4 Recent Tech Stories That Were Total B.S.

4

The United States Isn't Building Iron Man Armor, Sorry

What with their trillions in walking-around money, it was only a matter of time before some general popped in The Avengers and thought, "Fuck it -- let's get one of those."

theverge.com
"Suck it, Steve." -Tony Stark

The suit, according to the Verge, RT, and International Business Times, will feature such boner-inducing gizmos as night vision, super strength, nanotechnology, liquid armor, and probably even Gwyneth Paltrow. There's also a demo video of this suit "in the making." So, shit, they could probably coordinate the release with the new Avengers flick, right?

3

U.K. Police Didn't Find a Gang-Run 3D-Gun-Printing "Factory"

Can you imagine a future where criminals can make their own undetectable, easy-to-conceal guns at home using 3D printing technology? Well, according to recent headlines, that futuristic world exists, and it's called "England":

metro.co.uk
Quick, someone download the blueprints for Judge Dredd.

2

No, Tesla Cars Aren't Suddenly Bursting into Flames

Electric cars like the Tesla have pros and cons: On one hand, you save on fuel and help protect the environment. On the other, our Internets seem to be telling us that they could blow up on you any minute. From ABC News:

abcnews.go.com
Somewhere, Edison's ghost is sporting major wood.

The story of the burning Tesla (which caused the company's stock to plummet) was first reported by Jalopnik.com, which even threw the word "death" in there to make every electric car owner who saw the headline shit themselves.

jalopnik.com
Although if they saw it while driving, they had it coming.

1

Holy Crap, Half-Life 3 Is Conf- Nope, Never Mind

Half-Life 2 made a barrel of money, so naturally the next step for the game's creators at Valve was to sit on their hands for the next 10 years until their prime demographic was holding down jobs and getting married. And while the hardcore fans have postponed life in waiting, it appears that wait is finally over:

sidhtech.com, theregister.co.uk
"Thank God, I've been waiting years to nitpick this."

Nerds, rejoice! It appears the long tunnel has a light after all, as numerous sources have begun speculating and confirming that the game is coming ... because Valve filed a trademark. If you're thinking that a trademark is far from confirmation (Nintendo probably has one for Hotel Mario 17, just in case) and those websites should have waited before uncorking the champagne, you're correct -- because it was all a hoax anyway.

Valve
You'd have to be a real jerk to joke about something like that.

The other "evidence" that Half-Life 3 is happening were some leaked screenshots from an anonymous (read: bullshit) source. In other words, everyone go back to weeping over Garry's Mod, because it's gonna be another 10 years, at best.