movie for breaking news).